129 days

Clancy1976 8 months ago

12 replies
31 subscribers
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129 days since my life changed - since I became alone - since I just started existing. 21st December 2023 Dave died and I wasn't there and I regret that so much. I know it wasn't my fault or the hospital's - his breathing started to change at midnight and he was gone by 12.15am - no time to warn me or for me to get there. Now 129 days on I still don't really believe it - maybe he's still at the allotment, maybe he's in hospital and I'll see him later tonight, maybe maybe maybe. But he's not.

I find myself unable to sleep and wake feeling physically sick, I'm moving on and sorting things out but still don't really believe this is how my life is now. I cry at the strangest times, watch stupid tv programmes, go to bed at 9pm but don't sleep till 1 or 2am. I'm a mess when on my own but appear to be coping and capable when with others. It's all an act - sometimes I believe my own act and tell myself that I am coping but then something happens and it's real again.

I said to a friend yesterday I think I need to go to bereavement counselling and she said what can they do that she can't as a friend but she doesn't realise that she's someone who I am putting that act on for - she knew Dave and wont hear anything bad about him and then gets upset for me when I do try to talk - I think I need to hear from a stranger that what I am experiencing is normal, that it will change but not pass, that I will adjust to a life without him and someone who didn't know him to just listen to me.

DelBoy55 8 months ago in reply to Lou Lou 41

Lou Lou 41, I am 2.5 years into this "journey" that none of us wanted to be on. In the first year or so most of the people I know would ask how I am doing, and I would be honest and tell them like it is. Now they just chat to me like they did before Lin died and rarely ask how I am doing. Having not experienced loss like we have, they just don't comprehend that we are still aching inside for our lost loved ones. Aching to feel their touch, hear their voice, have a conversation, watch TV together, laugh together. I would say that I have now accepted that I will never see her again but it is still painful at times, and I still have low days. I too had counselling and found it a great help, so I would recommend it to anyone. I go to a couple of local bereavement cafes which I find really good, where I can chat about how I feel and get reassurance that my feelings are quite normal.

Look after yourself.

Best wishes,

Derek

dipsy21 8 months ago in reply to DelBoy55

Everything that everyone has put here sounds like me. My lost my darling husband, who i was married to for 43 1/2 years, 10 months ago although it still only feels like 10 weeks ago. I am dreading the anniversary of his passing. I feel so empty without him, there is none of me left as when he died i died inside. I still think he may come back at any moment, even though he has been gone for this long, i think i might wake up from this hell i am now existing in. I had counselling sessions with the hospice, and now have it privately and i do think it helps, even though i seem to spend a lot of the time crying. Take care all.

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