The Long Road of Grief...

Big hug   Ramona xx

Pooka 

I have just read your comment and all the replies. How well you all describe how I too feel. My husband and I had our forty fourth wedding anniversary while he was in the hospice with untreatable pancreatic cancer . He wanted to come home and I was able to care for him until he passed a few weeks later. I too have cancer and am presently recovering from a second major surgery. 
I understand the feelings expressed here of the pointlessness , I have said to myself “what is the point? “. It is somehow good for me to hear that others feel the same way and are having similar experiences coping with emotions, distress, hopelessness and other well meaning people who do not understand. 
It has been one year now since my husband passed and yes it changes us for ever .  Taking one day at a time sometimes hour by hour. Thank you everyone for sharing so helpful x

Hello Burger!

Yes it is good to come on here and be able to relate to what others are going through. I am just about 6 weeks away from my husband's first anniversary of losing him to bowel cancer and like you I sometimes sit and wonder `is this it`? `is this all I have to look forward to` no matter how busy or occupied you try to keep that `empty feeling` will just not leave you and yes you do get the well meaning people saying `you should try doing this or that` but they don't get that sometimes just trying to do things on your own after having someone at your side for 40 years can be quite overwhelming. By my own admission I used to say these things too about people who had lost someone `they should maybe do this or that` but you don't get it until you actually experience it yourself I think. My husband too wanted to come home to `pass` here but unfortunately at the end he was just too weak to be moved so passed in the hospital. I have managed to do things on my own though and surprised myself that I could actually do them. Things that my husband used to take care of. My Best Wishes to you going forward on this horrible journey. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Thank you Vicky. Yes it’s hard. The first anniversary which for me was last week has affected me a lot and in some ways put me back to the beginning of bereavement. I suspect and hope it will be temporary and I’m hoping I can get back to the recovery stage I was at . Like you I am managing to do most things. It’s just the anniversary I think that has shaken me up more than usual. I also find it difficult to care for myself after years of caring for others.
It was nice to see your reply. 

My wife of 55 years died a week after our anniversary.  Libby had been sick for about 3 months - that she admitted to.  Two months into care she told me she wanted to die.  We tried to discuss the ups and downs.  She was adament, death is what she wanted.  I informed all concerned Libby was to receive no medical services save for pain medicine.  We contacted support organizations; all were very good and looked forward to being helpful.  Libby stopped eating, save for ice-cream and was dead five days later.  She was in no pain and her face finally looked at peace.  Of course, I miss her terribly but she did what she felt was necessary.  I have to support her decision.  I am living in our home, alone.  All have been contacted and told not to visit or even call me for one year.  I might be accepting contacts then.  I am not lonely.  I am without my love, which is very sad, I am not lonely at all.  I have been enjoying packing Lib's stuff for charity - for which none of the family had any interest.  In Libby’s will she left some gold jewelry to a few nieces.  When she was hospitalized, Libby reminded me of this, and told me how well she had hidden her gold jewelry.  "Oh," says I, "where did you put it?"  She got a wonderful twinkle to her eye and broke into a lovely grin and said, "I have no idea."  Isn't that terrific?  Always leave them laughing.  I have never found her hiding place or the jewelry.  I have hung her picture on the wall right in front of where I sit for my meals.  I talk with her constantly - Libby would say I chatted.  Out of nowhere (I know it's frommy all but empty heart), the weight of my loss becomes too much and I have long talks with Libby telling her I love her and reminiscing about our very full and exciting life.  I miss Libby more than I could have ever imagined.  But I take comfort in knowing she chose her actions. And, as important, I agreed with her.

Hi Mym,

I know what you mean, I am sick of saying "I'm okay" I'm not, but am trying to be. I daren't let my grief out for fear of loosing myself, small doses is the way I'm coping at the minute. It drives me mad when people say "I know how you feel", I feel like shouting No you don't, you thankfully have no clue. But I just smile and nod.

Take Care

I think its what most of us do just say `I'm ok` or `getting there` but am I really? and do they really understand? As I can't say enough now and I have realised it, I don't think well meaning people actually `get it` until they experience it themselves as I have found myself as I used to be one of those `how are you`? people. Take Care. 

xx

Hello again Scottish person ! 

Just reading all the posts and it is feels like so many of us are feeling the same way? This trying to say we are ok when we are clearly not. My sister, who lives in Ayr, does not get it at all. She has her husband luckily, but moans about him all the time !! She doesn't know what it is like to look after someone who has Cancer and the years I had of caring for Barry. Never mind. We wouldn't wish it on anyone. She told me to keep motivated ! Whatever that means. Another "friend " either tells me to cheer up or when I try to explain how I am truly feeling ie like sh......t she starts rambling on about herself. Fed up with it. Walk away from it, I say. Nearly at the two years mark since Barry died. Everything feels very acute. The smallest thing will trigger the tears. Going to several complementary practices and trying to work through a lot of issues. Finding me again.

Anyway, a new day, we'll see what happens.

Take care.

Hugs 

I can so relate to comments made above. Especially when people, having asked how you are then start talking about themselves or about someone they know who had this and that. Those conversations are not helpful at all in fact they do more damage in my opinion and make me want to pull away from everyone. Nice to find others here who are experiencing similar difficulties . 

Burger said:

Especially when people, having asked how you are then start talking about themselves or about someone they know who had this and that. Those conversations are not helpful at all

I definitely agree with that!

In addition, I have pretty low tolerance at the moment with people who insist on talking about their own minor problems, or their aches and pains. I don't say anything, but I mentally walk away from conversations like that.