The Long Road of Grief...

Hello Pooka

How well you express what I feel after my darling wife passed away a few months ago. It’s unbearable, isn’t it, yet we go through each day on autopilot. I also feel no point in carrying on but I do because I have 4 cats whom I love so much and a wonderful son and daughter in law. I am always tired and like you put on a brave face for others. I believe my wife and I will be reunited one day and I’m glad she has been spared the pain of a survivor from marriage. My heartfelt best wishes and thoughts. I think all we can do is bear the unbearable and get through hour by hour.

You have just written exactly how i am feeling. The mask gets removed once i am alone. I wonder every day what is the point in this existence. Like you i would give anything to have him back my side, even if was just for an hour, just to hold his hand, him giving me a hug and telling me he loved me which he used to do many times in one day.  I send virtual hugs to you.

Hi Pooka!

You've just written down what I am feeling. Ten months in from losing my husband and I just sit some days and say to myself `is this it`? Is this all I have to look forward to now?? Everyday the same the days all just merging into one. There's no Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday anymore just days. Well minded people try to `suggest` things you could do but sometimes they don't realise how overwhelming that can be for you to actually go out and try to do things on your own. Hands up! I used to say that myself about other people `you think they would do this or that` but you just don't realise it until you experience it yourself. No matter how `busy` you try to keep yourself the empty feeling just never leaves you and the dread of the future of being on your own after 40 years with same person feels tenfold. My son's future mother-in-law just passed last Friday and now he and his fiancee have both lost a parent within 10 months. Her mother too passed with cancer which was initially ruled out and she had been in and out of hospital over the last few months being treated for some kind of blockage in her stomach but turned out that it actually was cancer after further tests were done. This has just all triggered everything for me again. I now I have to try to be there for my son and his partner and I think it will be triggering for my son too so soon after losing his dad. Think all we can do is just to try to find our inner strength going through this journey. My best wishes to you. Take Care

Vicky x

Oh my God. My darling wife only passed away on 4th of April but I can already feel the beginning of the emotions that you all are describing I know it's "early days" for me ,I don't even have her funeral until 30th April and I really don't know how I am going to cope with that but I suppose I will get through it. We were 6 days short of our 48th anniversary and I just can't stand the thought of perhaps many years without her although it may not be so as I now have lung cancer. I had bowel cancer in 2022and managed to get through that but I feel so guilty that I beat it but could not help her I would of taken her place if I could and even though my cancer has been found early and I have good prospects of recovering I find myself wandering if I want to ( I don't mean any really bad thoughts) but reading all your posts tells me that. Human nature is resilliant and life will continue and I suppose I will learn to hide from others as you all seem to do. Dave 

Hi Dave

I am so sorry to hear about your recent loss of your wife, my condolences to you and your family.

Sadly, grief and loss of a loved one is what unites us on this forum and makes us part of a club we don't want to be in.  But, we are and all we can do is try to help and be there for each other as we all battle our way through the emotions of  bereavement. Be it one week, one month, one year or several years.

There are no magic words other than the advice of being kind to yourself and take things a day at a time. Initially of course there are matters that have to be dealt with as a priority.... But after that deal with things when you feel ready, socialise when you feel ready, don't let people tell you when you should or shouldn't be 'over it'

I am so sorry to hear about your own health problems and I wish you all the best as you face the challenges ahead. 

As you approach your wife's funeral try not to worry... You will get through it. In many ways I think we tend to go through it a bit on autopilot mode and the day passes easier than we anticipated. I found it harder the next day when everyone had gone home and I could take time to reflect on the day's events.

Take care of yourself

Mym 

Thankyou Pooka for your kind words it certainly is good to talk with people who actually do understand what j really am thinking a lot of time I nod and smile at people saying never mind it will get better in time, time heals etc but a lot of time at the moment I don't want to heal I just want to scream and cry

 But of course I still smile and nod in agreement happy to be left alone with my feelings. Dave 

Hi Dave,

I think maybe we all subconsciously develop a go-to saying in response to people's questions.  Mine was,

"I'm getting there..." 

I have no idea where or what 'there' was but it did the trick, they could go away convinced they had checked how I was so their conscience was clear.

And I'm sure most people didn't really want me to say how I truly felt.. the truth being more along the lines of  "Actually I feel shi*e, I want to scream and shout at the unfairness and  I don't want to stand here making small talk with people. 

 I guess most folk are well meaning but it is a time when most of us simply want to be alone to process our thoughts and to grieve uninterrupted.

If crying helps you, find your sanctuary and give your grief an outlet.

Does time heal?  In my experience I find the passing of time merely helps us learn to deal with grief. 

Cherish your memories...

Mym 

Thankyou Mym isn't it sad that as a society we still can't talk openly with each other about grief. But I guess even those of us going through it Compound it  trying to make others feel less guilty and a lot of the time just wanting people to leave us alone because they don't really understand what we are feeling and would be thoroughly embarrassed if we shouted out NO I'm not alright life is Sh**e .I am really glad we have this place to offload our hearts but even here it's muted I could use much stronger language  but the actual way I feel I'd probably get banned. Thankyou 

Dave,

I agree... many times I have written a message on this site, then on reading it back prior to posting I've had to edit to remove my bad language which others may find offensive.

Mym

Yeah exactly I do of course respect people's right to not have to see offensive content but at times I could do with a place with a big sign on it " expect bad language if you enter her" .