How do you deal with the traumatic death of a loved one?

My husband died at home on the 29th aug. I was not with him when he passed because I had gone to lie down in another bedroom, but the last words he ever said to me where ' I  love you' and I  replied 'I  love you too' and when I went in to see him in the early hours, he had gone ,he looked so pale and still,  he was so brave right up to his end, and although it is now nearly 3 months ago, i don't feel as though i will ever get over it, he had done to well,  7 years since his diagnosis of lung cancer, we had been together 52 years and part of me has gone with him.    people say it will get easier, I  am so looking forward to that time,  take care.

I don’t know what I was searching for on this forum this evening but your words speak my thoughts. 

I am not coping with these very same images and the anger I have for the suffering my partner had to endure at such a young age. He had his whole life ahead of him and it was taken away in 5 painful months of suffering. 

At the time of caring for him at home, I felt that I was dealing with everything pretty well but now 5 months on, the horrific thoughts of what he had to go through, how he dwindled away to nothing, are all consuming. 

I had some grief counselling whilst my partner was still with us, I found it comforting at the time but I’m not sure it would help now. I just miss him so much.

Sorry you are feeling this way, just a message to say, me too x 

Hi

My mum passed away last Sunday in hospital, a place where she should not have been.  I fought, cried and begged for almost 3 solid days for them to move her to a hospice as per her wishes.   They tried to save her, they should have let her go.  All they did was give her almost 3 days of suffering, of struggling with every breath.  I was with her at the end and like you it was hard to witness.  My mum struggled at the end, she tried to sit up, she clawed at herself, all I could do was grab her and whisper in her ear.  I am angry, I am sad that I could not give her a peaceful death although I know I did what I could do.  I am struggling to not picture these last few hours, to try and remember better times.  

I am so sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to you that you lost your Mum in such traumatic circumstances. Please try and take comfort in the knowledge that when your Mum passed she had you there to reassure her that she was so loved and not alone. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm proud of myself and grateful that I had the strength and the opportunity to be there for my most loved person in the world. I'm broken but my amazing husband deserved every last ounce of strength I had.

Hi Sulubee

I get what you mean I think. I am also six months down the line too since losing my husband to bowel cancer back in June. Sometimes its as though I am just `dreaming` that he is gone but then it hits like a wave that he actually is. He passed in hospital and my last image of him here at home was actually being stretchered out by paramedics being dragged along the floor. At the end up he took 4 bouts of sepsis and it was the 4th along with his advancing cancer that took him. His 4th bout of sepsis  meant that his blood pressure dropped to almost zero and the paramedics were actually worried about moving him incase he passed out completely so my last image of him leaving this house is being more or less dragged along the floor in a stretcher to avoid being moved and he was never to come back here again. He was hospitalised on the 1st of June but by that time he had been hospitalised so many times it was like 2nd nature He passed on the 23rd June in his hospital bed and I wasn't even aware he had gone. He was presenting with that horrible breathing that comes at the end I was sitting right next to him then became aware it had suddenly stopped. I shook him because I just thought he had gone back to sleep but got no response then I lifted his hand and it just flopped back down again. Then after that I think everything went in slow motion I remember walking down the corridor to the nurses station and saying `I think he's gone` and the two of the nurses raced up the corridor to his room they checked him over and tried to rouse him and finally one said `yes he's gone, he's at peace now`. I was then ushered out the room into a side room and given a cup of tea and time to get myself together and waited for our son to arrive. I can't say it was traumatic but expected when I saw him that night before he passed is as if I knew he was ready to go and if he didn't go that night I don't think he would have lasted the weekend. He was very restless in the end too constantly moving his legs and pulling at the sheets on his bed. He passed on the 23rd June around 7p.m. i'm not sure the exact time but know it was early evening. I to am considering some kind of counselling I thought I was coping but now I'm not so sure. I try to keep as active as possible but still have an awful feeling of emptiness. I can't cry for him I want to, but i won't come and I just can't find an outlet for what I believe the grief I still have bottled up inside me. It will come eventually or I hope it will because I just want to stop feeling like this. I am dreading Christmas my first without him in 40 years but I will try and make an effort at least for my little granddaughter she is only 3 years old and only vaguely remembers her `papa` I have photo's up of him and she says `that's my papa` . He so wanted to see her go to school but unfortunately the cancer and sepsis had other plans for him. I wish you all well on your journeys for the future. Bes Wishes

xx

I am sorry that your partners’ lives ended like this and that all of you were a witnesses of it. I had similar experience, too. It is so unjust. Cruel. The images are still very present for me, too. Sometimes I find the fact that my lovely husband suffered, more difficult than the fact that he is dead. I hope the images will fade away. I am trying to counter them with nice images of my husband from before the illness. I printed a photo book of nice pictures of him and keep looking at them. I also know that he would not like me to remember him the way he looked like in his last days, when he was not fully himself - when the death was taking over and his life was ending.  All of his life, apart from his dying days, he looked differently. I am trying not to allow the last days of his life to overwhelm and win over the real picture of him.  9 years ago, I had a traumatic experience when my mother died and even now some flashbacks happen, but they are fading a bit, they are not so frequent and not so overwhelming, as they were in the past. I hope this will be the case with traumatic images and memories of my husband’s dying hours, too. I feel you. Sending hugs to all x

I had similar experience although my wife died in hospital I was there when she passed her facial features where not nice she passed with her eyes open and mouth the one thing was seeing her in the chapel of rest when at least she looked like my wife all dressed so maybe this is what you might do to expel those memories if that helps my condolences with your loss 

Yes my husband passed and his mouth was open. When I went to view him at the funeral parlour they made him look like my Jay again although it wasn't him if that makes sense. He looked very peaceful though just as though he was asleep when he was going through the dying process in hospital I do remember him giving a slight smile like a `smirk` they say when someone is dying they `see` loved ones passed before as if standing in front of him so I like to think it was his loved ones beckoning him to come to them and that was what the smile was for. I know he will be in no more pain now and will be at peace and that is the main thing.