How do you deal with the traumatic death of a loved one?

My beautiful Valen was ripped from me 8 months ago in 2 days.

Last night, for the first time in 6 months, I woke up shouting. Reliving the last 30 minutes of his going.

We were in a hotel for his 1st round of trial drugs + chemo after a 4 week battle between his health insurance company and the hospital. In which time he had grown increasingly weak. To the extent he could no longer walk from the lounge to bathroom without stopping. His neck had swollen so large his breathing and talking were horrendous. 
On the phone, trying to sort out the treatment I had to hear him say to them “You are literally, literally, shortening my life. You are literally killing me”.

At 4.15am he said he couldn’t breathe. I tried his usual neck massages, but he batted my hand away and shook his head. 
We tried his inhalers but he couldn’t breathe them in. 
I phoned the hotel reception and asked for help, for the nebuliser I knew they had. Receptionist asked if we also wanted an ambulance. 
I turned to my husband who managed to say “ambu”. 
I turned back to the phone, said ambulance and out of the corner of my eye saw my beautiful, gentle, darling Valen’s whole body spasm and stiffen. 

Then it’s a whirl of dragging him to the floor. Screaming at him to wake up. Shouting for help. Screaming NO over and over. Thumping and shaking him. Cradling him. 
I knew instantly he had gone and didn’t even attempt CPR. To be honest I didn’t think about it. 
Receptionist with defibrillator. Paramedics. Helicopter crew. Police. 
Telling them to stop trying.  
Official pronouncement at 4.55am.

After he looked like my loving husband again. 
For some reason that awful horrendous swelling had just about completely disappeared. 

I know this is getting less frequent as I used to relive these final moments in detail every night. Then just every Thursday night. Then just every 26th. Then not the whole thing the last 2 months. 
Then last night, for some reason, Bam. The whole thing in intricate detail.

Sorry it’s a long post. Just needed to get this off my chest.