How do you deal with the traumatic death of a loved one?

My husband died at home as well. I don't think that he was aware of his last few hours but his body was trying to fight, he was so tired. You are right to describe it as a trauma and those memories will be clear in your mind for a while especially as you were alone with him. I had counselling and it was described as a type of PTSD. She explained that the most recent memories are the strongest at first but gradually they will fade and other memories will appear. It is difficult.  I am almost six months down the line and sometimes they still overwhelm me.

Try and remember that however traumatic it was you were with him till the end. That is a lot of love.

When you are ready find someone to tell how you are feeling.  It doesn't have to be a friend or family member,  I found a counsellor invaluable.

My husband's death at home was traumatic too but in a different way. He wasn't expected to die and we went to bed as normal. I woke in the middle of the night to find him gone. It was a huge shock and it's still something I've not been able to properly cope with. I can remember shaking him to wake up and not believing that he could be gone. Most people don't know the full story as it actually happened 

Thank you much for taking the time to respond and sharing your very painful and very private experience. I am so sorry that you had to go through this too. You have given me hope that there is light at the end of this extremely dark tunnel. I was thinking of counselling in any case so you have nudged me to actually make that happen. 

We are members of a club that no one wants to be a part of. No one else can possibly understand. 

My anxiety levels went through the roof and are still high some days. I just wanted to hide away. Luckily I have a dog that we got after my husbands diagnosis so that I would not  be alone.  I had to get up and take him out every day.  Gradually it got easier.

You will find the strength to get through each hour, each day.

I am truly sorry that your husband has died. I am however glad that you've found your way onto this forum as all of us understand the depths of your heartbreak.

My husband Chris died 10th October 2022. He died at home only 25 days after a diagnosis of lung cancer. I will never forget that day, the hallucinating and agitation. Chris died in my arms, the way he wanted, just me and him as it had been for 28 years.

I really struggled with the images in my head of how his face and body showed the battle he fought until he could no longer do so. It took me six months to reach out for professional counselling as I kept reliving those last hours over and over, and was diagnosed with PTSD.

The trauma counselling was the turning point in me beginning to function again. It helped me to retrain my thoughts into ones where even though my husband's last day was brutal, it was also a special day as my husband loved me so much he chose to share his last breath and heartbeat with me.

Yes, the images from that day still come into my head but no longer overshadow the amazing memories of the 28 years filled with love and laughter.

I am still learning how to live alongside my grief, I cry every day but it is no longer all consuming and I'm beginning to build a life in which I honour Chris whilst figuring out who I am now. 

Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace xx

Rachael

These could almost be my words except for diagnosis.....I've kept it locked away as felt I just couldn't tell anyone else how truly distressing it was and what I witnessed....I've finally spoken to a bereavement councillor as I needed to release the images in my head and didn't want them overtaking my life, as they'd pop in when i was driving too....it was hard and the images haven't gone away, but I feel they're out of my head.....Graham's last 12 to 24 hrs will always be with me, but they will fade and I won't think of them so much and now I'm letting the wonderful, happy memories of the life we shared in. This was 8 months ago.

It's remembrance Sunday, so while we're remembering our war hero's, let's also remember our own warriors, who fought bravely til the bitter end. Xx

Im so sorry for you loss

It's so hard, you always hope it will be peaceful, but my counsellor said that quite often it's not the case.....she related my experience and flashbacks to ptsd.....I'd kept it locked away for 8 months, just not been able to talk about it, but I feel relief that I've actually spoken about it....she assured me that the body has a way of coping and knows what to do as it nears the end and that it was worse for me watching than for Graham.....I said I also felt guilty as it was so distressing, I was willing him to die....I was talking to him and telling him how much he was loved and  to let the clutch out on his bike and open the throttle and go for it and get to the chequered flag first and wait for me there!....he did a lot of motocross in his day......it does help to talk, if you haven't already and though I haven't shared it with family or friends, she did ask if I had someone I could share it with...luckily I do, but not shared as yet.

These images will always be with us, but they will fade in time and not be at the forefront of our mind and the happy memories will make us smile.... i realise lucky I was to have the love of such a wonderful man, who I loved with equal measure.

You've taken the first step by reaching out on this forum lovely....its a tough journey, but don't keep it locked away, we need to talk about these things. Much love x

Hi Rachel, thank you so much for responding to my post. There is definitely something about a shared experience that eases some of the pain. I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved husband in this way and so grateful that you have the strength to share it. You have given me hope that I can be as strong as you and find some peace at some point in the future.

Hi Stace#4, thank you for sharing your experience and I am so sorry that you lost your husband in such a traumatic way too. I just feel so broken. Going through the rollercoaster of chemo for 6 months, then the despair when it didn't work then 6 months of caring at home and the brutality of my husband last few days have left me feeling drained beyond words. I know I'll find a way through eventually and knowing others have made it through too really helps.

I agree that knowing there are others who have this shared experience does ease some of the pain.

I have only talked in full about Chris' last day to the counsellor. I've told my friends that his last day was as peaceful as it could be as I really don't want to leave an image in their heads of what actually happened. I would much rather they remember him as a strong, fit man.

The loss of my amazing husband has taught me to live each day as it comes, minute by minute if necessary, and to not look too far into the future as tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Please keep talking on here, and if you have people you can rely on be honest with them about your feelings. I have okay days and challenging days, and I reach out to friends to let them know if I'm struggling on any given day. 

I've found that time does not heal all wounds, but over time we learn how to live alongside the grief. I know it will be with me for the rest of my life, as my love for Chris will continue until the last beat of my heart and beyond.