Why?

Hang in there, its all part of this hideous rollercoaster ride we find ourselves on. Do NOT feel guilty. Yo know in your heart she would not want you to feel that way. You cannot think of her every second and nor should you. That way you will never heal. Each day it will get a tiny bit better, you wont even notice the change until one day you realise you dont feel as bad as you did at the start. I'm not much help regarding the social interaction , as I mentioned previously, thats my idea of a perfect day, no people! Does your daughter know you are struggling? Can you reach out to her and tell her how you are feeling? She may not realise. Is there anything you like doing? watching? I know our motivation is low at this time but if there is something you can just lose yourself in, even for an hour, it will help. I dont watch any tv but I do watch a lot on line, is there anything you like? I love time team so I have been binge watching them, its all about finding little pockets of comfort wherever you can. I love reading so I have done a lot of that, you just need to find a little bit of structure to your day that aligns with YOU. My ideal day might be your idea of a day from hell! We just need to navigate our way through this as best we can in any way we can. xx

Longshanks I'm with you on all those `Whys`!  I ask myself all those things you are asking but all we can do is just TRY! It's only been a week for me. One whole week! I don't know how to feel, how to be or where to be. I can't cry which I don't feel is normal and that I should be able to that way I could at least get it out of my system.  I did plenty of it when he was ill going through what they call I think the anticipatory grief bit but it's as if I'm still not accepting he's gone although he really has. Still things I want to talk to him about or things maybe happen outside that I can't tell him has happened. I keep asking myself why this has happened to me and keep thinking I have done something bad to have him taken from me because I consider us both to be good people and he was one of those people who would do anything for anybody and it makes me angry at times there are lowlifes out there who comitt robberies, assaults etc and are still here or get freed to do whatever they want to do all over again. If it wasn't for my wee dog I wouldn't go out anywhere as I have been finding that hard to actually stepping outside my front door and just watching people go about their daily lives and business and wonder why can they be doing that for you the world just stops but I do realise that eventually it will begin turning again. Everything is just a day at a time just now. My best wishes to you. 

xx

Morning Patty.
(May I call you that).
I'm now crawling into my third week, and it's still horrendous. Yesterday was a bad day, and I came within one finger press if messaging the Samaritans. Each day now I have to persuade myself to face both the world and the day. Each second I expect Elaine to walk through the door or call my name from another room. I feel she’s just popped out and a anticipate her return momentary. But the door frame remains empty. I too don’t cry, except for short bursts mixed with anger and weeping.
I feel an anger that this could have ever happened to her and get furious at people who tell me that they will pray for me. It hasn't worked so far. One thing I have learnt through all this, there is no 'god' and there ever was he's sick minded being.
So another damned day to crawl through on a path laced with broken glass. It gets no easier and I really believe it never will. I don't know if I'll make it, but at least for now I'm still trying.
How was your day of hell?

Very hard for me just now Longshanks. I am about to enter my second week as a widow. I have thoughts of better days to come and try to move myself but really I just feel rooted to the sofa just now. I have my older sister staying with me at present. She is in her 70's and has mental and learning difficulties she is epileptic among other things we both have a genetic disorder called Tuberous Sclerosis which was gentically passed on through our mother. My sister was one of identical twins and her sister passed from a brain tumour when she was only 17 I was only 6 years old at the time. She lived in sheltered housing accomodation but is within walking distance from me. She stays over at mine a couple of nights a week when Jay (my husband) was really ill we made this arrangement and it sort of stuck. As a cruel twist of fate she had her first home bowel screening test last week and though it is so simple to do she found it difficult so needed to help her with it. Well she went home yesterday to pick up some mail and her test result has come back saying they need further investigation. This could not have come at a worse time for me as I have just lost Jay to bowel cancer and can't think of going through that hell again. My sister had breast cancer 4 years ago and beat it it was caught very very early so she had it cut out and has been in remission since. I just hope it hasn't `changed ends` if like and it's now in her bowel. She has never done one of these bowel screening tests before and they have never sent one out to her before. I get them every two years and mine are always clear. Jay unfortunately would never do his and it would just get thrown in a drawer and forgot about. Ironically his excuse was `what if they find something` which they eventually did but found it too late. If he only did it when I nagged him at the time maybe he'd still be here. I just can't think ahead for now. If you feel you need to reach out to someone though there is a text service called SHOUT they are quite good I have used them in the past it's all contact is anonymous through your mobile phone just like the Samaratins and then there is the CALM website also. Just incase you maybe feel things are really bad for you some days go on there and speak to someone. Please Take Care.

xx

You my friend are lucky you can even get on the sofa. Our three dogs have long since staked a claim on its ownership! 

You sound as if you have had and are having a rough time.  Family is wonderful (if you have any) but there must surely come a time when they think you need to move on or get over it!

I've come to realise in the past week, there is sadly them and us. Only those who are in our position know the true depth and that it never heals, that you'll never get over it or move on. It's a horrible but treasured bond we all share. We'll never tell you that and will always sstand with you hand in hand.

I'm nearly two years a widow now,this takes a long time to work out and the harder it gets the tougher you will get, iv lost my husband my home my job my best friend and the life I had for 30 years, it all gone just memories,but you can kick and scream all you like this is your tragedy and its very lonely and personal you will carry on and you will find your way its really unpleasant,but its just part of your journey this is about you now how you manage the devastation its easy to want out to stop feeling but you can't you just can't you have to challenge yourself  to carry on x

That is beautifully put Jayne, thank you for your wise and inspiring words, they have certainly helped me x

A lot of your words resonate with Me to. The family house which I alone occupy is Mortgaged and not in my name. Plus.it needs repaying. Plus she had a huge loan in her name which is uninsured. Don't get me wrong,  I loved her to the depth of my soul,but  beneath the personal loss and grief I've financial mightmares simmering and away.  I could loose everything and end up in a static caravan but I have to try to cope with the mess and find someway to live on. But it's not how I saw life 1 year off retirement. 

No doubt some would say here it's gods plan or he has a plan or prayer will....

I just have no routine at the minute at the moment its get up in the morning sit and have a cup of tea and sit and think of doing something and sit and think of doing something and so on and so on but the `something` never gets done. When Jay was here we used to just go out through the day for the hell of it just for a drive thru coffee or something and the day had a bit of a routine about it be it out food shopping or housework I had a day in the week I would clean maybe the bathroom he would do the kitchen n I'd do the living room etc but that routine has all gone and as I said takes me all my time to get off the sofa now except for when it's time for bed. and so it just goes on like this. I know I am grieving and I feel I need to actually force myself to do something but the more I feel I want to force myself the less I want to do it. In the 4 years since Jay retired, he had no type of retirement at all. Fifty years in work and hardly ever a sick day or a day going to the GP or hospital. He retires and it's more or less an everyday occurrence. Our house is mortgage free so at least I don't have that hanging over me. He too took out a loan last year but thankfully it was insured so was able to be wiped clear. We have a static caravan in Argyll Scotland which I am afraid will need to be sold. This was his little bit of paradise for his retirement but there is just no way I can keep it going on my own and as it's more or less an `owners only` site there is no way you can let it out but I don't know if I would want to let it out to strangers anyway. I asked my son would he want to take it on for himself and his partner and my little granddaughter but unfortunately their finances like a lot of people are stretched and it's one they could do without. It will break my heart to do this because it is in the most perfect setting but unfortunately it needs to be done and I don't think I could go there on my own without him and it was for both of us to enjoy. I just hope through time things will get better for me and I can take it a day at a time and get there eventually. 

I'm in that position iv tried to pay the mortgage but the interest rate rise has given me no option but to sell up,I used all of my husband's pension to pay debts,and trying to cling on to our home,so at 60 years old I'm having to go back to full time work,and buy some run-down property with what equity I have,I'm still grieving,I'm scared to death don't know where I'm going end up,going for interviews,grovelling at the job centre,and to top it all off iv been called up for jury service did not think my life would be like this at my age and alone, I'm not going give up easily though, I'm going to get through this and be proud of myself x