Grief has hit me like a train

Dear Mark,

I also from way you write about your dear Jeni ,hear how much love you have, I say have as I’m still love Alan deeply I think that is the hardest part when they pass your love has nowhere to go, I’m half the person I was as half of me is Alan, He had OCD which was a little challenging at times but was part of him, Like you say I’d give anything to watch him check each light switch at night,each door was locked,His pants and socks are still in neat little rows in his draws, I’ve tried several times to sort things out but each time I came across a shirt he loved that still smells of him,I’m not ready for that he’s staying put,It’s the first card you get without their name in it, Writing cards I want to put him in, but not sure if I’d upset anyone so I just put a star next to my name,So no it’s not odd at all nothing will ever stop us missing them nothing, They Will always be apart of us,

best wishes

Pam

Oh Pam that was so lovely. Lost my beloved Jay just 3 weeks ago and we hold his funeral this Friday. This is all the things I am dreading being on my own although weirdly when he was here his job meant he worked away from home a lot so being on my own never actually phased me all that much think because I knew he was coming back but this time he isn't and that hurts like hell. Yes I realise too all the things I'm going to miss. Cozying up in front of the TV on the long winter nights writing Christmas cards without his name on them and getting Christmas cards without his name on them maybe even not bother with Christmas cards this year- we'll see. Celebrating Christmas without him too but last Christmas was really when his health began taking a downward spiral and I don't know if I want to be reminded of that. So much to look at what is to come in the future and I hope I can handle it. Best Wishes

Vicky

Dear Pam

Bless you, it is so very painful and emotionally exhausting for sure, my Jeni's bathroom is exactly how she left it, i walk past it and imagine her having her soak, i can smell her perfume, breaks my heart everytime. Her cup still sits on the kitchen side, her gardening shoes sit by the shoe rack, her trowel still plunged in a pot, everything a reminder wherever i go, wherever i am, i imagine her.

I know its a little early but i have decided to cancel Christmas, i cant stand the thought. It is 3 calendar months tomorrow since i held her tight as she took her last breath, i have hit the wall of depression and fear full on these last few days, never have i felt such pain. My poetry is dark ( and i do swear occasionally ) i have tried to copy and paste a poem on here but for some reason it wont allow me, let me know if you would like me to send you a couple of my poems, not to worry if not, its just that i have sent a couple to friends that have lost partners and they have been well recieved.

I have a busy day today which is good, i can only wish you a good as day as possible. take care

Best wishes

Mark

Dear Vicky,

So very sorry for your loss must of been very hard day Friday.I don’t know how I masted the strength to get though Alans funeral , But we did him proud as they say,Yes I think it will be just as weird as you knew he was coming home,Alan paid off our mortgage before he found out he had lung cancer, so was able to retire early we had such a lot of plans, Sadly not meant to be I don’t see myself doing them alone, I have amazing family but they have their own lives to lead, Wouldn’t have it any other way the grandchildren keep me busy but it’s the evening and weekends that still grief hits when it wants, It’s long hard road that we all on, Because of grand children I did Christmas last year,The year before was tough as Alan bless him was trying to enjoy Christmas had funny turn at dinner, Untill that year I loved Christmas it was heard to have same enthusiasm for it last year, I watched grandchildren and wished with all my heart he was by my side, Do you not have family get togethers? I think you need to do what makes you feel ok,There’s no rules, You will handle it as you have to I always say it is what it is not what I want but what I have to do,we all here to help nothing is wrong you just do your best, 
best wishes and big hug 

Pam

Dear Mark

Oh yes I remember the early months crippling time, I cried nearly everyday,It early day for you to no one can help or take your pain,That most be hard last memory, We we’re in hospice me our two daughters and son, His last day for us was horrific as he was put on intravenous drugs so he knew nothing of his last couple day the noise he was making I still hear, We we’re all at his side when he passed, Wednesday before he passed I woke early hours and stupidly knew I wasn’t taking him home, Had to hold him which I was scared to do as he was hypersensitive as he had permanent drain in his chest, but we held each other told each other love you, I watched my father pass a year before that and said I can’t watch another person I love go, One of hospice nurses came and held me said I was able to do it as I’ve been looking after him at home for months, Watching him fade was so hard he lost his appetite and wanted to but couldn’t eat, So I feel your pain and say I’m here if you need to talk,

Alans aftershave is in his wardrobe the first time after he passed I had to go in there to get dreaded paper work, The smell made me fall to the floor in heap, His Chelsea bowl is on my draining board ,his grandad cup on my mug tree,His electric toothbrush still next to mine and shaving stuff still in bathroom cabinet,Yes I’m happy to see your poetry don’t worry I worked in factory was bought up with 3 brothers I know most swear words,

I hope your day went well, I stay with my daughter on Wednesdays so be back tomorrow 

best wishes and hug 

Pam

Hi Pam if its the same noise we are talking about it would be `the death rattle` like a gurgling rasping sound? I experienced this with my dad just before he passed with lung cancer in a hospice. The day Jay passed I went in and he could hardly speak at all and just had to point to me what he wanted like his drink cup or whatever the nurses said his swallow reflexes had just about gone as well and he was finding it hard to swallow any kind of food even soft foods. I went to get some sandwiches from the cafe downstairs at the hospital and a drink and went back up to his room he was still gurgling away and then I suddenly became aware that he had gone quiet so just thought he had gone into a deep sleep so I nudged him and got no response. Called his name still no response and then I lifted his hand and it just flopped back down again. So after that everything sort of went in slow motion and I went down to the nurses station and said `I think he's gone` two nurses rushed up and one took his pulse and like me called his name and then checked again for a pulse then turned to me and said `so sorry he's at peace now`. I knew he didn't have long because of that breathing sound and knew if he didn't last the night he wouldn't see out the weekend but I can just console myself at least that he is at peace now and will be reunited with all his family and friends gone before. My nerves are jangling and I just want the next two days over with so I can breathe again. 

xx

Dear Pam

Thank you again, it was an extremely traumatic experience and one that will live with me forever, however i am glad i was there for my Jeni even if it was heartbreaking. I miss her so very very much, i visited a few places yesterday for work, it was a tough day, we used to go to all antique shops together, Jeni had such a good eye and we were a formidable team, a fantastic partnership in business and life.

Bless you and Alan, going into the wardrobe that first time must have wrenched at your heart, i know the feeling well, it was my Jeni's birthday a few days before she passed, the balloons we got her are slowly going down in the spare room, even that is breaking me, such silly things but so very very prominent.

hope your having an " ok " day

Take care

Best wishes

Mark

Dear Mark

i just think everything we do we do with them in are hearts and deep within our souls,Life will never be the same and we will find away to make them proud, I’ve been told by people how the think I’m doing so well coping, But the break downs are behind closed doors mostly,Everything reminds me of him in some way,

Im sure you will do ok with keeping yours and Jeni’s business going it is the small little things that hurt so bad at times, You have ok day too,

best wishes

Pam

Dear Vicky

It’s a lot to experience isn’t it?Im lucky to have family close,It’s trying to feel you want to see future but one day at a time is all we can do,I to am glad he’s no longer in pain and with mine and his dad other family to.The world goes on around us we just stuck at moment, I hope you have best weekend you can have, Keep going sending hug,

Pam xx

Hi Pam

Thanks for that. Well the funeral went as well it could on Friday and now the emptiness begins. I am relieved that it is all over now but not relieved he is officially gone. I just feel lost just now as to how or where I should be or how I should feel. Everyone says there is no wrong or right way to feel going through this but just now I just feel so empty. I don't want to just start trying to throw myself into doing things that I'm not ready to do yet or just that I feel I have to do them. Had a few well-meaning people come up to me and say I should try doing this that or the other and how they will keep in touch and give me a phone etc but we'll see how that materialises. I suppose I'll know myself when I'm ready to get back to things.