Hello, as with everyone on here I wish I wasn’t but here I find myself, I would like to firstly send you all heartfelt condolences for each and every loss, I lost my Jeni 12 weeks ago, my beautiful girl was diagnosed on January the 13th and passed on April the 13th, I alongside her daughter held her whilst she took her last breath, it was the most heartbreaking moment of my 53 years, never have I experienced anything so traumatic, the speed and severity of this disease is simply devastating.Jeni was the most beautiful person that I had ever met, not only beautiful to look at ( she had days before turned 60 but would pass for 40 easily ) she was the most beautiful inside, loving, caring, thoughtful, compassionate, trustworthy person I’ve ever met. Goodness knows how I got to be the lucky one but I did and for that I am thankful. From the moment we met we were inseparable, I was organising a charity event and Jeni bought a raffle ticket, her number was drawn, I got in touch to let her know she had won a prize, she came to pick it up and never left my side from that moment on, we were both single and neither looking for love but boy did we find it.
We only had 7 years together which is heartbreaking enough but the way that my girl was taken no one should experience. To give just one example of my Jeni’s make up, the day we were told it was pancreatic cancer the consultant asked her if there was anything she was worried about, she said yes Mark, she automatically thought of me rather than herself, it broke my heart. The obvious happened over the next 12 weeks and I cared for her at home, 2 hospital stays then finally again at home where Jeni wanted to be and where I wanted her to be. After she passed I went into total shock and a place of traumatic denial, thinking everyday that this is the worst it can get, this is the lowest most empty and lonely place I could ever be, but still it got worse to the point that now the shock is subsiding and reality is hitting home, it feels like I have been hit by a train, I have grief therapy once a week but it’s hard to gauge progress when still your in free fall, this last week I have felt like I’m close to rock bottom, the pain, the loneliness, no energy, no motivation or interest in anything, it’s a difficult and dark place to be, I kept a journal but found I was writing the same painful things everyday so now I use poetry and write whatever comes into feeling, it’s a long tough road ahead of me as I miss her so very very much, I just take everyday a day at a time and very small steps in the hope that one day I might wake to a slightly better feeling than the day before, this is a horrific and heartbreaking experience to go through which I would wish on no one, every minute of everyday a battle but I do my best to keep fighting on, thank you for reading, thoughts are with you all M
