So sorry ....

Hi Bluebell, thanks for sharing your experience. It was similar for me,  my husband didn't want to know how long he had left, though once the brain tumour returned and he lost movement in his arm, and leg was going, lots of medication etc he was depressed.

But same as you I think we were both in denial,  and he died more suddenly of a haemorrhage. He didn't say anything about last wishes or dying but we talked about everything and we were together nearly 33 years. 

It's 7 months for me so still in denial my husband won't be coming back. 

I need to invent my own story somehow to remove regrets or guilt. People  say you did the best you could at the time and he would have known you loved him. Before he was even ill he often said he had no regrets of what he'd done in life which I thought was odd as he would have years ahead. So I guess that is a comfort. He did say he had a sort of sixth sense or intuition about the future. I wish so much I could speak to him again 

Love to allxxx

This is such an isolated lonely scary experience but it shouldn't be we are all here telling our stories where is the support we need because this is a massive life changing event and we are supposed to accept it im really struggling,I'm 60 got to sell my home of 30 years because of the interest rate,need to go back work full time but who wants a 60 year old can't eat,can't sleep,sorry just thought my life would be settled at my age,iv always been independent gave my job up to look after my husband.

then that voice comes in my head at least your alive.

Sorry I'm just finding things very stressful and not knowing who can support me never had to do anything alone trying my best but its challenging x

Jayne 64,

What I find difficult just now is what seems to still be a complete lack of understanding and/or empathy of our situation amongst so many others. I have very good friends who simply think that's a year now, I should move on. They can't get it that my mind is still absolutely all over the place. At any moment of any day I can be calm as anything and within seconds the complete opposite. They don't get it.

Work wise I too am looking for something and find that, in my 50s, it's harder than they make it out to be when you watch the news or read the papers. I'm not so sure that those who make the decision on who to employ agree with the 'desire' to encourage those over 50 to get back into work! Someone needs to tell them this is what the Government has been claiming over quite a few months now!

We are very much on our own regardless of our individual family and friends situation. It's hard to know what to do. I too find things so much more difficult now and the irony is that any decision I make really only impacts upon me.

This has been the most emotional experience I've ever been through and, like many, I've had a few other hurdles in life to get over. Nothing has compared to this however.

I'm not sure this helps any - but we know we're not alone in this awful situation we find ourselves in.

Take care,

WDJ

• Thankyou nice to know someone gets what I'm going through,I  guess i must have had a pretty good life upto now because I'm really scared I just want to grieve but I can't iv got to sort a new life out for myself on my own,I go for interviews which is tough at any age,but when they ask what your situation is and you say you have lost your partner your judged as being an emotional liability when they should be thinking this person is tough and resilient but they aren't interested in helping you move on.

I used to see homeless people and wondered how they got in that situation but I know now how easy it is to slip into a situation when a life changing event happens and you can't control the aftermath 

Also what happens to all the contributions my husband paid all his working life who gets them his state pension he paid towards no one has explained this to me I know I might sound silly but no one explains these things

Jayne 64,

I too wonder about all the State Pension/National Insurance contributions made over the years. I'm also very confused about it as well. I've read a few things online and at times I interpret it to be maybe I can get something and the next time I think no I don't. My wife hadn't reached retirement age yet either, which maybe also hints at me getting nothing. Makes you wonder why we all do it if it just disappears when we do to!

It's the last thing I've still to look into and, to be honest, until I read your post, I'd completely forgot about it with all the other stuff still going on a year after. I think I'm simply going to go to a DWP office or phone them. I'll also see if there's anything on Macmillan about this.

It's all just a minefield - and you're right, we're left just to find these things out for ourselves when our heads are in the worst place they may ever have been!

Take care,

WJD

NI contribution go to pay the benefits at the time such as sickness benefits and ultimately the state pension.  There isn't an individual pot of money waiting for someone when they retire. 

Hi jayne64,  what a dedicated and caring wife you were to give up your work to care for your husband to help in his final days. I didn't give up my job as I was worried about losing my position later. I worked from home but have the regret wasn't more time with my husband.

Reading your financial problems now and lack of support, I wonder if you can see Citizens Advice Bureau. My step mother volunteered there for a while until my Dad got too infirm and they definitely could advise you. 

In the job interview, although it's difficult you need to be confident and as you say show how resilient you are, coping with multiple administration processes and personal changes.   Also how focused you are etc. You'll be more reliable as you have the financial necessity and more mature. I do a bit of hiring and people look for the attitude more now. Adaptor g to change is also something hirers look for

I wonder if macmillan or cruise offer support for financial questions or career advice. 

We are stronger than we think. We can imagine a bit of our partner is part of us now. 

It's an idea. 

Keep posting so we can all help each other. Hearing your posts helped me to know I wasn't alone in my experience. 

Heather xxx