So sorry ....

mpb1963,

What a thought provoking message to write. I'm not sure what else I can say.

Take care,

WDJ

My goodness you are a very special man I'm sure everyone around you knows it, thankyou for your perspective of this god awful experience I'm so grateful you have shared feelings with us ️ 

I deeply regret the conversations my husband and I didnt have because it was to painfu,l to painful to say anything out loud because that would have made the inevitable outcome real,even though we knew it was coming,when he died I searched through all his belongings hoping he had left me a note revealing his feelings that he couldn't discuss with me while he was here but it was wishful thinking  

Jayne 64,

We too didn't discuss the end at all. I never raised it as my wife didn't. I believed, and still do, it wasn't for me to implement the discussion. If she had wanted to then of course I would have.

There were a couple of things she said, which I will never share, that took me by surprise when she said them and to this day I still can't figure them out. I wonder if it was the drugs; I will never know!

I too always harboured the idea of finding a message somewhere but alas nothing.

It's just such a sad situation.

Take care,

WDJ

Oh Marco, your wife may not want to hear this at the moment, but  I can tell you, it does help....my darling Husband and I had these sort of conversations and it was hard, as I didn't want it to be real that he wasn't going to be with me for much longer. He told me to go on and live my life, be happy and not be lonely...kind of giving his permission for me to be with someone else...it upset me, as I couldn't imagine being happy, or be with anyone else. We had nothing left unsaid between us and for that I'm grateful. Now he's gone, 9 weeks today and while I still can't imagine the rest of my life without him, I owe it to him to try my best and know that it will be with his blessing. 

A poignant, but lovely legacy to leave someone.  Bless you Marco.

Stace#4, 

Yes: this is the exact point: us who leave have this terrifying picture of our partners living a lonely, sad, unprotected life. We feel guilty for abandoning you and leaving you in harm's way, we see your lives getting worse and worse. And that is precisely what causes the most grief.

If only my wife and my daughter could promise to find peace and I knew, somehow, that they are going to get it very soon... only then I think I could find peace too.

You all need to understand that this would make your partners happy. Think of them looking down (not necessarily in a religious sense!) and finally smiling when you tell them "ok, enough crying now. Let's start living again!". I know that's exactly what I would like Monica and Camillato do.

I did say to my hubby, that I would find it hard, but promised him I would do my best with his blessing to get on with my life...small steps at the moment though x

I have to say it's lovely of you to say this and I sincerely hope that your wife has you around for a good while.

We never talked about what my life would be like without him and in many ways I'm glad.  I have yet to find any peace or start living a new life without him.  

Your post has been on my mind all weekend. I think you are so brave to address the situation hopefully long before it happens.

During one of Colin's last stays in hospital(Feb 2020)the senior cancer specialist faffed about basically saying 'you need to put things in order' without actually saying the words.  I was asking her what was she trying to say and had to say those words myself. We had a macmillan nurse that came to the house (when she wasn't off sick) who not once said as much- and I saw that as a coffin nail going in. I rang her up pretty distraught at this revelation and she said that was to come into our next appointment. We left the hospital with a bag of 'controlled drugs' a couple of days later. 

Colin started phoning pension companies and explaining his situation and put all that kind of stuff in place. On March 11th the oncologist at James Cook said there was nothing else that could be done for him, no trials, not a bloody thing!

On the Friday before he died we had the discussion about me moving forwards etc and about his funeral through many many tears. We rang the undertaker with the intention of pre planning the funeral thinking we'd have to do something upfront but he said just to ring him when needed- I rang him on Sunday 5 April, 2 days later

The only thing Colin didn't do was write a will. So, not being a computer wizz I started doing it online and got so frustrated- it took me weeks! ThanksCol

Passwords

Pensions

Insurance companies 

All vital information for the surviving spouse- as in 'affairs in order'

I really hope you have lots of time to make some memories and have precious moments together ️  

(((Bighug))

I've been on this forum for nearly 3 years, but haven't  been able to continue responding,  been so low,  nearly 3 year since my beautiful husband of 47 years left, my life changed forever. Like Jayne and wildcat my husband and I never talked about   how I'd cope without him or how he was feeling anything really to do with him dying,  it was just to painful to even think about, like Jayne I looked for notes,  and wished really we had talked about stuff , but the pain was and still is to much. We talked always about everything,  but not that.  I think we both were in denial.  I miss him everyday