This hurts, I mean physically hurts.
Its 8 weeks since we got married quickly as my big man, my Andy was so poorly, we had the most perfect day and friends and family couldn't believe how well he looked and got through the day - he used every ounce of energy to make it a perfect lasting memory
After that day - down hill, it was like he just gave up all and all the fight had gone, 18 days later he passed away on 4 October.
After finally being diagnosed with cancer of unknown primary in May, after initially being dismissed it was an incidental find back in January, we chose not to know the actual prognosis, not being daft we knew it would only be 6-12 months - he managed 5 months aged only 53.
I wasn't ready for that final few hours, I'm not sure Andy was either, I certainly didn't feel prepared that as soon as the GP said it was time to get him on the 'just in case medicines' that my live was about to be blown to smithereens.
The acute team left at 10.30pm that night, he was calmer and relaxed but I didn't know it would render him unconscious. Had we have done I'm sure we should have said more - his last words to me 'give me a kiss, I love you' within 40 minutes of the nurses leaving he slipped away while I popped into the living room for 5 minutes - he went while I wasn't there!
To say I'm broken is an understatement, I'm sure all of you that are in this awful club we didn't want to be in know this too. The pain is intense to the point i think I'm going crazy - how can this hurt so much.
I went to the hospice last week that Andy & I attended only once, as his Cancer got hold and he deteriorated so quickly. I sat with one of the sisters in a sacred space (I'm not religious but certainly now in touch with spirituality more) I explained my pain to her - she said, it's Andy's soul, deep within your heart, he's letting you know he hasn't left you and will be with you always. I guess that made a little sense and gave me some comfort.
I have just started to read a book recommended to me, not that I want a fix as I know there isn't one or any sticking plaster big enough to heal this pain we are all going through. It's called 'It's ok that you're NOT ok' by Megan Divine. I'm only a few pages in as I lose concentration but she really does explain how this pain is and how other people can be so cruel, offering to help then no idea how to help. Not sure how it will develop as I get into it more but it's not just for us, living this nightmare, it maybe good for family & friends to get an understanding what we are going through too. Megan went through a tragic loss of her partner so she 'get's' it!
I will not be fixed, I won't 'get over it' with time, I won't ever get back to my original life and normality - my life has changed forever, we have been robbed out our futures with the one's we love. I would only go back to that if Andy was here with me but I know he is only here inside my heart now, not physically.
It's nice to know that I can put my feelings on here to all of you and you know, this is our grief journey, not comparable to anyone else, I will own this for as long as I need!
