I just wasn't prepared!

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. His illness was so fast and he was so young. It's very  poignant  he was able to say some loving last words to you. That really is wonderful. 

My husband died around the same date Oct 3. 6 weeks yesterday.  I keep going over different things. His final day was spent unconscious in A and E and I wasn't told he was dying til the end of the day. I wasn't prepared. People have advised don't think of that last moment, or last illness, just the wonderful years and life you spent together.

I have come back to England for a few days now to spend time with different family members, I live near Barcelona . Apart from the shocking weather contrast, it's an odd feeling as though going back in time and not having my 34 years in Spain . It's a  hard reality check that life goes on.  Today off to stay with my 87 year old Dad...

I will check out the book  you mentioned . I think it must capture our feelings that we don't want to move on and that our partners will be with us always as part of who we are.

Daybreak I'm sorry you are here going through this too.
You can't help but relive the last moments, the what if's and if only' s,  when I have quiet time I feel the guilt, i found a message on Andys phones to his friend saying he couldn't get out much due to his strong meds he couldn't drive so had to wait for me but I was always working!
That broke my heart further because I had to work to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads - now I feel guilty that maybe I should have taken more time off but I did what I needed at the time.

I know life goes on, it feels like I'm on the fast waltzers at the fairground but I'm stuck in the engine house in the middle and can't get off!

We will never be the same again, life will be different for us no matter what anyone says to help ease us, we have changed and our lives are on a completely different path to what they were 2 months ago.

Big hug to you lovely xx

I'm so sorry to find you here with us who sadly know your pain. It's lovely that his last words were loving ones. In my case there were no final words as I woke in the middle of the night to discover him gone. It was totally not expected.

I hope you have support around you. Take care 

Oh wildcat, I’m so sorry for your loss.

so many medical professionals I have spoken to have all said we chose when to go, gives me a little comfort that my Andy waited until I left his room for 10 minutes - still breaks my heart to think of it though and it’s only 6 weeks tonight.

I also can’t imagine the future and to be honest I don’t want to - we hoped for at least another 30 years and used to laugh about it before this cruel disease crippled us.

sending you love xx

Claireh,

I was told by the nurses at the hospice that it is often the case that our loved ones go when we are not there. It happened to me too. Three weeks of hospice care, me being there probably 18 hours a day. I left for, in my mind an hour, and was told to come back. Too late, she was gone. Did she choose to deliberately? I do wonder.

Did we get some final words? Not really. I like that you did and those words are really, really, nice. Actually, they're lovely.

Take care,

WDJ

Hello everyone

Final words. Yes , I left Barry the night before he died. I asked what he wanted. He said "I only want you, love ".

It still breaks my heart. He did choose when to go, I am sure of it.

Thinking of you all today. This really helps to talk about anything? 

Hugs as always

Hi all just had to get this out,lynne was in hospice a week in which she was unconscious so never spoke and it is so upsetting that I can't remember what our last conversation was ,we obviously said we love each other and see you tomorrow but it has just disappeared in the past, in her last moments she became agitated, distressed and her eyes were open but she didn't look like she was looking at me, I was so upset I asked the nurse if she could give her something to calm her, which she did but she said it could make things happen quicker but I just couldn't see her like that, she'd gone through horrendous pain and trauma I just wanted her to be at peace, now I keep going round in my head did I do the right thing, the thought wont leave me its 14 months now I don't suppose it ever will but I know there was nothing anyone could do to stop this terrible outcome , so when I have bad thoughts I look at photos of happier times and try to block them out sometimes it works sometimes not ,just got to keep trying and doing our best to make them proud, love and best wishes to everyone 

Oh Tellin, please don’t feel guilty, you did what was right at the time as I did for my Andy. He had had enough, his body just couldn’t take anymore pain and he certainly didn’t want me have to look after his every need ie toileting etc. he went with dignity even though it was very quick, he didn’t suffer in the end he was calm.

I’ve just ordered a journal, I’m hoping it will help me process everything (I wrote everything down from every appointment Andy had and also detailed his last day, even though when I look back now it was awful - I need to remember some of it for my own sanity.

I will also write down things I want to tell him on a daily basis. Even though I do talk to him every day and ask him questions. I have 2 lovely pictures of him on the coffee table (one from our wedding day 18 days before he passed) I light a candle for him in front of them, every night and I have flowers too as he loved them!

im sure your Lynne & my Andy would be proud of us. As you say keep going, keep trying every hour as I’m sure they would want us too!

big hug to all reading this, we in this awful club together- not one person outside of this knows how we feel and there’s nothing they can say or do to help us feel better xxx

hi, I also can’t remember the last conversion we had and like you I asked for Rob to be given something to calm him. Sadly Rob had secretions and death rattle for his last 42 hours which was horrendous.  Rob was at home but the local hospice nurse came frequently.  I was so so upset what was happening but she said he wouldn’t know he was dying as he was unconscious but could hear us still.  My daughter and I stayed with him telling him much we loved him and it was time for him to go and meet his grand parents.  

Every day i think about those last 2 days, awful and still 14 months on can’t picture him before the last 3 weeks of his life.  I so want to picture us having one of the many happy times we had together.

chelseabluegirl, so sorry to hear about Rob.how awful for you and your daughter to have to witness that!

my Andy also had secretions, really bad for 3 weeks that the gp kept giving him antibiotics thinking it was a chest infection- I suppose they didn’t know it was the cancer that had progressed or they were just trying to help him & me seeing as we had only been married 18 days before.

Andy was at home and I was with him in my own but left him for 20 mins as he seemed to be calmer. When I went back in the room, he’d gone!

not sure if this will help but I have photos of Andy and the 2 of us together all over the house - not as a shrine or anything but to help with happy thoughts & memories of how he was right up to us getting married and having the perfect day.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’m going to start writing a daily journal and look back over the years to the same day and find a happy memory and write something about Andy & what we got up to to try and remember the life before this awful disease robbed me of him and our future.
Only 6 weeks for me, we have no family so I need to try what I can to remember my fit & healthy husband, not the poorly helpless one.

big hug n lots of love to you xxx