What Were They Really Thinking and Feeling?

I'm here. I'm hearing you. Our pain is sharp and ever-present. You are not alone, even though it feels that way the whole day. Nights are torture, as you know. Keep writing. 

Hi Jayne 64

still here ……plodding now is hard

nights horrendous go to bed at 7pm don’t sleep just cuddle into Paul’s Rab coat

dont put tv on cannot bear it

went to church remembrance service yesterday vicar also read out names of people who had died in the village ( 3 Paul was one)

folk asked me how I was 

I don’t say fine cos I’m not so said I’m finding it really hard….. they then lurch into a totally unrelated conversation 

that’s why I don’t go out

paul and I never spoke about things he always said ‘we’re got a plan we’ll get through it’

were we clutching at straws or desperate to believe that was so

did Paul believe that shielding ne I know but what was he thinking…..

selfish I know but this situation is utterly awful

its so true you never know what you have till it’s not there

i want Paul back and our life…..

sending hugs to help everyone through Monday

xx

Jayne 64,

Still here too. Been with family over weekend, which has been a better couple of days than I'd anticipated.

Back home later today though - and that is a whole different matter.

Take care,

WDJ

No definitely haven’t moved on. I seem to be worse in my grief at the moment. I’ve been made redundant so I’m at home with no focus. I can’t read because I can’t remember what I’ve just read once I’ve turned the page. I struggle to watch any tv if I have to concentrate. Though I do watch Strictly as it’s my programme. I don’t watch the news because it irritates me & makes me sad in equal measure. I do the housework On auto pilot and I plan/shop & cook meals for my children. I look after my dog who is also still moping after my husband & we have a new puppy who is hard work but is lots of fun & has filled a little bit of the void but my heart is broken & I can’t get rid of the ache that’s inside of me. I laugh from time to time we talk about the good times & we relive some of the awful last weeks of my husbands illness. We talk about maybe selling the house where we might move to and where we would like to go on holiday but then my boys go about their lives, go off to work college out with friends etc and I sob. Then I pull myself together decide to have a clear out get a bag of stuff for charity shop and I feel good and helpful. Then a thought comes into my mind about the lovely man I’ve lost and I’m back sobbing again. I go out sweep up some leaves in the garden potter in the shed, cut back a plant or 2 have another sob. Make a call, do a bit of washing/ironing & hoover the bedroom & have another sob. I catch sight of myself in the mirror & think “look at the state of you”. I put my make up on & try to look decent but inside the ache is still there. Every day it’s the same do this, do that, sob repeat but it’s the new normal for me now. I’m sure my husband wouldn’t want me to be like this but it’s my loss & my grief and I had to be strong for him and cry in the shower every day while he was Ill & dying. Now I can sob wherever I am in the house unless I have company and then I wait until I’m alone. It’s almost 7 months & billions of tears but it’s how I get through each day and how I manage to carry on.

love & hugs to all members of this widows/widowers club. We never wanted to join but we can help each other along the way x

pinky x

Hi Pinky

i can so relate to how you cope

jobs In garden around the house ( auto pilot) sob 

sob sob and loud!

16 weeks yesterday lifetime

i too look in the mirror horror 

I gave a lovely photo of Paul and I taken 2nd July 2021 we went to see Micheal ball in hairspray  a long story but we were happy smiling on holiday carefree

i just look at it and think little did we know our year in front of us

im so devastated it’s unreal

like you Paul wouldn’t want me in this state he would say

’ have you looked in the mirror’

but I cannot help how I feel I’ve lost the love of my life who knew me inside out and backside first like everyone on here and it bloody hurts

Moving on ……. Clinging on for me more than often loosing grip!

Take care 

xx

PS should read have not gave!

xx

Hello Jayne 64 

We're still here! At least I am!

Not moved on at all in fact. Sometimes think I never will? The loss and the pain is always with me.

The nights are the worse, and just want to go to sleep and forget. Unfortunately I am awake and worried about things.

Today got 2 letters addressed to Barry, demanding money. All the bills are in my name, since June of this year. Complicated in France I can tell you! So much to verify. If we get it wrong they are quick to tell us. The opposite is just awful and no apology either. Trying to be brave but all that is frustrating to say the least.

I hope you are ok. I do understand. Keep writing.

Big hug

Hi jayne

paul organised a puppy for us to ( did Paul know he wouldn’t be here??)

well I’m top of the list for the said puppy when we she arrives ….. no clue when that’ll be but I’m not getting a puppy I want that puppy!

xx

Yes I also still feel the same even though it is coming up to 4 yrs since James died. Most days I get by but some days I fall apart again. Life's hard