What Were They Really Thinking and Feeling?

Hi Chelseabluegirl

yes our experiences are so so similiar

i too lost it

paul had immunotherapy didn’t work

offered chemotherapy had one dose was extremely ill within days

when the consultant said no more I lost it

came out off consulting room and was behind Paul’s hospital wheelchair and collapsed 

paul too thought of me 

nobody will ever ever think of me or love me like paul did

All of us on here had unconditional love and carnt accept we’ll never see our loved ones again

unbearable 

my birthday Monday we made birthdays special

just want to hide

Lol xx

I lost my husband in April after a 12 month fight with pancreatic cancer. He was 60. I am finding it very hard without him. In fact I cry several times every day but it enables me to to get through each day. I’m struggling with things I wish I’d done and said or not said so I’m glad to read that others are feeling the same. My husband went in for surgery in Dec 21 but they found it had spread to his peritoneum & therefore it was now terminal. He was adamant he didn’t want to know how long he had left & so we never talked about it. Once the will was sorted & his bank account was changed to joint names he was happy but we never discussed things. He was so brave & strong and determined to live until the end I just don’t know how he managed to stay so positive. He never got upset in front of me and I’m sure he was protecting me but I really wished he’d been able to talk. I was convinced he’d left some instructions for me somewhere in the house with his funeral wishes but I’ve not been able to find anything. The only thing we did talk about  before he died was that I might want to sell the house as I don’t want to live here without him as it was our home for  nearly 15 years but I will think about that in the new year. Before he passed away I just couldn’t imagine life without him it was as if my mind wouldn’t let me go there.  Now I still can’t believe he’s gone and it’s been almost 6 months. He was a lovely husband & father to our 3 boys and suffered so much & he was the love of my life for 35 years. I will love & miss him for ever.

sorry to go on. It actually helps to write it down. I feel for you all on here & hope we can help each other x

Pinky,

I've found this forum to be the strongest place to get help. Friends and some family, as has been said numerous times before, just don't get it. On here, everyone does.

I've concluded by coming to the thought that as it seems many don't speak about their feelings, etc. that they simply don't want to talk about it whilst they battle this horrid situation. My wife was always a positive person so maybe that's why. I know she knew, she knew that I knew but because she didn't speak about it I didn't either. I don't know and will never. That's just how it's going to be.

Best wishes.

Take care,

WDJ

Reading through the threads it seems alot of people have thoughts that just come out of nowhere. I get them as soon as sit down, I try and keep busy to keep the thoughts away but you can't keep busy 24 hours a day. Night time is the worst.

How do you deal with these thoughts? I'm 10 and half months in and the pain is still unbearable. I look for my husband everywhere, expecting him to walk through the door.

He fought so hard for 14 months, was even told he was in Remission last June (2021) Was so determined to beat it. Then we got told in the Sept 2021 as his mobility weakened dramatically and he fell down the stairs that the Leukaemia was back but in his CNS - Addenbrooks told us it was Sciatica in the August!!! 

How do you change the negative thoughts into positive ones? I keep re-living our last month, watching my husband, my soulmate deteriorate so rapidly. The news that there was no more treatment they could try and that he only had weeks was absolutely devasting. I stayed strong and positive for my husband and our 2 daughters throughout from the 5th October 2020 till 5th December 2021. Since then I've lost all my strength. He was only 49! 

Same here we both knew what was going to happen just couldn't say it out loud wish we had though so much left un said x

Hi

everyone feels the same on here ….. we are not ‘alone’ 

denial on our part plays a huge part  we are so focused on our loved one…..us left just carnt at the time comprehend life without our loved  one

our mind doesn’t won’t allow us to go there

So …… obviously when we are in this numbness state it is a total horrible shock

yes still expect to see Paul, speak to him ,ring me or walk in from work

I still think I’ll ring him or I’ll tell him this when I speak to him

in reality nothing

xx

But its 12 months for me,my children are making plans for Halloween and bonfire night and Christmas I still can't do these normal things I just can't see me being normal again,every aspect of life scares me I have every form of anxiety and I'm alone with it because you have to pretend your ok 

Hate it when you all go quiet, I'm feeling really rubbish at the moment but these conversations will have to end at some point I suppose.

No matter how many people are around, this is a lonely road. These conversations need to continue as long as we need them. Also, the pretending gets so tiring, doesn't it? I get exhausted pretending to be interested in anything.

I think that's what I'm feeling I'm exhausted from pretending I'm ok I'm not iv been running away from it for 12 months I'm shattered,but it is what it is iv got man up and get on with it,going have to sell the house,my old life is over.