Loooong day ahead

Hi Jillian, I completely understand how you feel although I am very new to this life.

my 52 year old husband died 3 weeks ago today- Sundays will never be the same. Although he had cancer his death ws very sudden and I still haven’t really got my head around that he is gone and the life we should be living has gone with him.

i have children and grandchildren too which I am so grateful for, but he was my person, my champion, my hard stop. I miss him so much that I don’t really want to live without him.

I am sharing your tears today 

Ruth xxx

I’m sorry to hear this. 

Hi Jillian, it’s been 14months since I lost my soulmate and I feel the same as you. It could have been me writing your post in every respect.  I’ve had periods of time where I’ve tried to ‘live.’ kept busy. This time last year I was decorating the house from top to bottom, hopefully with the view to move back up north where family are but a year on and it’s just all too hard and too much. I’ve mostly given up on the keep busy and time heals thing. If it does it’s no time soon, for me any way. Family have got back to living their own lives and I think expect me to be alright by now. The isolation of being in a city with no family or close friends doesn’t help. Maybe I’m just having a really bad day too but they seem all too frequent now  especially at the weekends in the sunshine and when everyone is either on holiday or talking about imminent ones. Sorry for being so glum everyone. 

Hi Elfy

Absolutely no need to apologise. It must be really hard being away from your family. Having said that I am right in the heart of mine and still feel so alone a lot of the time. Don’t get me wrong they all say I can go whenever I need/want to but it doesn’t really help. I know I am lucky as I have five grandchildren (3 and under) who keep me going but the minute they go home my heart plummets again. No one really gets the devastation or  that we are all just putting on a front when we’re with them. 
I hope at some point you will find it possible to move back to your roots - even if it only helps a little bit. 
Anytime you need someone to talk to  feel free to message 

Sadly I get what you mean. It's so tough and the sunny days make it worse I feel. It's good you've children and grandchildren but they will never fill the hole . 

Time doesn't heal, it's just something people say. 

Hi Jillian.  Sundays are not good for me either as that was the last day I spoke to Nic while he was conscious.  He died the next day.  Time doesn't heal and whoever thought that was a reality is a complete idiot who obviously hasn't gone through this.  I'm now 16 months through this horrible journey.  I get up each day, walk my dog and do things, but all is meaningless.  I do things to pass time before I can sleep again and have some rest from it all.

I'm waiting for a day when I can feel better.  

Take care all.  

14/15 months in and that’s the overriding feeling……. One of waiting, waiting for someone or something to make it better and then the fear when you realise that, that can’t happen. I get through the day longing for it to be over so I can sleep and escape for awhile, then morning….waking up and wishing I hadn’t! 

Dear Jillian,

i am 40 years old and was diagnosed with lung cancer a year ago. I have a husband and a 2 year old daughter. My life just ended the day I received my diagnosis… non of it seemed real, or possible… I had surgery and preventive chimo snd radiotherapy but a year later a metastasis appeared on the brain. Non operable. 
Again my life was shredded, I didn’t even realize how deep the fear can cut through you. I was still dealing with the first diagnosis and now I had to deal with this new one. 
I’m sorry to barge in like this on your post but I wanted to let you know that my biggest fear is leaving my daughter. Even though I know that my husband is the greatest father, dying and leaving this sweet girl without a mother is truly all I can think about. Seeing our children grow is a privilege that we don’t talk about enough. You had that privilege Jillian, you still do. You will never be alone. All this to say that I think many (if not all) people dealing with cancer are more afraid of what they’re leaving than the actual leaving. I know I do.

And know that you’re right. None of this is fair. We shouldn’t be talking about cancer or death. We should be enjoying life!!

Take care of yourself. Don’t allow Dave’s disease to kill your spirit too. 
Hang in there. 

Thank you for sharing this, I can only imagine the pain you must be dealing with, the grief of what you may miss.

thank you for reminding me what I have got. My husband died 3 weeks ago, his funeral is tomorrow. He was only 52 and our life was at a point where we had our ‘empty nest’ to enjoy.

But life is unfair and now I have a different path to negotiate. I am broken, but I have my children and your post is a great reminder to focus on this.

I wish you all the best along your path. My husband had brain mets too but lived with hope till the end. I hope you can too xxxx

Hi. 
I can’t imagine the horror that you are going through and I hope that you have some time to make memories that your daughter will treasure forever 

Thank you for sharing your story and giving the perspective from the other side  

It’s Daves birthday soon and I have booked a fancy spa day with his niece (who is also one of my oldest friends and introduced me to Dave). My original plan was to go for a solo walk in the hills but I’m going to try to celebrate his birthday rather than get down that he is not here. I know Dave wouldn’t want me to be sad. After the spa we’ll have some good food and a glass of wine just as Dave would be doing if he were here with us.  
Xxxx