Some days are so lonely

You are so right, it is all those little things that you miss, the shared moments and the quirky comments that always make you smile.  It is just six months since my husband passed away,  he was ill with a progressive disease for many years but eventually succumbed to cancer.  I still have such mixed emotions ….
I had such a long time of looking after him, worrying over him, making sure he made all of his medical appointments and had all of his medication correctly.  I am no longer a young woman and was finding it harder and harder to cope with, the stress and weariness of it all was taking its toll on me.  I know that it sounds selfish (he couldn’t help being ill and I was doing what had to be done) but I can’t help feeling relief that it is all over and relief that he is now at peace … mixed in with that is the profound grief that he is no longer here with me, that he won’t be coming home!  He had such a big personality that filled the house, now the house just has me in it and I miss him so much.

I don’t know how life will pan out but I think we will all find a way of moving forward without our loved one, I am sure that they would want that for us.

Hi Del, i have read your posting on here and can sympathize with you. I know exactly where you are coming from. I have also read the response to you by Emanjay and i couldn't have put it any better myself. She has put it exactly right. Please keep communicating on here and i am sure you will get our support. We on here have all been there and we understand, that's the main thing, understanding and being on here to help and support and most of all to listen and offer a shoulder to lean on. God Bless.  Terry 

Emanjay, I have read your letter and while i sympathize with you i feel it is a wonderful response from you. It is 7 years since i lost my wife Jean in similar circumstances and the feeling of relief i had was so similar. It's not selfish at all and is understandable. You sound so understanding and i hope and pray you can move forward in time as you are so right, that's what our loved ones will want for us.  God Bless.  Terry.

Hi Emanjay, thanks for your response. So sorry to hear your story and how you cared for your husband. We've all been on a tough journey which takes its toll mentally and physically. It's good you have some positivity in moving forward because that's what our loved ones would want. My wife wrote me a note which I found after she had died, and in it she said she wanted me to be happy. So we have to try and move on but it is so, so hard at times.

It's a new chapter in our lives and we have to make new plans, friends, interests, etc., however difficult it is to move on.

Stay strong.

Del

Hello Del

like you I miss so many activities, that I shared with my Linda, Holidays, walks along the sea wall, lunches out, deciding on this that or the other, anything and everything really, we discussed everything together, we were a great team. Even after 9 months I try to kid myself this isn’t real, although it’s getting harder to think this as time goes by. I sometimes hear a door creak upstairs, or some other noise, reminds me of the noises I took for granted, when she was in a different part of  the house to me. I so long to hear her voice, to call out to me, about anything at all.been having lots of strange dreams recently, hear people talking in the bedroom or similar stuff that’s hard to explain. One of the most upsetting dreams I have, is where I am about to cuddle Linda or go with her somewhere, then, just like in a movie, she vanishes and I realise I can’t do that as she’s not here anymore, sometimes wake up tears in my eyes and very sad, feel like crying now just relating this.

I have been offered counselling at my local hospice, but just can’t see how it can help me, do you think I should give it a try ?

keep safe and well

Hi, l know what you mean, life just does not exist without our loved ones. Yes some days we go through the motions, another day it hits you like a ton of bricks. At the moment l feel like l am covered by an avalanche and only my hand is sticking out. Bit it is only sticking out for one persons hand and Pete cannot reach it. Since Pete died in October 2021 we have missed together our birthdays, anniversary, that was terrible we would have been married for 48years, together since we were 16.

It is almost as if not only have we lost our hearts because they are broken, but there is this feeling of blankness, emptiness, numbness.

But we do understand what you are saying

Hi Terry, thanks for your response. I will keep communicating and letting everyone know how I am feeling and dealing with things. Spring is here and summer is coming, so I will have plenty to do in the garden. Also got an extension project on the go, early days though, but it was what we both planned to do when I retired, so I am going ahead with that as I am sure Lin would have wanted that. But it is so hard to get motivated at times. I am here for anyone who wants to share how they are feeling, I've always been a good listener. Stay strong.

Derek

Hello ArthurD. Thanks for your response, it's so good to know we have shared feelings after the loss of our loved ones. It is the daily things I miss most, having a laugh and a joke, making her a drink, going for a walk, eating lunch on the patio. I'm in bits now writing this, I would give anything to be able to hold her again. Lin's ashes are buried with our baby son in our local churchyard and I often go to talk to her when I go for a walk. Does anyone else do this? My bereavement counsellor says this is quite normal.

My counsellor is a wonderful person and has helped me understand that the feelings I am experiencing are quite normal. I would say to you to give it serious consideration, but only do it if you are totally comfortable with the idea. My sessions are weekly and done over Zoom.

Look after yourself and stay strong.

Derek

I haven’t visited the cemetery where Linda’s ashes are since the funeral, I want to go July 17th when it will be One year. I am not comfortable driving at the moment, and it’s a reasonable journey to the cemetery, plus considering how I’ll feel, I wouldn’t be safe. I’ll ask my eldest son to take me in July. I keep pondering over counselling, maybe zoom, would be easier than in person, can you let me know which service you are using ?

thanks

Hi Neve, so sorry for your loss. I recognise all those feelings you mention. The emptiness usually hits me when I wake up and the day seems so dauntingly empty. My mood improves when I get up and put the radio on, usually 5 Live or local radio. Late at night, after 10pm, I listen to LBC phone-in as Lin used to like it. I can still hear her laughing at the presenter talking to some of the characters that used to phone in. That's the sort of thing I miss so much. I know those avalanche days when grief washes over you and you cry your eyes out. We were married for 42 years and had been together for nigh on 44 years. It does feel like my heart has been ripped out but I am thankful I have a wonderful son and daughter plus two lovely grandchildren. We just have to keep the faith that grief will become more tolerable as I can't see it going away anytime soon. Sometimes I play the music Lin loved as it makes me feel close to her, like she's here listening to it. Currently listening to Marc Bolan but it has upset me, especially when "Girl" came on as that was her favourite and we played it at her funeral.

Going to get dinner now. Stay strong.

Derek