Struggling a bit

Hey nicsmrs 

Just by writing in here you've achieved another thing and reached out. I am way behind you as it's just over 10 weeks since Adrian passed away and I have never dealt with something so hard in my life.  

There is no right or wrong I have found. I just have to do what feels right from doing nothing to crying to manic clearing out if stuff.

Permanently exhausted no matter how much I sleep. 

People on here though have been a godsend and it's a great place to say whatever you need to. May e a break away would be good. I do t think you have to go far just a different scene. We're even considering a night away my son and his girlfriend and I and quite locally but just to get away from the daily routine. 

Here for you anytime x

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel too, as other people on here have said. I thought I was coping quite well, had got on with having decorating done and sorting out the garden. I started volunteering at the local school helping with reading and  started an exercise class.

However, in the last few days I have felt really flat and slightly disinterested in everything. I am hoping to feel a bit better in the next few days as I'm going on a short holiday with eldest daughter and family.

I wonder if after having to deal with terminal illness and then watching someone disappear before our eyes, gives us some inner strength to do what has to be done immediately after they have passed away: the funeral, dealing with all the bills and everyone else's grief too. I feel as if I am running on empty sometimes, seems such a struggle.

Anyway, must try to be positive and maybe a short holiday would do you good too, if you can manage to get away.

I really do hope tomorrow can be a much better day for us all - small steps - as everyone says.

Take care,

Lynne xx

Hi Lynne, you are right about the inner strength feelings after seeing someone pass from a terminal diagnosis.  You go into coping mode to deal with the immediate things, eg funeral, probate, sorting everything out.  My solicitor told me today that all is now finished with probate so I have closure there. The problem is how to deal with all that comes afterwards.

After 15 months I still have nothing in the tank to deal with things.  I feel like I'm in a parallel universe, doing lots of things that those looking in think are great and worthwhile.  However, all those things feel pointless and superficial to me.  I'm just plodding through each day.  Yes, I'm doing things and spending time with friends and family but not feeling any connection with how I think I want life to be.

Honestly, at the moment, I just want to stay in bed all day and do nothing.  Feeling very flat and low. Thank goodness I have a lovely dog to keep me getting up and out every day.

Apologies for the negativity and hopefully my spirits will lift a bit soon.  The longer this goes on, the harder is seems to get.

Kind thoughts to you all.

Hello

please don’t apologise for the ‘negativity’, I see it as you being Honest, not Negative i know exactly how you feel, I feel ‘inert’ ‘empty’ I don’t do much at all, but I fully intend, doing something, swimming is on my agenda, just got to have the strength to actually go. I know how you feel about bed, I don’t feel tired at night, usually around 7 pm I’m tired, but then ‘ wake up’ I usually go to bed at 2am and struggle to get up  at 130-2pm I really struggle to get up and face another empty pointless day, very sad, but that’s how I am. Oddly enough, as I’m trying to get to sleep, I have several positive thoughts about the next day, I tell myself I’m actually going out for a walk, or go swimming etc. but come the morning, all the enthusiasm has gone again. Well as I keep saying to myself “ I’m still here, doing my best”, surviving but not living.

take care of you x

Hi Lynne, I think you are right about the inner strength, which I feel is something that we develop whilst caring for our loved ones and watching them slowly ebb away. I think I would have walked over hot coals to do anything to help my Lin in her final weeks and months. I can't believe it is nearly 6 months since she slipped away. Initially I thought I was coping well, sorting the funeral, finances, etc., but now I wake in the morning with a sort of knot in my stomach, a feeling of anxiety about what to do today. I still can't believe I won't see her again, we had been married for 42 wonderful years. I have very supportive family and two wonderful grandchildren who I see quite often, but nothing can replace Lin in my life. It's the not having anyone close to plan with and go out with, or go on holiday with. I'm sure this is just a phase of the grieving process and I must let it take it's course as hopefully I will adjust and be able to move forward with my life. Though it just seems really tough at times for now.

As you say, we can only hope that tomorrow is better than today. It's a new journey now but it's reassuring to know that we are not alone in how we feel. I hope you and all others on here feel better tomorrow.

Stay strong.

Derek

Hello Derek

i had the same belief,  was really proud of myself, managing Lindas funeral, all the legal and financial aspects, really thought I was coping. But once the funeral was over, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s only in the past few months I believe once again, I will manage, eventually, still have many days tearful all day, still struggle with almost everything, particularly getting out of bed, usually 1-2pm but I want to do better, which is my driving force.

I read this on a bereavement website about despair

”When you’re agonizing under the weight of despair, simple tasks feel daunting; getting out of bed, showering, or leaving the house requires herculean effort. To live with despair means to wake up every morning with a heaviness pressing down on your chest and a feeling of exhaustion no matter how many hours you’ve slept.”

which is exactly how I feel

take care of you 

Great words Arthur x 

I'm.only.12 weeks into this nightmare journey but that quote helped me.understand the hug exhaustion I can't shake.

Hi, it's ages since I checked in here, but I 've just been catching up a bit. It's over 4 years since my husband died and just over a year since I lost my mum. 

I too am getting fed up with people asking if I'm going on holiday! I did once about 18 months after my husband died, but I had a dog then and I took him with me. Since then, my dog died too and I'm not sure I want to away totally on my own. On the other hand, I don't want to go with friends! I suppose what I really want us my husband back, to go with him!

At present, I'm not in a position to get another dog, so feel a bit stuck on the holiday issue, but I don't know why it's bothering me so much. We only ever went for one short break in the UK anyway! 

Strange, the things that bother us.

Hello, when my Linda passed 10 months ago, I knew that my life would never be the same, never be as happy and content. At first is was just existing, but lately it’s a mix of existing and living. I have been encouraged by others to do more than sit in front of the TV. It was a great struggle, just to go swimming last week, hope to go tomorrow. But I feel that my outlook has improved, I can actually listen to music now, first time since July, so I am healing, but will never be healed.

It’s a pity that some people feel they know what’s best for you, I am sure it’s with the best intentions, but it can make you weary. I was told a lot, how well I am doing, and that I’m doing better than I realise, and things will improve. None of that helped at all, I knew I wasn’t managing, but they didn’t often see me as I really was, I actually visited my Daughter today and saw my 2 grandchildren and played Spin UNO, it was amazing, plus been invited Tom,y other daughter on the 1st June. The mistake I was making, was concentrating on what I was missing, what I couldn’t have, who I couldn’t get to see, instead of concentrating on the communication I was having, and knowing that my family do care about me, it’s just their lifestyles are so busy, I got put in the back burner, so to speak. Once I accepted how self destructive those thoughts were, I felt more at ease with myself. I just hope this isn’t a temporary improvement, and that I am healing.

we mustn’t let others ‘bully’ us into what is right, or what we should do. They don’t know what’s best for us, only we do.

I would love to go on holiday, can’t go on my own, my kids are mostly busy with their lives, my youngest Son, has severe social anxiety and doesn’t work, so he’s available, but because of how he is, he couldn’t manage it either.

for now I’ll settle for family visits. What makes it worse is the risk of Covid, scares the life out of me, or I might consider going to the cinema.

take care of you

Hi to everyone,

I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks mainly because I've been away for a few days with eldest daughter and her family. It was lovely to get away and the weather was beautiful, but on the day I went I was in floods of tears just thinking I shouldn't be leaving the house and also feeling guilty about going away. I went away with family last October for a short weekend and it didn't affect me like that. My husband died last August and it seems sometimes to get harder because its the permanency of the never going to go on holiday with him, never having days/ meals out or just having him to talk to. It just wears me out a lot of the time. I am, as other people on here have said, trying to be positive and go out, do the garden etc etc, but it just feels so hard sometimes.

I am hoping this lack of enthusiasm and low energy will pass....I have a great family and friends and am so grateful for that, just don't want to be the person I am at the moment.

Right, now I've depressed everyone, I will sign off. It will get better, we will enjoy life again (without feeling lost and guilty) - just takes time. 

Lots of love to everyone in this situation, 

L xx