Returning to the most painful of places

Hi Steve

I am sorry about how you are feeling, my hubby had the same cancer as your wife,he suffered greatly.

Its still quiet early days for you,i am two and half years down the line.

I miss him every day, i do not cry as much, though i still do,i have flash backs,of when he was in the hospice.

I do not think you ever really get over it or except it,you just learn to live with it,  and go  from one day to another.

I to have adult children, i think it effects them in a different way, it was their dad, there hero, go to, fix man.

He 

was the other of me, i was lost, cut in half, and did not know who i was, we also had been together for a long time. 

I hate making decisions on my own we always  did it together. i did have counselling and i found it a great help,.  i opened up to the counsellor, as i did not tell my children every thing, trying to protect  them i suppose.

I fill better for it, like a burden has been lifted, for me i did the right thing.

Its true only people that have or going threw the grieve process truly understand what one is going threw and how they fill and all the different emotions that come with it.

Ellie x

Hi Ellie,

Thanks for your response, and I'm sorry for your loss. Probably like most people I have suffered bereavement but this is so different. I am lost and I'm not sure what direction to go in.  I don't want to be the guy who is always talking about his dead wife but equally I seem to be surrounded by colleagues who don't understand how I'm feeling and don't even ask.

I cry alot but it tends to be on my own and sometimes completely unexpectedly. I watch these images from Ukraine and I feel a sense of guilt because people are suffering so much but I can't escape my personal grief.

So hard to put it into words but I imagine the members of this group will understand some of my darkness.

Steve.

Hi Steve

I found i was putting on a mask when my children turned up or relatives called, it was all a front.

Though one day  my daughter came unexpected , and i was here on my own crying and she caught me, i had not cried in front of them was trying to protect them as i was mum. That is why i went for counselling.

I now find i think of Tom, in a different way, we had good times and the good memories are appearing, and i smile and have a little giggle of the things we got up to, and what a clown he was.

I can now play our songs and instead of crying i sing a long, mind you if some one was hear, they might think a cat was performing.

It took well over a year after he went for me to start thinking of counselling,

I still cry some times when i go to say something about him, i talk to him every morning and tell him what sort of day i have had, good or bad, this was our home and always will be.

It is one day at a time, you will get there, and if you need help ask for it, 

Your children might think you are doing well, my youngest son never mentioned his dad, for 18months he blocked it out, now he talks about him when we are on the phone.

Use this group, it really helped me because i then knew i was not going mad at times others understood.

Take Care Ellie x 

Unfortunately most here will understand how you feel, probably not feeling the same as the guilt / sadness / anger / tears come in differing strengths at different times.  Like a ship without a rudder i understand, Gill was the one with the grand plans, my job to make it happen, like cogs we were opposites that meshed together well.  So I am left without purpose, I take each day as it comes I don't really plan, maybe direction will come in time.

Sorry but not talking about your dead wife is leading to bottling up, and anyone with any sense will know that, bottling things up usually leads to a big upset  that is far worse than the little upsets along the way.  The reason that your colleagues don't ask is because they are scared of upsetting you - they will be able to see the upset written across your face or the red tired eyes.  Talking about our missing loved ones is natural, it gives others permission to do the same, do it - often, it's good for you and them.

The things happening in Ukraine would melt the hardest of hearts, that they are suffering and have lost loved ones doesn't mean that we are not suffering in our own grief, it does mean that we might have a better understanding of how they feel, of how desperate they are.  If that's the case why not do something to help, I know that I can't speak Ukrainian nor could I afford to take weeks of work to help physically, but a donation however small must help in someway - that's my logic and it gives me comfort, I know it's what Gill would have done.

Andy, what you say makes perfect sense, I'm just lost without Lorraine. It's Saturday morning and I just can't face the day. Rudderless is such a good description, I'm going to force myself to get up and hopefully find some purpose for the day ahead.

Steve

Hi Steve, deeply sorry for your loss and having my darling Sharon 5 months ago after just 15 months of marriage (we met late in life) and almost 6 years of the most wonderfully loving & happiest years of my entire life. Fortunately I had retired in October 2020 and we had all the plans to cruise far off lands together, sadly we never managed another holiday.

I still get very emotional and can do so at any time, a couple of weeks ago it was in Sainsburys when I realised I now had only myself to shop for. We did almost everything together and with Aron by my side I always felt 10 feet tall.

I cannot imagine having to go to work, however you may have seen the beautiful verse from Diamondsgirl on another chat, this describes brilliantly the feelings many of us suffer for very long periods. Perhaps you could take this verse and change the word him for her, as I am doing send it to your HR, friends and family with a simple message “this is how my daily life feels. I t may sound ridiculous but I find it’s says the right things far better than I could say. Your true friends and family may well thank you for it (I know it helped my supporters very much) and I hope your HR would take it on board and perhaps try to help you in some way. If nothing else it will do no one any harm.

My one other piece of advice is aligned with Ellie, that is counselling, I am fortunate to have an excellent psychologist who I see weekly, he has certainly helped me greatly, in learning how to pull life back to some level of reality, and how to work on thinking more of yourself and as he says “you must learn to be kind to yourself” and to understand the difference between then and now. One thing I now do when my emotions start is to sit down in a quiet place, clear your head completely and then focus on what your Lorraine would want you to do and to feel. The most important thing you must do is be completely open with family and friends, be assured they will understand, and it will help them in knowing how best to support you and your emotions. I have no problem in crying in front of any family or friends and they completely understand why. Contact your local Hospice as they should be able to offer lots of helpful support around your feelings and thoughts, and I would do so asap.

Wishing you all the best Steve, and keep fighting on and take each day as it comes.

Kind Regards,

Paul

Hi Steve

I totally understand where you are coming from, before covid l would go to Pete's chemotherapy with him sit and keep him company; as many family members did/do. Then came covid so instead l sat in my car just outside the cancer unit for 3-4 hours while he had his chemo. I wanted to be near him even if l could not go in with him, just in case he needed me:( Pete died in October 2021 and l have not been to that hospital since Pete died. Then l had to go to the same hospital for myself and that brought on the tears and the loneliness of being there without him by my side.

I too have grown up children, and l don't know if it is because they are men, but only one son occasionally is tearful, but is that because l am upset or the way he is feeling.

What a brilliant idea! l am sure that your HR would totaly understand, and probably allow you time out if you get too upset. Maybe go have a cup of tea/coffee go outside take a breah.

Fantastic idea Paul x

Hi Paul,

Thanks for the response, I will look for the words from diamondsgirl, I haven't gone down the counselling route but i might see what is out there. It is strange how shopping is another activity that always makes me feel alone, it was something we would always do together, and probably combine it with a cup of tea and a sandwich, now I wander around shopping for one.

I return the thoughts and I hope you are doing as well as you can.

Steve

Hi Neve,

I'm sorry for your loss, Lorraine was diagnosed in September 2021,she had 8 courses of chemotherapy which were all in lockdown,so I would drive her to the hospital and have to wait for her to come out,she suffered with horrible side effects and ultimately the treatment was to no avail.

Thanks for all the responses which I will take on board.

Steve.