5 weeks

Hi Millie

Im so sorry to read about your husband and your own cancer. Are you still going through treatment.

Its so early for you, your head will still be all over the place. I think many of us have felt the same about going to bed not caring if we wake up, I have said the same myself several times( my husband died nearly 6 months ago). But Im still here still just muddling through in the only way I know how.

Grief is overwhelming, its physically mentally and emotionally demanding and painful. It does feel like youre out of control because its so alien. 

Do you have people around you to talk to, whether family or friends? Please do come here to chat, we all get it here and its a safe place where noone judges you. 

One large hug coming your way

I feel for you Millie 12 .Similar to  My Husband . His lungs were in a bad way , but I think the damage had been done . and the Doctors had given up on him. We went to see a  respiratory specialist In March last year as I was trying to get him oxygen for home use. But they said the readings weren't quite bad enough . Although his breathing was slightly better when he finally got the appointment. I knew his Heart was becoming weaker and I'm sure the oxygen would have made a difference. I've a feeling he might have refused it. He had been so very ill for such a long time that I think he'd had enough. He suffered  from Heart fibrillation , Which The Doctors didn't seem to be interested in doing anything more than giving him medication. The last consultant who saw him a few weeks after oxygen was refused listened to his chest . In his notes he put that he couldn't even hear his heartbeat for the rattling of his lungs . But sent us on our way saying he would see him in 5 months time. I think The Consultant knew then that My Husband would likely not be here much longer . He had a silent heart attack  a few weeks later . He was admitted to hospital and died . The cause has been put as Pulmonary , But I think it was a combination of everything. We were close to moving house . I don't think the stress of that and other things going on helped either . Even though I knew he was very ill , I wasn't expecting him to die . I really hope you have had someone close , a friend or family to support you through your treatment and also now to help you. This Grief is Horrendous , made worse by the Traumatic way they died . And on top of that you have your own health problems. Yes , most of us are having similar thought sto you. This is a Living nightmare . And it is so hard to accept they have left us. Are you having counselling yet ? If not you need to get your name down. Hopefully you have had some advice on that from the Doctors /Hospital. I got nothing from the Hospital...not even a proper explanation. Just The young Doctor who rang me introducing himself right after my Hubby passed . I was in shock and didn't really register or acknowledge  him . You need to ask your Doctor for some support. 

Hi Thank you for your reply . I do have friends and my husbands family have been helpful. I have 1 sister whom I’m not close to and she just sent a text to ring her if I need anything.  I haven’t rung because what I need is my husband and that’s something no one can help with. You are 6 months in on this awful journey .  I think friends etc do find it hard that I’m so tearful all the time. I’m known as the practical and very tough one but both have alluded me. It’s scared me how out of control my emotions are.  Have you been able to function better in your 6 months ? Are you able to live with these any easier.  Many thanks 

Hi Breton so sorry to hear of your experience .  As you say grief is horrendous . I’m sorry your husband was in hospital when he died. My husband was at home because they said he was fine just exhaustion from the radiotherapy but it wasn’t that it was his heart shutting down.  It was pretty horrific when he died I had to give CPR but as I realise now would have made no difference. But that imagine is there Everytime I close my eyes. I do have a certain amount of backup but in the end they’re not what you want are they. I’m grateful to them all but the pain is so intense. I’m so sorry for your situation I can’t know exactly what you are feeling but I know how I feel and I wouldn’t wish it on my enemies. Thank you 

Hi Millie

My husband was begging to die at the end, he was in such pain, pulled out the syringe driver. I cant unhear or unsee that, even after 6 months. Although its no longer the first thing i think of when I walk into the living room where he had his bed.  He died at home as that was what he wanted. 

Friends and family do find it hard to see us upset a lot and thats why I think we end up pretending we're fine. Its another one of our coping strategies. Well for me anyway.

Am I functioning better? I wish I were but to be honest, not really. I do have days when I dont have complete melt downs, so perhaps that is progress. Ive had a very teary week as I aporoach the 6 months, and wonder where the time has gone. Im waiting for counselling which Im hoping will help me to talk more. Ive done most of the things people suggest, go out, meet new people, go back to work but Ive found it overwhelming. Im quite reserved and shy, basically we did everything together. From what others going through this have told me, if you already have lots of local friends, and did activities on your own, those things carry on and help you get through day by day, week by week. For me, the only thing I did without him was choir and work. Work has been very difficult so its not really helping. I stil do choir. Anything else I do is new and at times I just cant. 

Sorry that turned out to be a long ramble. I suppose in a nutshell, if there is something you used to do that is familiar you can hold on to, then try to as that can help. X

Hi malengwa

Your story is a little like mine. We are retired and we spent 24 hours a day with each other including our hobbies. The only time I was on my own if I popped out for some shopping.  So I sit indoors all day not being able to enjoy those hobbies yet. Plenty of visitors but  I have not put on a brave face I just don’t have the energy at the moment and if they find it uncomfortable I don’t see them again . I think you having to go to work must take all your strengths as the work place carries on as normal and your normal has gone. My heart goes out to you .  I had no idea how extreme grief is.  I think I have been blind to others in the past .  I had no idea how this ripped you apart . And not one thing in your life is the same and it happens overnight with no warning. Good luck to you 

I kept my Husband at home for as long as I could. It's what he wanted. But Now I have the guilt that perhaps he could have still been here with me now if I had got him into Hospital sooner .But My family tell me I shouldn't feel / think that way. My son's say "How much longer though? His body was giving up. He had suffered for so long with various other health problems. His quality of life was very poor. We didn't really have hobbies in common. I tried to get him interested in Painting again.But he soon gave up. We used to walk miles ,but he wasn't able to walk far in the last few years. So I didn't go out without him except to eLm the dogs and go shopping. We missed out on a lot ,but I didn't care so long as he was here with me. I think many of us widows/ widowers are shocked at just how our loss hits us. Denial,Anger, deep sorrow. And the Guilt that we could have should have done this that and the other. Or said this or that. It is totally Overwhelming. I go to Yoga classes . It's something that can be done without having to actually interact with others. I find it difficult when we do the wind down and meditation at the end. The lights are turned off bar 1 or 2 . I cannot close my eyes because all I think of is my dear husband alone looking up at the ceiling in hospital knowing he was slowly dying. This is a Traumatic time for us all in different ways. I hope you find something you can do for yourself to take the focus if the thoughts that will be filling your head. Grief can be all consuming. We need a little respite . We were also retired. But had to give up work a lot earlier when my Husbands ill health worsened. So if course my role as carer has stopped and I am at a loss of what to do with myself. Just take it one day at a time . Don't think you should be feeling differently as time passes. We will all heal a little as time goes by. So glad you have good support. But you will find that only those who have lost someone so significant can truly understand just how we are feeling. 

Yes millie, this grief is extreme. Its different from other grief, not that Im diminishing that. I remember falling apart when my mum died, 8 years ago now, and we were very close, but this is in another league. The one person who supported me after mum died is the one person who isnt here to support. 

Your energy levels will be low, try to eat if you can, I lived on biscuits and chocolate for a while, and rest when you need to, it doesnt matter when you need a nap.

You will in time return to one of your hobbies. I like my garden but its such a tip after being neglected when Tony was poorly, and I havent yet really felt up to tackling much out there.

I just couldn't face eating after my loss. I lost 16 kilos  . And looked absolutely haggard. After about 6 months I began to eat a little more ,like you biscuits ,a lot of chocolate . A bag of crisps. And a bit of fruit. My face and body have filled out a bit. I had skin hanging off my body . My face was creased . I hated looking at my reflection. I aged about 20 years. I still hate seeing my reflection.Nit that I ever was happy with it  I think that's what made me start to eat a bit more. Eating too much chocolate now though ,so I need to be careful. And eat healthier. I have done very little this last 2-3 months. Avoiding going through the boxes. The house is cluttered and I need to try get rid of some things as there is very little storage. It is a struggle to get motivated. I wish there was more support for us all. 

Wow my mother who I cared for died 3 years ago and yes the grief was less because my husband was here to pick me up and hug me and tell me it’s okay I’ll look after you.  And as you say your biggest loss there is no one to do that now. And it’s hard.  Yep that’s me chocolates and biscuits .  It’s obviously widows food.  I realise talking to you and Breton that what I’m thinking feeling and doing or not doing is normal.  But like you both I bloody hate this new normal .  But I think maybe I need to rest more than I realise .  There is no quick fix no right way .  I realise now that losing a very adored spouse is so much more pain than I could have have imagined.  I wish you well and thank you for your reply’s because it’s made me understand myself a bit better .