Just over 6 months now since Lorraine my wife of 38 years died aged 61 from Oesphageal cancer. She died at home and I was holding her hand.The treatment and her suffering haunt me. I seem to have gone from sadness to depression. I've had to return to work which sometimes takes me to London Bridge where Lorraine had her treatment at the Cancer Centre at Guys hospital. Due to covid I wasn't allowed to attend with her so I would wave through the large glass window as she went through the reception looking back at me for reassurance. I find my self going back to that window and reliving that sadness.
I remember the pain and sadness so clearly that strangely it makes me feel close to her but I will then feel so depressed for the rest of the day. I can't talk about it, colleagues seem to assume I've moved on which is ridiculous, I'm not sure I ever will. Life just feels so empty and pointless. I do have adult children but they seem to be dealing with it so much better than me that I don't feel I can tell them how I truly feel.
