How can l carry on without him?

Oh Ghaz, I lost my husband but sister and brother both lost sons.

My brother, in Australia really struggled, it’s taken nearly 20 years to get to point when he can remember just the good things. My sister lost her son 7 years ago, it’s taken that long for her  to be able to try to have some kind of life but she still struggles. They’ve both had counselling. My brother was on sleeping pills and antidepressants for 2 years, my sister is still on them, at a lesser dose. 

She now thinks her purpose, is to save me and she has, both of them have been there for me, as they both understand.

People just don’t think, sending you the biggest hug and much love……Linda x

Hi,

I totally understand where you are coming from, as do many of us on here. I have no real answers for you my pain is as painful today as it was when Pete passed. To be honest l don't know how l have got to where l am now, Pete died on a Sunday 17th October 2021, my dad also died on a Sunday. I hate Sundays:( l know what you mean when you say about talking to your husband. There is so much that l want to still say to Pete and we were together for nearly 49 years, still not long enough. The times when you hear something or see something and l think Pete would like to watch that, or Pete would have found that interesting. I do talk to Pete in my head, l truly believe that he can hear me xx. Some people say it will get easier, but l personally at the moment l cannot see it. I only say this because l am being honest on how l am feeling. My son came up this morning and once again l got upset started to cry, because myself and Pete would have been in the garden down our boat and that is never going to happen again.

But the people on this site are understanding wise, we all have our own stories and experience's.

We do understand what you are feeling, we can all tell our stories, but l think and to be honest l don't know how l am still here xx, but everyone is different our stories, experience's .

But we have all lost a loved one that we loved very dearly, that is something that we all have in common xx.

xoxoxo

Thank you Linda

I'm trying x

Hi it's now over 4 years since Tom died and I'm still struggling like most of us.   I didn't have any children, and I'm afraid don't have much connection with my stepchildren, as there was. Issues they had with their father.  We were together for over 30 years but........ even now I would dearly love to join him, I have friends but not the same, all I can say is like others just take each day as it comes, only recently have I felt able to safely sort out my "Will and LPA"  before it would have seemed to easy to join him if all my affairs were in order, but now I do a lot felt  strong enough to get it done.  Like everyone we all grieve and  get through this minefield at our own pace, even now I still wonder if I've actually "grieved" in any sense of the  word, we had does it actually mean,  I don't cry  except for the funeral, but feeling lost  and  without a port in the storm to rest in definitely even now.  Outside I am what people describe as normal and getting on with my life,, although Covid hasn't helped, but once I close my door it's  a completely different story.  

Hi Brenda

I have no words of wisdom for you as I am.only 8 weeks into this journey/ nightmare but I am desperately trying to draw strength from our 35 years together despite only being 52. I'm trying to think what he would have wanted. He told me to live my life. He loved me for which I am so thankful and I pray his determination and strength in his fight will see me through. He was diagnosed with extensive secondary cancer(never found the primary) and passed away 11 weeks later. I've not really processed any of it but trying so hard to keep going. I know noone who has lost a husband or spouse - probably as we're so young. I'm grateful for this site and everyone on it but wish you weren't as then you wouldn't be in my situation xx

Hello

i often say “But I’m still here”, to myself to Linda, sometimes to others. I’m not sure if I’m congratulating myself or just surprised, I feel so much pain inside, for the past few weeks I have been close to tears all day. I’m trying to concentrate on things that will distract me, started on the car service, something I looked for any excuse not to do ‘today’, but changed the air filter yesterday, actually only took two minutes, and today I changed the oil & filter today, I was actually ok for a while, and hour or so, a I was distracted and had to concentrate on what I was doing, once the 16mm socket arrives I will do the spark plugs. But then that’s it for the car, I want, actually want, to decorate the landing, waiting for the stair platform from my eldest son, if I get that next week, can busy myself with that project, takes me a long while to decorate, far too fussy, although I have been trying to be less so, Linda often tried to get me to be more tolerant of my decorating, but never found it easy. Trouble is, once the few jobs are done, what do I do then ? I just don’t know, I do know what I’d like to do with my time, but sadly Linda is no longer here

I’m  not sure it ever does get easier, maybe we just learn to adapt to our new reality.

keep safe and well

I totally get what you are saying. I have had a really bad week, doing things in our home because l am selling, as l do not want to live here without Pete x. I started to try and mow the lawn, l have never been any good at starting it Pete always started it for me. So l had ago, 3 attempts got a little done, then sat and cried because l could not start it, l only ever had to ask him and he was there. How can someone be there one minute and gone the next, l will never understand it for as long as l live.

Again it is such early days for me but thank goodness for this forum. I don't feel.like I'm going mad! I totally get the how can they be here one day and gone the next. Even with my husband's diagnosis he was determined and independent up until the last two days. I had covid and couldn't see him but spoke to him via video call Mon and Tues. Wed they call to say he has been sick and is in bed resting. He woke up spoke to me a few times and to our son and girlfriend. Thurs couldn't speak and passed away just after midnight. What did he even actually die of?? What happened? What gave out? I cannot believe I will never see him again. Like you Arthur I am pleased I manage to achieve things even this early on but despite everyone trying noone really gets what losing a life partner is like. We met at 17! No adult decision made without each other and now I have sole responsibility and that's exhausting. If anyone has pearls of wisdom of how to do this please let me.know. my heart goes out to you all xx

Maybe it's best that you weren't there at the end, then again maybe not. I was, and wake up most nights angry with myself / the world reliving the way Gill finally passed away, more helpless / useless I have never felt.

The doctor came around on the Tuesday and issued a pre-emptive death certificate, Gill actually passed two days later on the Thursday, he didn't want the cause of death to be recorded as anything other than cancer (Covid was getting the blame for everything).  He explain that the mechanical cause might be a failing heart, or fluid on the lungs, or poisoning as multiple systems failed - but the real cause was cancer, and I am good with that.  Since the Harald Shipman case, there has to be two medical people sign the death certificate, the nurse who came at the end countersigned it.

My only pearl of wisdom is little steps, do one small thing after another, don't plan something big, plan lots of small things.  That way when it gets too much - and it does often, you will have accomplished something, or several things.

Hi andy131

Thanks for your reply.

I am glad I wasn't there at the very end as the images of the days before are hard enough. I did go and see him after he passed but it wasn't him then - he'd gone.

I think you're right about planning little things or lots of little things to get done. I find socialising in a group hard and for no I am avoiding that nim.fine 1:1 and need that contact. I've also decided to take more time from work. I'm a primary school teacher and it's a performance job up in front if the kids etc. Bit too much for now.

Thank you for telling me what the doctor said about what stopped working etc. I know it was the cancer but it was so quick for us. 

I hope you are finding some comfort somewhere. I truly believe Adrian is watching over us and every time I see a robin I know it's him. We never really got robins in the garden now it's been several times and even spotted near my son's work. Maybe I'm daft but it helps.

Thanks again x