You can’t buy what you desire the most …

Thought I had this sorted but I'm no way over this I don't even know what to say I'm haunted by this .

Hi Jayne
I wish it was easier for us to manage, I don’t want to lose the love and memories, but the agony is so destructive. I’m 7 months in now, did improve about a month ago, but then I changed my medication, and am struggling again. Covid hasn’t helped us at all, whenever I think, maybe I’ll make the effort, to go to a local theatre or something, I get scared of catching Covid, would really struggle with that as I am now, on my own. Everything in life is now a big hurdle to overcome, be it finances or something broken etc. Now I’m getting older, even night driving is getting difficult, will have to limit car journeys to daylight hours. I know things could be much worse, but it really doesn’t help, knowing that. I hope you find some time to relax and be more at peace with life. P.M. me if you want a quiet chat
Keep safe and well

Just subconsciously I  keep thinking my situation is temporary things will go back to normal if I keep busy enough,that's not going to happen  is it, I keep myself occupied with pointless things hoping it will help but I'm just in denial aren't I.

Hello Jayne
part of me still thinks things aren’t real and only some sort of warped illusion. I think it’s because we can’t fully accept that our partner is not coming back. My mind was so clear before Linda passed, life was good, but now my mind is full of confusion, most of the time it’s impossible to concentrate on anything, just going through the motions, but I will get stronger, as I am sure you will. It’s so impossible at the moment to see any future, but those thoughts are counter productive and don’t help us one little bit. I am trying to get more involved in my Family’s life, they all have so much going on, so involving myself with their lives, gives me a distraction, which is unfair really, I do care about my Family, but distraction is what I need. 

Anything you occupy yourself with is certainly not pointless, it may not have a great value, but anything we achieve has a lot of point to it. Some days I just manage a little bit of reading, do some housework, watch a film, and manage to eat and drink, all achievements, I know it doesn’t sound much, but that’s what we have to do, slowly slowly. Hope you feel a little better very soon.
Thinking of you x
keep safe & well

Define pointless.  My Dad used to spend hours every day on his allotment, he had a huge heart attack while digging mulch, the allotment went quickly to waste as the rest of the family have brown fingers. My Gill spent countless hours in the garden, I will do my best, but with no hope of enjoyment.  I go for a drive in the evenings, 50-150 miles just for the enjoyment of the drive - totally pointless.  Don't get me started on the hours my son spends on computer games, or the brother-in-law spends on football.  One persons pointless, is another persons way of spending time in a way that isn't work.  At some point we will all settle on a new "normal" very different to our old lives, planning something new might work, me I tend to go with the flow - never had to plan, Gill had enough plans for both of us, that's probably why I feel like ship without a rudder.

So keep on with the seemingly pointless things, you are not in denial, you are passing time while your life settles down.

Thankyou for your constant support I keep thinking I'm ok now I won't message on here again but I can't help it, you have helped me so much,knowing your out there dealing with the same thing has given me a place to go when iv felt so low, so whoever you are and where ever you are I'm eternally grateful, if nothing else has made you feel better you have helped me so thankyou x

You have such simple, kind way of explaining things, that I’m sure is helping anyone who reads, so just a little thank you from me. 

My Mart, used to constantly ask me ‘what’s the plan’ my reply was usually  the same, ‘the plan, is not to have a plan’, now I’m constantly planning as many trips out as I can, usually on my own, well Mon-Fri, to distract myself from thinking, too much.

Dear Jayne, I don’t post much but I thought I’d let you know your post struck a cord. It’s 20 weeks today, and I still feel the same inside.
My daughter booked a trip to Norway to lift my spirits, we returned last Friday. It made me think a lot. 
I’ll love my Mart forever, I’ve shared 48 happy years with him and watching him endure the last few years was heartbreaking. But throughout it all, he was so emotionally strong and pragmatic, and right now,  if I sat on here on my jacksie, he’d tell me straight. I keep asking myself, what would he like if he’d been left behind, he would have grieved but I know he would have filled his time, with golf, walking, swimming and probably taking himself off to expensive restaurants, he would have lived as best he could. 
I know I want to be happy again, I want to live again, I hate being lonely but after locating to Devon, I know very few people. I’m taking myself off exploring. I’m considering looking for work, paid or voluntary, with the hope of making connections and filling the endless hours. I still want to travel, I loved Norway, there are other places I want to see. 
None of this changes how I feel about Mart, I’m also just passing time. 
If you ever want a heart to heart, I’m here, ready to listen.

Take care my lovely, be kind to yourself xx

Our partners sound very similar mark would be ok to the outside world he would carry on treat the kids to holidays etc,but I know he would be sad inside, he was so brave he hid his fear for his diagnosis so well I only saw him cry  on two occasions when he was first diagnosed  his first words were I can't go first jayne won't cope without me and I know why he said that because he loved me and was scared for me not himself, sometime later he said he watched me walk along our street with our dog alone because he wasn't well enough to come with me and it broke him knowing that was going be my life when he was gone.

Mart never cried in front of me, unless it was a sad film, usually involving children, it just wasn’t his way. When I’d try to talk to him about what was coming our way, he’d say, I won’t be here, I won’t know, he said I’d be alright. I think he dealt with all of it by not accepting what was happening, he believed he would beat it. He was a funny, cool guy who always made me laugh, even if I was cross, I miss him and all he was, I always will.

 I struggle to deal with all the memories of him, good and bad, and so generally try to block as much as I can. 

Tomorrow, I go to visit old friends in wales, first time without him.

Take care xx