You can’t buy what you desire the most …

Mark was a brave man I would have to be sedated if I was told I was going to die,such a horrible disease marks cancer broke his ribs and shoulder blade eaten by cancer he slept downstairs most of the time they couldn't control his pain so all we had was deep heat the burning took his mind off the pain how bad is that  my experience has made me decide if I had a terminal diagnosis I won't have treatment , why drag the inevitable event out for me and my children this is my choice nothing good comes from watching someone  you love  suffer.

Hi,

Just wanting to add that for me the key to be able to revisit good (and eventually bad) memories was trying to be grateful for what I had with Juliette, embrace everything we had and consider that so many people never even had that in their lives. It won't bring her back but it allowed me to feel somehow lucky for what was even if it's gone.

Juliette was more pessimistic than I was during chemo. She's always been the pessimistic in our couple! I think she knew she wouldn't recover long before I did. She didn't like to be called brave because she was saying that she didn't have a choice. But she was.

All the first time are weird. I hope that you have a nice trip.

Take care xx

I cannot imagine how it must feel to receive such a diagnosis, it must be so hard to carry that knowledge,  whilst trying to live a life and undergo dreadful treatments and yet, they do, humans can be so strong. I don’t know if I’d have conventional treatment or not, it works for some, the idea of using cannabis and diet, seems more appealing, maybe that’s because I’m a child of the 60’s.

 I personally have no fear, I just worry about our girls, our daughter and granddaughter live with us, that’s one of the reasons why I want to move to a smaller house, so if anything happens to me, she can afford to run it. 

It’ll be, what it’ll be, I want to do the right thing, I want Mart to be happy and proud of me, we had a long happy life together, we were lucky to have that. I’m not religious but if he’s watching, I don’t want to disappoint. I’ve found I am strong, I just miss him and everything he was, and everything we shared. 

Hi Devin, I think in time I’ll be able, like you, to think about all the good things, just too hard yet. Even writing to lovely people on here, sets me off. I’m sure on some level, it’s good for me but, although I know I’m strong, I’m just not there yet. 

You are a half full person, my Mart was like that too, well apart from when he was driving, then he was Victor Meldrew.

It sounds like you had a wonderful life with Juliette, and yes, you were lucky to have had that love, your children are a result of that love.

I’m  laid in a quite nice flat in Chester before boarding a train to north Wales to see our old friends, my daughter is heading off into Snowdonia to swim in a mountain lake, brrrr, my crazy girl.

You take care, xx

Dear Jayne, I did write a response but it doesn’t seem to have been posted, maybe what I wrote wasn’t appropriate but I’ll wait to see if it appears. 

It's not just you, I have spent an hour pouring my heart out into a reply to Jude2 on another post, hit the reply button and it's lost in the ether.  Some of these posts cost so much emotionally. I don't think that I can write that one again.

As I’m back on train, heading back to Chester, just seen said post. I think it’s the fact I mentioned cannabis  maybe this post will also be delayed. 

Yes, some posts are so emotional, I guess that’s why I hold back posting some times.