You just know it’s not going to be a good day

The fact that it happened so quickly for you doesn't help either. For my wife cancer was diagnosed in november 2019 and she passed away in august 2020, but like you the end was so quick that we didn't really have time to say goodbye. Reading other people's stories I can't say that there are easier ways between the sudden passing without even a diagnosis and the long dragging cancer that lasts a decade. In the end, there are no good ways I suppose.

I remember those early days when you have to do those things and really don't have your mind ready for that because you have that massive thing to process. Once all the admin side is done, and ceremony and all that, you will have more time to rest etc.

I didn't think I'd lose her either. We had plans, postponed year after year for good and bad reasons, to travel here and there, do this and that. Life is not that long.

It's not something you can see that soon, or maybe you have that already, but I think our grief makes us more compassionate towards others. It's a terrible thing to live but you will come stronger from it. Not just yet. 

Sending you a big hug xx

Hello Neve, Animal Lover, Helfire, Devin and all.

Firstly Animal Lover I'm so sorry for your sudden and unexpected loss. As Devin says, welcome to the group none of us want to be a part of :( We're here for you. I'm feeling for you that it happened so quickly. And you have so much adjusting to do now. This is very early days for you. I didn't realise the function and healing power of a truly empathetic funeral director. I hope you are finding solace and grounding with a company that can enable you to do some very hard but very necessary processing in your own time. I'm not sure of other people's experiences of funeral arrangement but at the start for us it was unpalatable. Incredibly depressing. Which is not what you need when you are going though such an impossible time. In the end we found a modern funeral director that enabled me and his family to begin to encounter death as a part of life, no matter how hard. They held us with such strength and knowing. It's what they specifically do so brilliantly and intentionally. I hadn't expected that. I thought I would have to rush through an awful funeral that I had to do out of necessity, obligation and time pressure. But they guided me to realise I could do things in my own time and my own way. And that I was in charge. I didn't need to rush. I hadn't anticipated how much I really needed them. If it's appropriate I can recommend them. But ultimately we all need to find our own way with this element. What feels as right for us as it can when everything we're experiencing feels so very far from right. And also it's ok if it really doesn't feel right and we simply have to do what we need to get through. Go through the motions. The best we can with whatever is available to us.

Neve, I completely hear you. That you feel your Pete's pain was transferred directly to your heart. I believe you. You were obviously very connected. And I believe you think you can't imagine the unbelievable pain he was in. But you did. I believe he probably wanted to protect you from that but that you couldn't help but feel it anyway as you love him deeply. This is love. It's real and I'm sure he was lucky to have you love him. As many of you have said, there is no easy way to come to this awful place we all find ourselves in. For some it was quick. For some drawn out. For some very traumatic. And for lots of us dealing with the aftermath of our lives in tatters is an ongoing trauma in itself. My life is in ruins sadly. Horrendous financial and housing implications. I feel scared for the future of myself and our daughter. It's not something you imagine when losing your favourite person. That there will be so many "other" implications, complications and losses to deal with. We did NOT plan for this! We tried our hardest to sort as much of the administrative aspects of our lives in the time we had. But it was too hard and there wasn't enough time. And it can also feel so defeatist to face those things when you're fighting so hard to keep your loved one alive. So now I'm left picking up the pieces of this very confusing puzzle. But. I have reached out to professionals and this has really helped. One of the best pieces of advice a wonderful therapist once gave me was: "if I don't know the answer to something and it is causing me worry and panic, seek professional help, or ask someone that does know". So I try to follow that. And bit by bit things can become a little clearer. A little easier with the right support.

As our situation was very traumatic, my GP did prescribe me some medication to help me get through the days. I needed to function for our daughter. I know drugs aren't a suitable solution for everyone and must be managed appropriately but they have helped me. I now face the challenge of weaning myself off these but I'm grateful for my GP's ongoing support, management and attentiveness with this. Animal Lover and everyone here feeling helpless, I hope you are leaning on some of the incredible support services available to us. Of course it's not as easy to access them now as pre pandemic. But things are beginning to open up again now. There is help out there. Groups and people that understand what you are going through who can offer you much needed comfort, solidarity, meaning, security, safety. This group being one of them. Feeling grateful to you all for your sharing. Our solidarity here. Thank you XX

Hi Zero5

What a weird world we live in?? l hope that your puzzle becomes less confusing and in time is a journey that that can be completed. Also l hope that your daughter can eventually remember the good times with her dad, so that it out ways the sad times xx I know what you mean about antidepressants, l was on a low dose for hot sweets believe it or not, but since Pete passed l have doubled up on them. Mainly because if l am honest l am frightened of how l would be without them. I am bad enough now, god only knows what l would do without them.

xx

Although, I’ve been following all your posts, I haven’t posted, I’ve been feeling, well, you all know. 
I’ve just woken up, and I dreamt of Mart. We were walking around a corner, I could feel his arm around me, I leant into him and told him I loved him, a perfect moment, even though it was just a dream, it was so special for me, I felt so safe, so whole, I had to share a good moment …….Linda 

Hi Linda. That's amazing. Thanks for sharing this good moment. I haven't dreamt of Juliette in a while. Last time she was just standing by the door and I was surprised to see her. But for once I was able to hug her and give her a kiss before my stupid brain woke me up thinking something's wrong here!

Cherish this dream!

Antoine xx

Bless you xx, l am glad it bought you comfort xx

l have had a few dreams about Pete( well a lot actually), but mostly when we were courting at 16 years old. To be honest l go to bed willing myself to dream of him :(. l have his ashes on my window ledge beside me, some people may think it weird. l would have before l lost Pete, but now l find it a comfort. Every morning and night l tell him l love him and give him a little touch xx

But yes  our dreams feel so real, and can be so comforting, wish you many more xxx

xxx

Thanks guys, It’s the first time since I lost him last October and I’m not even at home. My daughter booked a trip to Norway, to try to help, so I’m sat in a log cabin by Lillehammer lake, very snowy and pretty.
Neve, I also keep his ashes so he can see out of the window but they’re at home in Devon, the very first time I dream of him, I’m in another country. 
It was so real, tears fill my eyes just remembering it. xx

l know what you mean xx but what a perfect setting to remember him x l too lost Pete on the 17th October last year.

That would be a perfect setting for me as l love the snow x but for Pete it would be on his boat fishing lol xxx

I lost Mart on the 15th October last year. Marts would be on the golf course or spending a small fortune on food, Norway is so expensive xx