You just know it’s not going to be a good day

Finding this thread is perhaps one of the most supportive and cathartic that I have read on this forum.  Perhaps because we all share the fact that we can't go anywhere else with our situation.  There is no escape.  No other route.  We have to/can remain untied in this.  I struggled to find support in the forum before because before he died there was always hope.  The living and the hopeful had somewhere else to go.  This thread is long and rooted.  Some people here have been grieving for years.  It's all very new for me.  All very unacceptable.  Friends, family and quite random people have been truly amazing.  But I'm finding it difficult to access bereavement support during these covid times.  I'm 38.  My daughter 5.  My husband, her father, diagnosed and gone in less than a year.  Hell.  Funeral just last week.  Even though this last year was horrific.  I still miss him even in his most cancerous state.  And I know he'd rather be with us even though he was suffering so much.  Cancer robbed so much of him.  But our togetherness was so strong it couldn't take that.  And then it did take him.  All of him.  Away from me.  Away from us completely.  Gone.  I know people say at least he's not suffering anymore but he would have suffered to stay with us given the choice.  I would have endured the suffering to stay with him.  Care for him as I did.  At least he was there.  With us.  How cruel.

I know exactly how you feel, its all still very fresh for me too, I'm 48 and my Husband was 56 when he passed away, he had only had cancer for 6 months which is such a short period of which in some ways I am thankful for, especially reading about people how have suffered for years with this awful disease.  My husband passed away in Dec, we have 10 children between us.  He fought the whole way and had such a positive attitude, he was amazing and gave me such strength, he would have given anything to stay with us, I feel so lost without him by my side he was my rock we did everything together.  Now I feel lost, I have lots of friends who have been amazing and so supportive but will never get it, if that makes sense.  I have tried counselling but found it didn't help me at all, reading the posts in this group of people who have and are going through the same feelings as I am experiencing has helped just to know there are people out there that get it.  I felt so selfish wishing he was still here when in actual fact even though I know he would haven given anything to be here with us it wasn't fair he was suffering so much towards the end.  Sorry this post seems so disjointed, my thought processes are all over the place, I seem to go from black to white whilst barely breathing in between.  I too would give anything just to have some more time with him, the end came so quick I wasn't prepared, not that you are ever prepared but I have so much more I want to say, I need more hugs that make to feel safe, protected and secure and I need him to tell me I'm going to be okay.  I swear to god the next person who tells me time is a good healer I'm gonna deck em!  We are all in this together be it at different stages and it helps me to actually try and put in down in words even if it does seem like I'm rambling.  

Hi Helfire

I understand where you are coming from, l don't think that time will EVER ease my pain of loosing Pete in October 2021. Pete too was very positive although he struggled with cancer for 5 years. First bowel cancer diagnosed in December 2016, then diagnosed with stage 4 secondary lung cancer in March 2020. Pete's attitude was  he would try any treatment as long as he was breathing. His last chemo was in February 2021, then down hill from there. I don't think l have to write all the horrible things that came next. I am sure we have all encountered it with this terrible disease, Us like you did everything together, he was my life, the air that l breath and my forever.

This is going to sound corny but at times l think the terrible pain he was feeling has been transferred to my heart, although in all honesty l really don't think it could come remotely close to the pain that, Pete actually went through. xx

Thank you Helfire.  I don't think you're rambling at all.  You make total sense.  Rambling is good to try and express the absolute complexity and mess of our trauma and experience.  I feel like I must ramble too.  I want to wear his clothes but I'm afraid of losing his smell.  So I have to leave everything exactly as it is.  I have to say that tip one of you left about rolling some clothes tightly into a sealed bag is a good one.  Maybe I'll choose certain items to conserve his smell.  It's almost too hard for me to smell him at the moment.  Not necessarily a comfort but a reminder of our pain.  The profundity of our loss.  But maybe in time being able to access his smell can be a source of comfort.  I opened my grandmother's sewing box yesterday and smelt her 30 years since she passed.  So it can be done.

I'm scared of forgetting how he loved me.  His nicknames for me.  Always fun.  Completely him.  He used to call me Cashew.  His voice so tender, magnificent, full of energy, full of spirit, joy and love.  He talks to me in my dreams right now which I'm grateful for.  Grateful I can still hear him.  I have to agree with some of you here that maybe therapy is too hard.  Maybe too much for us.  As a therapist myself I never thought I'd say that but I can see that a tendency to re-live trauma in therapy can be re-traumatising.  Gentle techniques for releasing of our trauma and experience do exist.  And I agree that knowing that others here who have the slightest idea of what we might have been through is a great source of comfort.  To be alone with it is definitely much too much. To know we are not alone is a vital support for us.

For those of you struggling to sleep or waking at 4am with the injection of extreme grief stress, I learned a useful hack.  It's called icing the vagus nerve.  Have any of you tried this?  It really has helped me and there are different varieties of it.  It's a method of stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system which is controlled by the vagus nerve.  It stimulates the body's "rest and digest" mode as opposed to the "fight or flight" cortisol induced stress response we can experience at 4am heightened by grief trauma and loss.  Place ice on the vagus nerve.  An ice pack or similar on your breastbone in the centre of your chest.  Within 15 minutes this can activate your parasympathetic nervous system to override your over stimulated sympathetic nervous system which has sent a flash of stress hormones into your blood stream... At 4am!!  This method can ease you back to sleep.  The body naturally sends a bit of cortisol at this time anyway to prepare us for waking but when you are grief stricken it can be to extreme levels.  Now ice isn't everyone's cup of tea!!  And not that practical at 4am.  So anything that vibrates can also do the trick.  Humming and singing also stimulates the vagus nerve (useful for the day time). That's what saying "om' does.  There's loads of info circulating on the internet currently about this technique with many many people reporting great success.  Hope this helps and resonates with any one of this very brave group. Xx

I'm having one of those today. I lost my husband suddenly on Wednesday and am feeling devestated. I just feel lost, empty and can't really see any point in my future. He was my life and now just like that hes gone. 

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband in December, we all have those days. The only thing I can say is take a day at a time, do what you want to do, if that's crying all day do it! I found setting myself little tasks to do each day helped even if it was something simple like today I'm going to do some washing, sounds silly I know but I had to push myself to DO something. It's still very early days for you, this group helped me a lot just knowing that someone does understand what your going though and can relate. Stay strong you will get through this

Hello Zero5,

I just wanted to say thank you for the 4am tip! It's super interesting and will use that next time it happens (probably tonight..)

About being afraid to forget things, I know what you mean. I had a whole period when I was writing down memories, small things, meaningless things, intimate things, that I was afraid would disappear with Juliette. I think that it's very natural because we miss them so much, it feels like everything will disappear with them like sand from your hand (or water, even worse). You can try and do that to pin your thoughts down. I've realised over time (a year and a half 2 days ago for me) that those memories didn't go anywhere after all and that remembering the small things, her voice, the private jokes, etc. make her presence more obvious to me. 

The dreams can be super useful too. I had a whole period when I would see her every night, and most of the time I would eventually realise that she shouldn't be here. My brain was trying really hard to make me understand. Then it happened less often. She showed up again a few days ago and it was brilliant, like an impromptu visit. I love imagining that she is still somehow alive here in my brain, showing up in my dreams. It's the same with the robins that I see walking the dogs. Just seing a robin reminds me of her and it makes me happy.

The fact that you're a therapist yourself is great because it means that you'll be the therapist we've all been looking for, the one that sadly had to experience what we all did, that gets it.

Thank you for sharing

Take care xx

Antoine

Thank you Helfire. It has been so hard. A month ago Geoff was fine, or so we thought then some stomach discomfort and within 4 weeks he's gone. No time to prepare  in the end not even anytime to say goodbye he passed away so suddenly. I have an amazing family, no children, but it's hard. Sometimes I feel smothered then I can't bare to be alone. I keep forgetting he has gone, expecting to go home to tell him something or give him a hug. It is good yo know people on here know how it feels, other people mean well but I just know they are going to go home to their partners and carry on in their happy life. No loneliness, constant emotional uncontrollable pain, or even wondering how the hell am i going to light the fire or fix the car. It really does feel pretty hopeless right now!

Hi Animal Lover,

Welcome to the group no one wants to be a part of! It's super super early for you and I'm really sorry for your loss. Take it easy, let all the feelings and the tears flow. Be gentle with yourself. You will get there and we're all here to help xxx

Antoine

Thank you Devin. Its all a bit crazy at the moment, so many things to sort out and organise. Things you don't even think about when life is going good. I never thought I'd lose him  probably stupid really, none of us know whats in store for us. When someone is basically your whole world its hard to see a way to carry on