You just know it’s not going to be a good day

There is no rule as to the way of crying properly (Thank God!!). But I agree with you it seems sometimes like holding off without trying. I don't let go in public. I don't think I could beyond wet eyes. But I've cried in the shower (perfect place!) and sometimes walking the dog in the fields. Never long enough to get snotty and drained, but enough to feel that a weight had lifted afterwards.

xx

You all speak a truth. There should be no expectations of big outbursts or crying. I think mine came out at night. 3years on, still have recurring night terrors, I still feel the stage I am at is not altered. Some antidepressants interfere with your emotions and there is a general expectation that we jump on a miraculous hamster wheell that will 'cure' our grief! The general public think that counselling and tablets available on that wheel will 'poof!' make your life 'return to normal'. I personally found counselling made me a lot worse as I was reliving things. Not everyone benefits from medication either. Many out there firmly believe if they have experienced a lot of close grief, they can genuinely empathise with you. They can't. Those who have had the same loss share some empathy but on here, I think we can see we do all have very different experiences, but share similarities. Some have said at 64, John was old & ill so ok to die. I argue he was very close to a hard worked for retirement. I am still 16 months off my own retirement age, so no 64 was NOT ok. I know this is how life is. What I think the last 3 yrs has taught me is that I don't care whether society wants my grief 'cured' or not. They must accept that I feel ok with just wanting 'TO BE'. It feels like a moment ago and yet a lifetime. I have not changed. I have not re read my notebooks either. I don't want to learn from them. I don't view them as cathartic either really. I view them as my method of communicating with my husband. It is the only 'physical' way I can keep our relationsip alive. It is also true that over 60s are still seen as 'old' & intimacy should stay hidden after 30.  We don't stop being human and we don't stop wanting to express our love for one another.

xx

I actually took myself out to my nieces house today for a couple of hours, first time out since Pete's funeral in November. Felt wrong, felt sad, l have always  hurried back to Pete if l was out simply because l wanted to be with him:(

Popped into my sons house on the way home he was surprised, but l cannot say that l enjoyed it, truth be known l would have rather stayed at home with our dogs ,l know l sound ungrateful but this is how l am feeling.

Dont beat yourself up sweetheart. You made a magnificent attempt. I hope it gets better for you, but, being the realistic old toad that I have become, it has got no better for me. All I will say is that the world will still not have Pete in it wherever you are. It may help others more than you....but it WILL help you, but maybe not in the way you want it to. Over time, people became more worried about me because largely (though not entirely) I refuse to conform. The more worried others are about you the more they will try to 'help' (interfere) because they care and worry. I have developed a front I can wear when I feel up to it. Its enough to pacify others but on my own, its a different story.  We had to leave our home of 30 yrs as we couldn't manage the steps outside and then two flights of stairs and 3 floors of cleaning for me to do. So for the first time in our marriage we ended up renting a local authority bungalow. The was the last home we shared together. Its ok in some ways, a curse in others. I can't say it was ever a happy home. It is functional. Johns presence is often here which is often a small comfort but sometimes overpowering and other times its an empty lonely shell. My friend who was bereaved at 59 8 years ago says its a state of existence she has felt forced to accept but has never got used to. She is more forgiving than me. But you are still in very early stages....even in cases where you should feel no guilt, there is usually something of that which emerges. I do so very much wish \I could help you, but I know from my own experience no one can help in any tangible sense. XXXXX You should be proud of yourself xxx

I completely understand how your feeling, I feel the same way every time I leave the house, I force myself to go but never feel at ease until I'm home.  Jassim and I did everything together and when he got sick I was there with him 24/7.  He died 6 months after he was diagnosed, he went downhill very, very fast.  I'm very thankful (if thats the right word) that he didn't suffer for years like so many with this awful disease but also feel robbed, we had so many plans, he was just about to retire.  Jassim was only 56, I'm 48 this year we had a lifetime ahead of us!  Now i'm left with the what now?!  I don't know what my future holds without him, do I want a future without him?!  God I'm sorry for sounding so selfish, but thats exactly how I feel tonight 

Thank you x the truth is the area where l went was where l was brought up. It is so depressing now l have not lived there since ; was 17 years old and l am now 65. But despite that l don't think l will be venturing out any time soon. xx

Hi Helfire

I don't think you are being selfish, because l know when you say "do l want a future without him" as l feel exactly the same way. I have 2 grown up sons with families and ; know it would break their hearts if l was not here. But it does not stop you thinking that way. When l said to my eldest son, "i now understand when you hear people say that they cannot live without their partners. He said to me don't do anything silly mum? l said" of course l wont, but again the thought is there:( . So l do understand what you are saying xx

It was thank you.

I agree with you Neve, Hellfire is not being selfish. Everyone has a different outlook on life and death. For me I do not want a life without John. However, the family have been through so much. We had 6 deaths in 2019 starting with John's & my cancer simultaneiously. In under 30 months there's been 10 deaths, the last being oldest grandson, 19, 10 months ago, and my cancer of course as John was dying. Having to tell him that so close to his own death ...maybe THAT was selfish. I don't know. I just didn't want him to die with me having a secret from him. I have a duty to my kids. I am less close now to my grandkids than I ever was. There are other reasons, but i cant help knowing Ive changed & they don't like the way I am.  Some, like yourselves, do want to establish a different life. John would have been like that. Me, no & he knew that and was ok with it. People keep saying stock remarks like Life goes on and John would want you to live etc. Its all haddock and old boots to me. I won't be the first to have found a rock to crawl under somewhere below gutter level....a place just 'TO BE' if you like.I am not afraid to say that however much anyone else thinks it distasteful or 'selfish' to use Hellfire's turn of phrase. You can't live life for others or for a memory. If you are going to live it has to be for you.  The alternative as I see it, out of love and duty for the very few who remain, is my little bubble of 'just being'. I steal air I don't want to breathe and occupy space & time I'd rather not have. I accept that to avoid further trauma for others this is my best position. I suspect my position has not moved one jot since 2019, but I have come to recognize the 'state of being' I exist in, like it or not. To be anywhere else would cause further suffering to those I love. I am at least now able to present a face to the world most find 'palatable'...a plastic face however difficult and distasteful to me is necessary otherwise my suffering would cause them pain as well. I just don't think ANY OF US should feel selfish or unkind etc in the steps we take (or not). I think we all have one thing totally in common and that is we are all doing our own best to approach huge devastation in the only way we can. Hats off to you all xxxxx