You just know it’s not going to be a good day

For anyone who is interested....if you want to try to preserve the smell of your loved one, I believe this works...does for me anyway....choose the smallest item & fold it and roll it tight. If you can, roll it inside another item of theirs. Double bag it in a small airtight bag or container or both. i have the tank top my dad last wore & mums nightie. They died in the 1990s & on the rare occasions I get them out, I can still smell them on them. I have done the same with Johns bob hat...3 yrs on 23rd Feb for him. If you haven't washed something and at some point you feel it needs it, you can spot clean it . Imagination is also very evotactive.....To most folk who have not been through a 'juggernaught' bereavement, yes...we are ALL bonkers on here....but if you think like Alice in Wonderland...erm...maybe WE are sane and its THEM who are bonkers?  In one Dickens novel (I forget which), a lady on her deathbed is asked "Are you in pain?"  She replied..."There is a pain in the room somewhere, but I am not sure if it is mine,,,,"  By this she demonstrates everyone's perception of pain differs.

sound very much like me and John. Everyone thought I was pregnant but we hung on till I was 19. I don't think there is such a thing as too young. Our friends met in primary school and were soulmates till he died. Normal is only the word I use for 'usual'. Its an easy wasy of explaining a state of 'being; I guess...and when you have had a soulmate that dies, most can never be in that state again. We may find a plane or level of 'being', but that does not necessarily equate to life or living. I guess the state of relationship you sustain over time will influence what type of position you are left with when that earthly bond is tested beyond the realms of physical touch.  I accept I 'just am'. If others want to build a new life etc good for them and if like me they don't, good for them too. xxx Going through childhood, early adulthood and beyond to severence I believe is a very special process. We had a hellish life overall and none of it our own making...but the deep love and care that grew was not just huge, but a big gift. There are couples in long marriages that aren't soulmates even though they have long marriages. That doesn't mean they don't love each other....but they are capable of one surviving without the other by their own admission. Whatever rubbish we went through  can never diminish that overwhelming devotion that even now remains between us and I suspect, Neve, that sounds the case with yout and Pete too.  Younger people look at the over sixties as if we were never young lovers, we never did anything in life and if we did it doesn't matter....oh the tales we could tell eh? I believe our essence goes on. I believe John has helped me through things since he passed away many times. I started a note book a short time after he died and I am now on book 7. I spill my guts as I would do in life...from the deeply upsetting to the trivial shop or ask questions I think he can help me with. It doesn't stop that bowling ball space in my belly still filling any spare cavity I have, nor the beeping of my soul for his. xxxxxxx

xx

Thank you for your kind and touching words. Quite often l think of a question or something that is advertised on the tele, and l think "Pete would have liked that or Pete would of known the answer to my questions. Then it hits me like  a ton of bricks he wont ever be able to do that again:( Also as you say young people do not think of us over 60s of having an intimate life, then l think let them wait until they reach our age lol xx

I’ve started writing too, thought it might help me, to see if I sounded any better when I read it back at a later date. So far, I tend to cry a lot when I’m writing,  I don’t sound any better yet. xx

In those moments I try to embrace Juliette's presence in my mind. Of course she's not there physically, but if whatever made me think of her, then she is, with me, in my thoughts.

Xx

Crying is a good thing, it's cathartic. And so is journaling because it's all about expressing those feelings we have rather than suppressing them.

What I've found important is to write in my journal when I feel fine too! And those are the bits I will underline to go back to them later and remember that I can be ok too when I don't feel so great.

I don't really write to revisit, just to let it all out of my mind, and to avoid bothering too many people with my thoughts. 

Xx

Hi Devin

I understand when you say" to avoid bothering too many people with your thoughts "x.

I have yet to really whole heartedly have a real proper cry, yes l do cry but not the full on breakdown outburst! l get very upset and cry but l am still waiting for this outburst???

x

This is me too.  No massive snotty cry yet after a whole year.  I have a dog who gets very upset when I cry so that is the only reason.  I think it might be time to lock myself in the bathroom, have a good soak and get it out.  Maybe this weekend. It's in there and I know I need to let it go.

I know what you mean when you say "you know that it is in there"

There was only one time l started to cry out loud and that was in the hospice the day before Pete passed, as he was in so much pain they could not manage it. I had to go outside to my car while they made him comfortable the best they could