You just know it’s not going to be a good day

Hi Neve,

It makes sense that you don't want to get near the boats or in the garage because those places are too closely connected to Pete. It takes time to do all those things. I have things that I still don't approach after almost a year and a half. Part of Juliette's things are sorted, but for all the little notes and notebooks, I still have a lot of things to do and it's not easy to go into that space.

Getting busy to distract your mind is a good idea. I have found that I was relying a lot on podcast or radio just for the presence and distraction at the beginning and have only allowed more my mind to wander these last months. Right now I'm not in a good place so I will have to rely on those distractions once more. I'm trying to get into meditation too to have a better sleep pattern but it's not easy.. 

We have tools to try and help but at the end of the day were loving through hell. And if people don't acknowledge that it's on them. Don't ever let them make you feel that you're not doing the right thing. No one can tell you how you should feel. (Which is just what I did, dammit)

Take care XX

Antoine

Hi Neve, it was an early one, not many people about but what a beautiful sunrise. xxx

Hi Neve, in grief, nothing that works for you is silly! Evocative things like clothes, tools, places etc are heaven & hell. You want them then find them torture. I want human touch but once there, its not him, so I want it gone & waves of hollowness drown me. We also have 2 grown up kids (Id lay my life out for them), but they cannot measure against a soulmate. Without your Pete the kids would not exist as mine wouldn't without John. You cannot really help them with their grief as it is distinct from yours. People expect you to support each other but in some ways, however you try, it usually makes things worse. You are doing all the right things so far. Self worth...umm....more self-existence I would call it....I did a poem about it....my soul is like a beacon searching the great divide....beeping...beeping...awaiting the echo of a soul no longer reachable. message me anytime xx

Hi Antonie

Thank you,it makes sense what you are saying. For what ever reason it is out of all the pictures l have of Pete it is  the one when we first went out when  we were 16, that is always in the forefront of my mind. God that would have been 50 years ago this year, but still does not seem long enough x 

I hope and wish you easement in your pain, and l know that words do not help but what else can we say to each other, than it should never have happened: if only hey!

Take care x

Neve

Hi Darkhorse

Thank you for your words of warmth. It is hard and weird, painful, emotionally draining. l totally understand when you say hollowness drowning you x. As for our two sons they both have different ways like their dad, and you are right about their grief being different to mine. My eldest son Peter says l want to say  this mum but "l don't want to upset you". But then l say to him "l get upset anyway, so just say what you want". They are like their dad like that. Pete's last days were horrendous and all he was worried about was me:(

Hi Neve, You are so lucky to have two sons who care. My son cares in his own way but is very autistic & losing his Dad and 2 boys sent him over the edge. He has no capacity for me. Everything fell to his sister who has a bipolar hubby, a hard, low paid job & gone thru hell with me & John. She was Daddys girl too. If you think this way...each pregnancy is different, making a unique person. One of ours is autistic and the other isn't. One has curly hair & other straight. They have some similarities but differences too. Daughter has a soft nature like her Dad, but unlike him, can be hard like me when necessary. She forever says she loves me, unlike her brother....but she does not understand. John also had a truly horrible end. We both desperately wanted his death at home, but he collapsed at the doctors & it was out of my hands. That is a dark place. I will say this.. I saw my first death (granny), age 4 1/2. In our family,1961, death was part of life. Since then I have seen many deaths. Very few are the fairytale portrayed. Some were very bad (not the worst). The worst I only heard about (a young friend on a building site). We must understand we die because something went wrong with our body, however it happened.  All we experience is not all of who we are, but  how it changes us & how we react. Society wants us to return to 'normal'. I will never be that. I met John as an impressionable 15yr old child...I became his girl 10 mth later at 16. He was a teen himself. We shaped each other. Part of me is conjoined to him. I am not religious but  believe our essence survives. Some do want to feel 'normal', even remarry. I still think for those like me who don't want to conform to others' expectations.. thats okay too. Life comes with no handbook. Many paths, doorways, choices. We write our own life story as we go, mistakes and all. xxxxx

Hi Darkhorse123

I do understand what you are saying, me and Pete went out at 16, and got married at 17, and was parents at 17.

Some people would say that is too young, maybe it is for some but was not for us, we grew up with our children and neither of us had any regrets.I think that some people are just unlucky in what illnesses we suffer. Cancer runs in my family l have lost 4 of my family to cancer, but Pete is the only one in his family .As  regards to normal, that  is if l was in the first place lol , l don't think l will ever be that again, 

xx

I can relate to what you're saying about growing together. I met Juliette at university and even though it took us 3 years to understand that we were more than best friends, we then never left each other and really grew up together. 

I found consolation in the fact that we have had the chance to meet our soul mate when most people do. Talking to other people I've realised how hard it can be for lots of people to find the right person, and make it work.

I'm probably starting to idealise the relationship I had with Juliette but, maybe because we grew up together on our couple, it was always so easy. No fight, no nothing. We knew where we stood and didn't spend more than 10 nights apart in almost 20 years together.

I like to think that beyond the tragedy, all of us in here have been very very lucky. Xx

I totally get what you say ,me and Pete were only ever apart when he was in hospital and when l had our2 sons. 

As you say the word idealise is totally correct and perfect x and l feel that there is nothing wrong with that, because to understand what that means is to have loved someone very special.  

I agree when you see the out pouring of emotion from people that have lost their loved ones is emotional, and special. x

I still sleep with my husband t-shirt next to me and squirt his aftershave on it and it's lost his smell now. I even carry his aftershave in my handbag and have a sniff if I'm feeling anxious, god I sound like a lunatic! But it helps me get through even for a short while x