You just know it’s not going to be a good day

Let me know if it helps as last night wasn’t as successful but if I’ve slept through once, it can happen again 

Hi Neve, I also lost my husband Mart in October, 2 days after my 70th, we’d also been together for 48 years. I find it impossible to remember a time without him. Just thinking about it all now, and tears fall, stomach churns, it would be so easy to do a Thelma and Louise but, I got through the last 3 years, putting it all in a box in the corner, only to be opened when I’m strong enough and I’m trying to the same now. Doesn’t always work, hence, a recent day of constant crying. 

There are 2 things which make me stop to think,

Mart’s quality of life those last few weeks, was just horrible, it was so hard on him and as much as I want him still here with me, I don’t, not suffering like that. 
Our daughter and granddaughter live with me, they are both grieving and Florence is only 5 and misses her grandad so much, he was her favourite playmate. I try to keep it together around them and  they are the only reason I try to carry on.

 I think when you’ve spent so long with one person,  it’s just so hard to be alone but every couple at some point goes through this, one is always left alone, we just don’t think about it, well I didn’t before bloody cancer.

Sending you a big hug…xx

Hi budge13

Thank you for your message x. I also want Pete to be here with me, but as you say not in the horrendous pain that he was in:( I live by myself now but will eventually buy a small place near my sons. No matter who comes to visit me l am still alone even when they are here. I have not cooked a meal yet since Pete has been gone, nor gone out apart from arranging his funeral and the actual funeral. I have no interest in anything, to be honest l could quite easily join him. As l write this now l am in tears and totaly empty. No doubt you have been there. Pete has only been gone about 13 weeks now , but it already seems like a life time:(

I feel your pain and sadness, l think that we all wish that the ones that we have lost should be here and that in this day and age there should never be a disease/illness  called Cancer.

It is like you said we all know that we will pass on one day, but it does not stop the feeling of being robbed of your love one. l have lost a parent and 3 siblings with this terrible disease  but the pain of loosing them is nothing compared to loosing Pete. l just hope and pray l can come to terms with this xx

Sending a Big hug to you, take care

Regards

Neve

Hello Neve,

It's still very early for you so don't beat yourself up if you don't have the energy to do much. Take it easy, you can allow yourself to go at your own pace. 

Time is a great healer, but a very slow one too. Take your time, and hopefully it will eventually get somehow a bit less heavy as you will slowly adjust to life without Pete.

Sending you a hug.

Antoine x

Hi Devin

Thank you for your kind words xx

Dear Neve,

I get the feeling of being alone, all the time, whether with people or not. I don’t know, it is a weird thing to explain, I guess  I know it’s in my best interests to get out and make connections, as I really don’t know many people in south Devon, and I feel quite confident but just can’t be bothered, maybe like Devin said, I’m just not ready, it’s only 15 weeks for me.

I go out with my daughter and granddaughter sometimes, and I now drive to local places, on my own,  just to do something, tomorrow I plan on driving to Teignmouth, I’ll walk by the sea, have a coffee, then return home. I think I’m mostly trying to fill my head with anything that stops me thinking. I’ve always thought, sometimes too much time thinking, is a dangerous thing, well, for me anyway.

Do try to keep posting or visiting here, it won’t hurt, it might even help, it certainly makes me feel less isolated, talking to people who understand.

Be kind to yourself, much love….Linda x

Jude dear I wish there was a magic answer for you, but there isn't. You don't say how long you have been bereaved. For me in a few weeks its 3 yrs. I never have 'good' days but I have days where I have a bit more ability to mask the sadness. In some ways that is hard work. Without blathering on as I normally do...I could make a couple of suggestions. They may be futile for you but work for me. I find a few things can distract you and help. I find writing down how you feel cathartic. I have written poetry form being barely out of nappies and Im in my sixties. It does not have to rhyme!! I suggest looking at some online poetry sites to see what I mean.  I also knit from time to time, though I am no great shakes at it. My patience is very erratic. I draw and paint also and as Im riddled with arthritis my work is less than desirable!! But it gives you a focus for a short time and this can break the bleakness if only for awhile. The other thing you can do is chat online....not necessarily about grief or feelings, but the most stupid senseless stuff can help....or you can look at any aspect of your life that needs attention.  Next week I am hoping for example to start wading through all the paperwork I have neglected cos I couldnt face it!! Hope this helps. xx

Neve I am sorry for your loss darling. The period you are going through is very familiar to me. Please don't think you have to 'come to terms' with losing your dear Pete....you don't have to. It is possible to live with and still be grieving as I am almost 3 years on after losing my hubby and soulmate, John. Infinity would never have been enough. Others may soon get fed up of how you may feel about your loss. Some get bored, but try not to show it. Others impatient, even after only a few months...but they don't understand. They only think they do. I was incredibly close to both my parents, especially mum, and I thought the world had ended, but I found nothing comparable to losing a soulmate, a partner, someone who knew you more intimately than anyone else. Some will suggest counselling....and indeed at some point.....that may help you. But not everyone benefits...I feel it made me ten times worse as I relived things over and over.  Some say treasure your memories....but I lost a lot of mine & they don't understand why it hurts when they push this on you. Its one of those stock responses folk think they need to say. Better to think of his touch, his way, his mannerisms....to lie on a bed or sofa and feel his hand in yours. If he had a favourite shirt there is a source of his being there...or aftershave on a hankie sometimes helps me. All you say is true....the room could be bustling with people and still be empty. If I could lend a hug I would. Antoine is right though...it is very very early for you. You may be able to live without your grief to the fore....but if you can't...as I cant, that is okay too. Don't listen to all the stock answers like Pete would want (or not want) this or that, or pull yourself together for xxx reason. Instead, listen to your body and your own instincts and you have made one giant leap already by coming on here!! If you feel any of us can help, reach out if you are able. Much love, Val xxx

Hi Val

Thank you for your kind and wise words, l have started to wear Petes cloths to be near to him, sounds silly l know.

I cuddle the pillow he had so that l have his smell, but as l am sure you know that, things only comfort you for a short time:( I get very emotional just going into the garage with all of his tools, projects he could not finish( we have boats and l cannot bare to go near them, sounds weird l know but l have no self worth, l think l lost it when l lost Pete. I have 2 grown uo children with families, but it does not change the way l am feeling, and l know there loss of their dad and grandad is an horrendous one. Thank you for your kind words l will definitely remember them.

Love Neve x

Hi Linda

Thank you for your kind words, and l hope that  you enjoyed your walk along the beach x.