Ripping the plaster off

Hello Jillian…having just joined this group after deciding I needed to find help in coping with the reality of losing my wife Loraine in November. Losing your best friend is so hard isn’t it? I opened your note first as your title is something my daughter often says when she has to do something she doesn’t want to…like leaving us to travel home to Scotland (from Devon) just before Loraine was about to go into our local hospice…she died just two weeks later very peacefully leaving me bereft and lost for a while.

I decided after losing Loraine that I would face up to the ‘Firsts’ as they came along as best as I could. So far they have been very helpful, comforting and at times, like you, a real opener of deep emotions. 

I recently visited a bench on Portobello promenade near Edinburgh, yes I am up here facing some big firsts as we loved visiting Scotland, where I cried buckets…but felt relief afterwards. Today my daughter and I walked along Crammond Beach and promenade and felt calm and comforted by the memories and laughter we had there. Please visit your bench where you spent many happy times with a coffee…cherish those memories and be thankful you were able to experience them together. I do hope you can, along with all the other firsts however simple and brief they were…they mean something to you and that’s all that matters right now.

Hi Jillian

Well done for taking the first step, albeit tearful ones. Maybe next time you could try to focus on 'chatting' to Dave (in your head or out loud if there's no one else around) and include him in your walk, then hopefully each tentative step will feel a bit lighter. Stop and admire the views or the wildlife and recall the happy, funny memories you shared on your walks... let your smile dry the tears as I'm sure Dave would want for you.  

I know it's hard..but you've braved the first steps so throw off the duvet and you and Otto can go make some new memories whilst remembering the old with fondness not sadness.. 

Keep strong..

Mym x

Hello

My Linda, really enjoyed walking, I went with her, couldn’t bear the thought of her walking alone, we chatted about all manner of things. Linda particularly loved the Sea, so walking along the seafront at Canvey or the sea wall were her special places. I have only walked up to the sea wall once since she passed. I keep telling myself I should go more, and I will do, just need time.

Our favourite Holiday destinations are Cornwall and Scotland, been to Cornwall at least 4 times, we both so love that type of Holiday, Lake District etc.

keep safe and well  

Hello Jillian

i also walked round Nostell Priory talking to Gordon with our old dog looking puzzled as I muttered along telling myself I’ll be ok. Nostell is a wonderful place isn’t it? 

Best wishes

June x

Well done Jillian, I wish I could summon up the strength, but since Mart passed in October, I’ve been unable to walk the coastal walks here in Devon, and have avoided even walking along the seafronts of the various places we used to go to. He so loved his coffee and paper at the View, at Teignmouth, but just the thought of him sitting there, or at any of our haunts, is too much, the tears flow.

Maybe I’ll try in the New Year but it’ll be hard on my own, we always did it together. 

Big hugs…..Linda

So sorry you lost your love. Thank you for your words. I will go back again and next time I will celebrate the lovely times that we had together. There are other places that I can’t face going to yet but I will get there eventually - just going to take them one at a time. And in the meantime we can all help each other through this. 

It is a lovely place. So glad I’m not the only one talking to my dog. 

When you are ready you will do it - there’s no time constraint on when we each feel ready to take a step. It was hard doing it the first time but I do feel like next time it will be better - that’s not to say that it will be easy - but I’m going to try to focus on the happy memories that made. I hope you are able to do the same when you’re ready 

I hope you’re right but my heads too full of what if’s, guilt and regrets. I try to say and do the right things but it’s all an act but I will try, so thank you. 

I think 99% of that we do and say is an act. We do it to protect other people and no one else truly understands tha pain and devastation that we feel. We will all do different things on our own time when it’s right for us. There’s no set format. I’ve just started reading a book and although I’m only a little into it literal every word she has said resonates with me. It was recommended to me. Maybe worth a try.