at a loss

Arthur D, I can see you are really struggling at the moment.  Christmas has been a very awful time for all of us.  I had a really terrible day and wondered if I could go on, but remembered my friends and family who have been on this journey with me and how they have been so strong and supportive.

You are six months behind me and I can so relate to your feelings.  I used to really struggle to get out of bed, have a shower and get dressed each day for ages.  Having my dog helped as I needed and still need to look after him each day.  Without him I am sure would be in a long unchanged bed every day and wandering round in a fog.  I still look at the clock when I wake up and wonder what I am going to do until I can go to sleep again and try to forget it all.

I've had a broken boiler too and it felt like the world had ended, but it got fixed and all was ok.

This all takes masses of time to work through, but you will get there even though you don't think so at the moment.  I've spent months and months just surviving the best I can, but I've had moments of progress and have felt so proud of them, however small they might feel.  In a few months when you look back I hope you feel the same.  Losing you life partner is devastating, but there is light there.

Please know that things will get better, and do carry on posting on here.  It's really helped me learning of other experiences.  I'm not interested in therapy, and this forum has really helped.

Let us know how things are going as you have many supportive arms here.

Felicity 

Hello Felicity

thanks for sharing, only in this way can we feel that we are not the only ones experiencing this

your sentence“I still look at the clock when I wake up and wonder what I am going to do until I can go to sleep again” really struck a chord with me, I go through this every single day, I wake up push the covers down and think “ Why ? What for ?” I often pull the duvet over me and try to go back to sleep, sometimes till 1115-1130am. I have spent countless hours watching Netflix, but only when I was in the right frame of mind, other times I couldn’t  bear TV. It is such a sad waste of life, but until I feel able to face each day with a more positive attitude it won’t change anytime soon.

I have an unfinished project sorting all our family photos, made a good start when Linda was here, but now want to scan the better ones and distribute to family but just can’t get the enthusiasm to progress it. Told myself that’s a winter job, maybe in the New Year will slowly make a start. Also have some video of our children as youngsters  need to edit and put on DVDs. So have stuff to do, if only I can get the enthusiasm.

take care

I don't want to be like this,mark has gone nothing I can do about it,but I just can't figure out how to be me alone, I'm 57 no income because I left my job to take care of him, his pension  has been paid which I really can't stomach it upset me so much, his pension was supposed to be for us to enjoy our time together,I feel so bad having this money it cost my husband his life I can't be the only one feeling like this 

You'll get there. Re the hours til I can sleep soon, I find that if I can do something each day, even if it's just the dreaded housework then it's progress made.  I've been watching lots of tv! but also out walking a lot.  It helps clear the mind and is a change of scenery. I can highly recommend.

I've have had massive voids of doing nothing, then spells of sorting things out.  Last week I went through all of Nic's personal things and put them in a suitcase so they are all together.  They'll absolutely be of no use to anybody else, but I have to keep them in memory of him.

As for everything else, it will get done in time, no rush.

Stay safe.

Felicity 

No, you’re not the only one but I couldn’t manage without Mart’s pension, well my 50%. Your husband would want you use it, I hope in time you’ll accept that.
The fact, that our daughter and granddaughter live with us is a mixed blessing right now, I try to make an effort for them but I’m just going through the motions of making them feel better, I really have no interest in anything. Our plans to enjoy our retirement in Devon, have evaporated, I don’t want to do it alone.

We moved here before the first lockdown, so no friends locally, one kind neighbour, who’s now in France till spring, had we still been in Cheshire, I would have had more support from friends, I don’t know if that would have helped. I can understand that I’m going through a kind of process but no matter how I look at it, I love him, I miss him, this is not how I want to feel. 

Hello Felicity

Update, it wasn’t the pump that was faulty, boiler banging and crashing and shutting down again, feel so anxious, don’t want to have to sort anything out, want someone to say “ this is what you need to do” in the end after lots of research decided it’s time for a new boiler, the company BOXT seem very reliable lots of good reviews and very reasonable, planned it for the 10th Jan, so anxious, hate  having workmen around, got a 3 piece suite and dining chairs to be sorted in January also…..

xxx

Yes even a small thing going wrong can seem massive, so the central heating going wrong feels like a major disaster, and sitting here in the freezing cold doesn’t help me feel positive. I replaced the central heating pump, and now everything warming up lovely, might even have a shower later. Just kept thinking, “ what if I need a new boiler” but as always, especially lately,  I always imagine the worst. Plus I’ve found an inexpensive heating engineer, recommended by a group called ‘ Next Door’ who encourage people to get to know their neighbours and offer recommendations, well it worked for me.

so back to Netflix for a few hours till my Son visits at 7pm for dinner, been playing backgammon, with the set he bought me for Christmas, plus he likes Allo Allo, so watching through the box set. He has asked to watch The Beatles Yellow Submarine, which I have, We watched this with Linda when he was younger, so imagine it will give him some comfort to see it again.

keep safe and well

Really wished I hadn't watched,a star is born its heartbreaking,the song,I'll never love again the lyrics are perfect for me x

Yes Not an easy film, I had trouble with Love Actually, we watched this every Christmas. I have several films I saved for us to watch together, watched one the other day, but even comedy isn’t so funny when it’s not shared with the one you love.

keep safe and well

I'm grateful for my love of music its been a great comfort to me I couldn't be without it x

I love music also, I am making a compilation of my favourite music on an iPod, have 3 iPod players around the house. The only music I have been listening to is my meditative music in the dark, it makes me cry, but it also comforts me. Once my compilation is complete may have a go listening to some of my favourite music, it can be very comforting, something we all desperately need at the moment.