Simple things are so difficult and painful

I feel like I'm going through the motion too this year. I was trying harder last year to try and maintain the magic for the kids.

It's great that you perpetuate your traditions and I'm sure that you have many things to tell her on her birthday card. Christmas + birthday, that's a lot on one day! I'm sure that you'll be fine as you are doing it for her and it feels right.

take care xx

Hello

thank you for your kind words, helped me more than you could ever know

keep safe

My husband’s funeral will be on 23rd December and his birthday is the next day, Christmas Eve. 

Ive told my son we will still celebrate his birthday somehow, we had bought the card a few weeks ago when we spotted the perfect one. 

Hello

I finally managed to write Linda’s Birthday & Christmas cards out, I felt it was the right think to do, and it felt good. My Eldest Daughter has bought special candles with ‘Lindy Lou’ written on them ( Family’s nick name for her) we all plan to light them at the same time on her Birthday, Christmas Day. This will be our celebration of her Birthday.

keep safe

You are not alone, my hubby has now been gone 2years, and for the past two years, yes a Birthday Card goes up and a Anniversary Card,  to me its still his Birthday and it was our Anniversary and i always say "Yes Tom i have not forgotten" it makes me fill so much better,  my kids know and say if that's what you want mum so be it.

We have to do what we want and does not matter what others might think.

I wish you all  a smooth  journey because that is what it is, not one we would  choose to go on, but  we had no choice,

Take Care Ellie x

Hi I find Christmas hard too. I have always deeply missed my first husband at Christmas and my anniversary to Ric would have been 23/12. He died on 28/12 two years ago.

I go through the motions and have for years. I try because of my children. I hated Christmas from age 16 when my parents divorced and it was always a case of keeping everyone else happy with it. Going where I was supposed to go and doing what I was supposed to do!

Instead I feel sad and pressured! 

I hoped this year was going to better, last year was. I had Christmas day with just my children (now 22 and 18), no pressure, no drunk husband, no visits....

I have been pressurised this year to having my mum for Christmas day,.this means a 15 mile trip each way to get her, no wine with Christmas lunch because although my children say they will help there, it won't happen! And mum going on at me about my previous husbands! I just want new traditions now. 

I was hoping to spend Christmas Eve with my boyfriend, we both have Christmas day with our adult children, but his unreliable friend now wants him to go out. I don't like to say anything or make a fuss but I was looking forward to feeling less lonely this year. I have felt lonely at Christmas for years. Although you might have company, in that someone is there in the room, you still feel alone! Ric was always drunk so I was alone and trying to make the best of it. 

Feel so alone and down today! I am wrapping presents today, only time to do them! Guess I need to get showered and put on my happy face. 

Onwards and upwards!  I wish just once someone would get it though! 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hello

Sorry to read of your sadness, we should never be pressured about anything. We need to do things at our own pace, and be comfortable with it. Your last sentence strikes a chord. I am not attempting to diminish how my Children and family feel about the loss of their Mum / Sister, especially as they were very close. But I have lost both of my parents and my Father & Mother in laws, and the grief was so different. Of course I was upset emotionally, but it did not have any where near the intensity and total desolation that I feel about losing my Linda. I have read some studies into grief, I realise it’s not something that can be measured on a scale of 1-10, but it’s widely believed losing a partner is the most intense grief.
there’s lots of reasons why this should be so, which I won’t list here, but will be obvious to anyone in my situation. Each family member believes their grief is the worse, because I don’t suppose they can or even want to imagine it any more severe. It’s a dangerous subject, I couldn’t possibly say to my Children that my suffering is worse than there’s. I could be totally wrong of course, as I said grief can’t be measured. I just know that although they have tears and extreme sadness, they still manage to get on with day to day life, partly because they have to I know, but I struggle to just get out of bed in the morning and face another bland pointless day, remembering my Soulmate, in virtually everything I do. I do the house work in tears, cry when I make tea or lunch etc. etc. So many years sharing everything with each other, finance, shopping, decorating, housework, meals…..everything that was done or discussed was as a couple, we didn’t decide on anything without discussing it. So I don’t just miss my soulmate, I miss so so much more.

you said “ I wish just once someone would get it though! “ that’s how I feel, the only people that truly get it are those on this forum. My eldest Daughter says “Onwards and upwards” when I mention an achievement, but I don’t feel I am going onwards or upwards Anywhere

I have rambled too long, I hope I haven’t said anything that will cause upset, it’s just my feelings

for my Linda

take care and keep safe

Hello Alison, 

I am so sorry to read this.

My husband passed away just 2 weeks ago  and his funeral will be on Thursday.

I cant offer a solution to your loneliness (and it is true that you can still feel lonely in a crowd) but I just want to say that Christmas is just another day! There is so much pressure on us to believe that it has to be PERFECT; the perfect day does not exist. Enjoy it as best you can, your way.

xxx Kath

I have just started out in this journey.

I agree with you - just because my husband has passed away it doesn’t mean that 24th Dec is no longer his birthday, or the 17th Aug is no longer our anniversary. We should, and will, continue to celebrate those special occasions. 

Much love and peace.

Kath

accidentally clicked on flag for moderator on my iPhone, think should be a second box “are you sure” maybe 

You are so right, there is a pressure to enjoy Christmas, from social media, advertising & even friends. But viewing it as just another day, is the safest way, that’s how I plan to face it. Will hopefully be at my eldest sons on Christmas Day, just me him and his 2 grown up kids, should be a good day. Need to treat the other festive days the same way.