Six months on …..

Wow that describes perfectly how I feel. Although I have lots of family and friends close by who have all been amazing still feel like I don’t fit. I want to go out for a walk but I want to go with Dave, I want to go to the coast but I only want to do it with Dave……

Hi Jenq

I feel just like you, six months on and  getting worse and not better. The future is no longer a dark tunnel but a solid brick wall.

Six years ago to this day we moved to our current home. Ian worked so hard to renovate it so we could enjoy our retirement together in a place we loved.  

No longer a home but I can’t bear the thought of moving away from all that we created together.

 Very tearful lately and feel so alone as we all are really in this situation. 

x Julie

Hi Jillybean

I was out a few weeks ago with a few ‘new’ friends and it felt so strange to not be with Ian. We loved our days out and holidays and all that has gone now. In a way, that was what we lived for, just being somewhere different but with each other.

That is why the future seems so bleak as I can never do that again. People say be strong and keep going but I keep asking myself why? My life has no real purpose anymore.

Julie x

Everything you have said, is a mirror image , we were childhood sweethearts and I have never been alone , the future looks scary and lonely xxx

It’s 9 weeks on Friday, since Mart passed. Do I cry as much, no, do I put one foot in front of the other, yes, but inside, I feel empty. I know I’m just going through the motions. I have a brother and a sister who have lost children, so I have kind, understanding people who want to help and support me but as lovely as it is that they ring, I find myself asking them about their problems. I know I’m probably going to feel like this for the rest of my life, it’s only the love of my daughter and granddaughter and seeing them every day that keeps me going.

Linda x

Julie, I’ve pm you x 

Hi Linda, it is also 9 weeks on Friday since my darling wife Sharon passed away. Therefore your words pretty well echo how I am feeling. Currently I am away with my older brother and our dogs in a cottage in mid Wales. My brother is my rock for sure and whilst it is nice to have a change of scenery, lots of rest and relaxation and walking, Im literally dreading Friday  because I know it will be a really bad day for me. I miss my one true love Sharon more each day, and still the tears come easily. Like you say despite the support and best efforts of others to support me, my life feels completely empty 24/7. I treasure Sharon’s ashes in their urn and they are here with me on holiday. Sharon and I quite literally lived for each other as we met later in life, my two kids both in their 30’s have their own lives to live,Sharon had no children. 
Now I worry that all I do is make those around me miserable, and so in the company of others I am pretty quiet because in my mind I feel completely lost without my Sharon, in her company I was filled with confidence because she made me feel that way. Now I do find myself asking/wondering how I will carry on feeling so lost and empty, I don’t feel I can tell my brother this for fear of upsetting him when he does so much to support me.

Take care Linda and let’s hope we can feel a little more confident  and stronger soon.

Best Wishes

Paul

Hi Paul, I guess that’s what’s so good about being able to open up on here about all the conflicting emotions and feelings. From what my sister and brother have said about their experiences, everything and anything is a natural reaction to grief, and I guess it’s another form of love, the more we love the greater the pain, we can’t stop it, but we will hopefully get used to it, they both said that time is the only thing that helps, along with the right counselling. 

We relocated down to Devon 6 months after Mart’s diagnosis, I barely know anyone but I am quite confident, I could eventually join groups etc when all this Covid stuff settles down again but right now, just can’t be bothered with the effort, maybe in time. 

I haven’t brought Mart home yet, I’m contacting undertakers today, as daft as it sounds, it makes it more real, my 6’4 handsome, lovely husband in a box, I don’t know how it will affect me.

You take care too….all my best Linda

Hi Linda,my son and I collected Gareth’s ashes yesterday and yes it does make it all seem more real. I know that is part of accepting what has happened but I think I preferred it when I still didn’t believe it had happened.This is all so surreal and Christmas doesn’t help,it just seems wrong that most people out there are happy.

Best wishes Mary

Hi Linda, I certainly would never have brought Sharon home in a cardboard box and I was not keen on the casks offered by the undertakers. I went online and found the perfect one from a company called Cherished Urns, take a look they’re handmade and I can tell you very high quality. Sharon’s favourite colour was gold and so that is the colour of her urn. They have some beautiful designs and I thought reasonable cost. I then took the urn to undertakers who transferred Sharon’s ashes for me and gave me a small amount to use for my ring I have ordered from Everwith Cremation Jewelry.

Take care everyone, and hopefully Christmas and New Year will soon be over.

Best Wishes to all,

Paul x