Am I too sensitive?

Dear Julie,

No your not being sensitive at all, some folk just say the most inappropriate things at times.  My mother said to me “aren’t you pleased Lynn died in February before March’s lockdown hit”.   I was speechless.   “Pleased” she said.   Lynn died at just 52.   I didn’t want her to die at all, not ever.

Peter x

Oh Julie, I’m sorry that you feel bad. People just don’t understand the depth of the pain, how could they if they haven’t experienced it and really, you wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.

I emailed my brother in law and sister in law last night, they have ignored my communications since 3 days before Marts funeral, when  my brother in law tested positive for Covid and I said they should do pcr tests and isolate and only attend Mart’s funeral if they are both negative, as Lynn intended to carry on as normal. Apparently, they are hurt that I ignored nhs Covid rules. The worst time of my life, my daughter’s and granddaughter’s and they feel hurt. Ffs, people are just so self focused, Mart passed away 4 weeks today, we’re all struggling. Part of me feels angry, not sure if I want selfish people in my life anymore.

You take care….big hugs xxx

It never fails to astound me what comes out of some people’s mouths my mum said to me “we just need to get 15/11/21 out of the way & then you will be able to get on with your life” I could of slapped her! I think there is a saying of engage brain before opening gob!!
xx

Dear Peter, I  repeat. Ffs why are people so insensitive, that’s awful. X

Words fail me xx

I think it’s because people don’t understand the pain we are going through, I don’t know how many times worse it is losing your partner then losing a patent, sibling etc (i know I list 2 brothers to cancer) all I k is that this is the hardest time if my life, nothing compares. 

My mother in law rang me before the funeral and said she was never coming to our house again, i thought we’ll dont flipping come to the funeral then as Rob will be leaving from here, did she expect me to change the funeral route and go and pick her up?   Needless to say not heard from her since the funeral in September.

Apart from that I do t think i’ve had any insensitive comments tbh apart from the how are you and I guess that’s standard greeting.  I just say getting there and leave it at that.

Big hugs Julie

xxx

Is there such a thing as being too sensitive in our position??  When I returned to work the first thing that someone said to me was “oo isn’t the sunshine lovely”  I was gobsmacked - did she actually think that I had even noticed it was sunny or that even if I had it would make me feel better. I try to remember that some people just don’t know that to say but if that’s the case just leave me alone. 

At least we have this safe haven where we all understand how it feels. 
Sending a hug to everyone that reads this because if you’re reading it you’re feeling the same pain as the rest of us 

Jillian x x

You most certainly are not being overly sensitive! Don't let anyone make you feel that way. Seriously, I'm not sure where some people's minds are, I really don't. Two thing I've learned in the past three years since Chris died is that 1) you find out who your true friends are after losing a spouse, and 2) some people are so uncomfortable with the thought of death that they can't deal with acknowledging it. I think that is where a lot of the insensitivity comes from. I think they figure they can carry on a conversation as if your whole world hasn't been blown apart and, in that moment of their asinine utterings, you will suddenly "snap out of it." Best to just ignore them and move on. If they are cruelly insensitive, cut them out of your life. They obviously aren't the sort of people you want around.

I think we, in the western world, need to lift the hidden taboo on conversations about death. It would be so much better if we could find a way to accept it rather than fear it. It is, after all, part of the life cycle. We all do it. In "Four Weddings and a Funeral" Matthew says, "Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in." I recently "met" a woman online who is death doula. I think this is an amazing calling. To help people feel more comfortable about death and speaking about it. 

My own daughter even says I overshare, but I find speaking about losing Chris makes it easier to deal with. Not necessarily easier to accept , but easier to recognise as something that really happened, if that makes sense.

Process your grief as you need to, ignoring the comments or criticisms that may come your way. Grief is a constant, unfortunately, but we learn, over time, to process it in a way that becomes less and less uncomfortable. The pain of the loss, I believe, never goes away. We just learn to continue to live with its presence.

Hugs to you,

Martha

Wise & wonderful words Martha - thank you xx

Hi Julie

I could rant/ list the insensitive comments I’ve had- mostly from my brother who just doesn’t get what it’s like. Just one example is that saying that he thought I would be over losing Chris, my other half since 1974, after six months. I keep contact with him to the bare minimum, just because I don’t like how it makes me feel. 

I have dear and precious friends who are far more understanding- mostly because they recognise that they don’t know what it’s like but are always there for me to mop up my tears, listen to me or just simply be there. 

I don’t think that there is such a thing as being too sensitive when you’re in the position we find ourselves in. It’s unbearable and nothing has prepared us for the aching gap we have in our lives. Yes, we learn to live with it but it’s always there and we’ll still have days where it’s all too much. 

I guess I don’t have an answer to your question. All I can do is say that it’s happened to me too- doesn’t make it better though, does it. Just try and be kind to yourself. People here do understand and are always here to listen, and often respond. 

Take care, sending hugs

Jane

x