A break in isolation but now don’t want to go home.

I don’t claim to have any words of wisdom  - my own beloved has only (only!) been dead a week and I have the ordeal of a funeral yet to come. But I think it is immensely difficult to step into a life with an aching chasm in it - everything is the same, but nothing is the same, nor ever can be again. 

It’s good that you’ve had some time to decompress and regroup - and I suspect going home will be hard. But it’s not something you can outrun. I suspect it would only be delayed, amplified pain. Your brother and his partner sound great: could you make a bit of a plan with them? To speak at certain times, perhaps. To put in some handholds for your first few days back. Because I’m learning that you can only look ahead in very small units of time or it becomes crushingly terrifying. So talk with them about your first day back - and set up a call with them at the end of that day to plan the following day. Baby steps. 

All of this is so far from easy, it’s almost laughable. Hang in there. 

My husband Mart’s funeral was also on the 4th, the difference for me is I find it hard to leave home, I just keep feeling anxious, not something I’ve felt before.
But today I decided to get in the car and drive, just to Torquay to check out where I’m having my booster, actually I was fine, until everything stopped at 11am, then the tears flowed. I just got back in the car and came home. 
Baby steps. X

Hi Paul,

very good to hear you have enjoyed your week away I have thought about doing the same but equally like feeling close to Craig when I’m at home so struggling to make any kind of decision. It sounds as though so far you have had fantastic support from your brother and I’m sure they will not abandon you over the coming weeks/ months as you adjust to walking down a new path in your life.

the forum is also here for when you need to reach out.

sending hugs

Tracey xx

8 weeks today lost my husband we used to love Sundays I hate them now, keep going over that last day,I spent his last weeks wanting him to be out of pain a suffering not realising what that meant for me but I do now,I will never be able mend what has happened to both of us,I feel guilty for making meals I know he would have loved,and to top it off all my family have started to get covid after all this time why now when we need each other.

No reply when you most need it.

Hey Jayne,

Sorry to hear how you are feeling and no reply!   I don't come on this site as often as I did in the early days. 

Just want to send you a virtual hug and let you know that you are not alone. 

It is early days for and naturally its a bit of a roller coaster. 

I am here for a liitle while if you need to chat?

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Thankyou I know what you mean keep thinking I'm ok I'm dealing with this,I don't need this support anymore but keep checking how everyone is doing,then bang it gets me again just as bad as it was in the beginning just feel like everyone has moved on and I'm still stuck x

8 weeks is no time at all. I think there will always be triggers - Sundays sound like they’re one of yours. And the covid stuff makes everything more difficult. I know absolutely nothing, but could you build yourself some different routines for a Sunday? It might help to distract you from the sadness of the difference since losing your husband. 

Hi Jayne,. 

I'm here, toilet break during sleep. Thank god for prescrip sleeping tablets. My brother gone home for few nights so I've been on my own, and it's been pure hell ! Made me realise hoow empty hpuse is without my darling Sharon

Bed is still empty and same when I wake up. Hospice gave me an excellent booklet on bereavement & grieving. The content describes perfectly how you feel at different stages of grieving process and has helped. I can share if needed..

Today alone I didn't contact anyone telling myself I didn't want a burden on friends and family, with my regular breakdowns with crying. Etc..

I feel others need their own space not the burden of my grief. Luckily my brother called and is coming over to stay Tues & We'd this week. More than this he's booked into a log cabin for 7 nights in December which gives something to look forward to.

Take care Jayne we're all here for you .

Big hug from Paul

Jayne, that is the same for all of us, I think I’m doing well then BAM i’m wallowing and ranting.  I had a day like that Saturday, gave into myself for a day and then thought I need to go out and do something Sunday so volunteered for the day.

Saturdays are my bad days as Rob died 12 weeks ago, I hate that day so much especially 19.10 the moment he passed.  

Next Saturday our best friends are coming for dinner, it will be emotional but we will raise a glass to him.

Its Ok to cry, 8 weeks is only a short time, it’s going to take a lot longer to move forward.

Glenis