Really struggling today

hi, i am so sorry to read this, it’s so heartbreaking and painful when your loved ones pass away.  I know what you mean about the clocks, I have no idea how to change the car one so it’ll have to stay 1 hour wrong for the next 6 months.

It was 10 weeks yesterday that Rob went and it hurts so much.  We had so many plans, i am 10 years older than Rob, he retired in march aged 53 and i went part time april, so we could spend more time together.  We never thought that 2 months later he would be told he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and it was palliative care only.

i am thinking about going back to work part time on another contract role as that will give me something to do but not sure if I am ready yet.  I don’t want to go back to London office and hoping they will let me work at home for the 3 days and not have to go in for 1 day a week, it’s such a long journey every day. 

I started volunteer work this week, anything to spend less time on my own thinking about what happened.  The pain just hits me at odd times, I can driving along and bam I realise I will never see my Rob again and it hurts.  The tears just don’t stop.

I am starting counselling on Friday and hopefully I will be able to speak about how I feel and felt throughout the whole 3 months from diagnose to him leaving me as I had to hide my grief from Rob and tried to be strong for him and our daughter. 

Jillybean, we all know what you are going through, whenever you need to let it all out, I do and it does help.

Glenis 

I'm in your position my husband died on the 27th Sept, he was 50,im heartbroken I can't see a way out of this I can't believe how bad you can feel and carry on it hurts so much,I too have a lovely family and the guilt you feel that even that isn't enough to stop your pain and comfort you adds to your grief and suffering, just waiting for the day I can stop shaking,sleep,and eat again,and I know exactly what you mean I need to be held by a man but it can only be him,the house is so still and silent hate our home at the moment but it's also my comfort zone it's just torment,and then I read others people's stories and I can't actually believe how cruel life is, it's just unbearable.

I can't sleep tonight, this is all so painful. 2 months now since Lorraine died of oesphageal cancer. I've had to go back to work but I have no motivation. Lorraine was scribbling in a book but only after she died did I read what she had written and it was a diary which is so sad, I have been reading it again tonight. Reading her words does make me feel close to her. She died at home and I'm always thinking of her last couple of hours, I want to remember the good times but these memories don't come back its  just the chemo, the sickness and death. My adult kids seems to be doing OK so I don't really talk to them about how I feel as I don't want to bring them down. I feel I will be forever sad, again sorry to waffle on but its only here that I feel people understand.

What do we do ?

Steve

i’m with you there Steve, also can’t sleep tonight, thinking of Rob, the only memories are of the last few days of his life.  He also died at home but I don’t sleep in the room he died in, just can’t do it.  I’ll be glad when I find my new home, maybe the memories will improve

• Fourteen months of waiting for the inevitable knowing from day one he wasn't going to get away with it,you said it right chemo,sickness and death pain suffering, cancer destroyed my husband mark,those final weeks and the last moments have damaged me beyond repair he was young and no amount of medication stopped his suffering it was torture to watch,I always thought when he's not suffering anymore ill feel better but I was wrong,I'm suffering now but there isn't any treatment for what I have so yeh what do we do.

I too am a widow at 51 yrs of age, Craig passed away only 2 weeks ago after a very short illness stage 4 lung cancer, we didn’t have all his test results back for him to start palliative chemo. I can take some comfort from the fact he passed away at home suddenly so knew nothing about it, he is out of pain, he wasn’t in hospital where I wasn’t allowed to visit, he does not have to endure months of hideous treatment. I have had days when I do not recognise my own emotions describing myself as an alien but I have started to take people up on the offer of meet ups, lunch, walks and I feel my day is better when I have things to do. I still have the funeral to get through and I have no idea if what I have put in place would be what he wants. Life has thrown me one massive curve ball but with the help of my nearest & dearest I’m determined to move forward one small step at a time and I will cry along the way. I too have no idea how to alter the timer on the lamp or the heating so I will enlist the help of people who do.

None of us wanted to be part of this horrible club but I find it very helpful reading on here. I just wish there was a small group I could meet up with face to face in my local area

sending hugs to you all xxx

Hi everyone and thank you for your replies. While I would never wish anyone else to be going through this, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in my grief. I cannot imagine how hard it must be when you have found out so soon before your partners have passed away. We had ten months after the terminal diagnosis so at least we had the chance to talk and grieve together for the future that we were losing but still the end came very quickly. The night before Dave went to his forever sleep we were sat up eating Chinese takeaway but by the next morning it became clear he was in his final hours  
He was at home (as was his wish as he was born in our house ) and with the support of the hospice and our niece we made his last few hours as comfortable as we could. He was a guitarist so we played him all his favourite songs. It is a massive comfort to me to know that although he had been having treatment for many months (chemo, radiotherapy, hormone therapy etc) he hadn’t suffered too many side effects and I am thankful that his final decline was swift so that he didn’t suffer for long. 
One day at a time is all we can do. Take care everyone xx

hi, I would also love to find a group to meet up as well but there doesn’t seem to be any at the moment.  I’ve joined the WI and my first meeting is today, the next meeting is a Christmas lunch.

I did actually manage to change the hour in the car but haven’t figured out how to change on the TV, it’s a SMART one so I thought it would be smart enough to change itself?  Neither have I worked out how to change the timer for the heating!

I didn’t have too bad a day yesterday and only cried once.

I am looking for a new home to buy but it’s so difficult when I dont know where I want to live or even what type of property.  Too much advice coming my way from well meaning friends, I need to do what’s best for me.

Take care everybody today.

How did your WI meeting go? Your right about doing what is best for you & doing it in your own good time too. Xx

hi, WI was ok, not sure it’s really for me but I’ll give it another go next month.  They had a lady in showing how to do flower arranging using flowers from your garden.  the other members seemed nice but probably all 20 years older than me.

Tomorrow is volunteering at the vaccination centre as a steward, and next week it’s back to the foodbank.  just trying to fill my days instead of watching TV it going shopping and buying things I don’t need (apart from designer hand bags which I always need!).

i decided today that I am going to return  part time on a contract role at the bank i previously worked for and that should start mid December.  again it’ll fill up some time!

Another day tomorrow