I just want him back. How long does this desperate wanting go on?

Very true Melanie, we are.  I had 24 wonderful years with Lynn, 2 children and had a fantastic wedding day.  So very precious nothing can ever take that away.   Something to hold on too

Melanie we are so very lucky to have known such love. Our nine year old great nephew asked me last week if I can get married again now. He wondered if uncle Gordon would be cross with me if I married again. I explained that all uncle Gordon would want is for me to be happy but I won’t marry again as he was my one true love. Who knows what goes through the mind of a bereaved child? Xxx

Hallo Kinexkiesmum, please don't apologise, and actually I can sew, and I'm so grateful to you. I once gave a plain cushion cover, knitted, to a friend,[ not made by me ]  and I can do that easiy, with the buttons that he sewed on, bright red ones on a grey cardiagan. He loved it.

I found a brooch I'd thought I'd lost, looked for for months, yesterday, in an unexpected place. I was in floods of tears, as it was for our 40th anniversary, and I loved it. Tears at first of happiness and relief, and then to my amazement I went into great grief, pain, at all the loss, and all the memories. I feel better today, but each day brings something. I suppose that this is where we all are, all of us on this post. I do so want to comfort all of you, as you all comfort me. Happy5.

Oh Happy5, you must have had such a mixture of emotions finding the missing brooch. I hope in time that you are able to be happy that you’ve found it again. But it’s hard, isn’t it? Glad you’re feeling better so far today. Take care, sending hugs

Jane

xx

Dear Happy5,  I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling the way you are but you’re not alone, honestly.  I could have written today, the exact words you have so I know where you’re coming from. I was on this website while my husband was ill with Bowel, liver and lung cancer but he died 14 weeks ago. I haven’t been able to join in since before that. Today is the first time and I read your post. People tell me I’m doing well. I’m planning out my week so I’m doing something every day, I’m even volunteering in the hospice where he went for pain relief initially before being discharged.  He died at home with me, in my arms and I will be forever grateful for that privilege. I have days , even moments on ‘good days’ where I feel this overwhelming emptiness and loneliness and cry silently. 

This morning, I was putting my dishes away, one knife, one fork, one plate. Then I cracked. I sat with his picture clutched to my chest and howled, I called out his name many times, I wanted to see HIM, I wanted to hear his reassuring, deep voice, I want to feel his arms around me. I want him back, I want him here, with me to start our retirement plans. I understand your pain, your agony, your grief….I don’t know if this will ever stop. I’m thinking that I’m paying the price of a deep love that I will never know again. I’ve been told that I will learn to live with it. I hope today that you are feeling brighter. I think we will have to ride these waves of grief until we are ready to face the next one. I think it’s part of the healing process and it sounds like we aren’t unusual in this.  I wish you well x 

Dear NannaFizz, Oh I am in tears . Your words are exactly my feelings, my experiences. But 14 weeks is such a little time. My 55 weeks does make a difference, but very subtle, I just am sometimes aware of a shift, I can't be specific. I am so grateful to you for sharing your experiences. It does help to read about others who are so similar...I'm in a hurry, otherwise I'd write more...Thank you, thank you, and may you find comfort in knowing how much you have helped me today.  xx  Happy5 

Dear NannaFizz and Happy5, your words match how I feel so closely too. Tomorrow would have been our 45th wedding anniversary- and I am dreading it. We had plans to go away- to PortMeirion in honour of Chris’ fondness for Sixties cult TV series. My stepmum is coming to keep me company but at the end of the day, I’ve got to somehow get through it myself. The one person who could make this bearable just isn’t here to help me through this. I know this unbearable pain and emptiness is because we were blessed but some days that just doesn’t help. 
As you say, Happy5, it helps to know that I’m not alone, so thank you both for that.

Take care, sending hugs

Jane

x

Hi everyone,

I have no words, but want you to know I am here reading and thinking of you all.

️️ 

Donna x

Hi Rach15104, I have a cushion with my husbands face on it too, it’s a great comfort most of the time.  Hes with me on our bed, on bad days like today when I’m home and can’t face the world, he is positioned looking at me and I talk to him all the time.  He died in April too. I’m surrounded by his photo’s and his essence all the time. I talk to him constantly but today I needed him with me and I plunged the depths of despair again.  I hope you are ok? It’s bad enough losing our husband’s without you having to go through a cancer battle too. I was having tests also when my husband was still alive but at least he got to know that I was probably ok, which thankfully I am. I’m sending you the strength to help you (and all of us) to get through hour to hour. It’s the only way x 

Oh Jane, I want to wish you both a happy anniversary for tomorrow x  It will be our 19th wedding anniversary on 16th although we were together longer.  My husband died late April, it was his birthday at the beginning of June, mine in July and now our wedding anniversary coming up. So many ‘firsts’ without him in quick succession.  I had friends to spend his birthday with but in the end I opted to stay alone. I spent my birthday at a close friends house but sobbed when I came home the next day.  For our anniversary I have booked a table for lunch for me and two very close old friends of ours. They understand that I probably don’t want to be on my own but then, I want to be on my own with my memories of our fabulous wedding day. I know that sounds contrary but I have tried to find a happy medium. He wouldn’t want me to be alone on such a special day totally, so I had to find a compromise.  Will it hurt? Yes. Am I prepared? No. Will I be strong enough to face the day without him? I don’t know but I’ll try.  You will get through your day, like I will get through ours. We have to, we have no choice and we need to do them proud x I will be thinking of you x