I just want him back. How long does this desperate wanting go on?

Hi 

I can honestly say with all of my heart what and how you are feeling is totally because of such love you have shared and still have with your husband. 

It is over three and a half years since my husband has passed and honestly every time I wake ( if I sleep at all ) I reach out expecting him there next to me ! My first thought is him on a morning and my last thought at night plus constantly throughout each day ! 
I ask him to help me cope as best I can with him still at my side and with me every other way than the physical being. I truly have to believe he is near as I know  he promised me he would not leave me . We had 38 years of pure love, joy , happiness, arguments, disagreements and laughter along with everything else and I honestly know we would not change a thing !  We were always together, our hearts entwined and we still are. 
Even our Cancer , I say ours because we were and always will be ‘ as one ‘  we would not want or wish these immense feelings upon anyone but then if we didn’t feel and know ‘our love ‘ we wouldn’t experience such pain! 
I promised my husband I would be the strongest I can be for our two sons and some days I have managed that at times but to be in this awful ‘ Groundhog Day ‘ of loneliness and actually feeling physical pain of longing for him truly has not changed. I have simply learnt to be just in the moment as to do a full day is simply too difficult! 
It is only recently I have actually reached out to my family and friends and my GP and said out loud I am not coping, I can certainly put my ‘ face on ‘ but deep inside I needed support . This has been truly helpful for me as now I feel I don’t have to put an act on to make others feel better quite so much. 
I know I will be back properly with my husband one day and I truly feel I can’t wait, the despair in grief is all consuming but please if I can give one bit of advice is just do one step at a time and reach out when you can to those who will help, love and support you xx 

Hi 

I can honestly say with all of my heart what and how you are feeling is totally because of such love you have shared and still have with your husband. 

It is over three and a half years since my husband has passed and honestly every time I wake ( if I sleep at all ) I reach out expecting him there next to me ! My first thought is him on a morning and my last thought at night plus constantly throughout each day ! 
I ask him to help me cope as best I can with him still at my side and with me every other way than the physical being. I truly have to believe he is near as I know  he promised me he would not leave me . We had 38 years of pure love, joy , happiness, arguments, disagreements and laughter along with everything else and I honestly know we would not change a thing !  We were always together, our hearts entwined and we still are. 
Even our Cancer , I say ours because we were and always will be ‘ as one ‘  we would not want or wish these immense feelings upon anyone but then if we didn’t feel and know ‘our love ‘ we wouldn’t experience such pain! 
I promised my husband I would be the strongest I can be for our two sons and some days I have managed that at times but to be in this awful ‘ Groundhog Day ‘ of loneliness and actually feeling physical pain of longing for him truly has not changed. I have simply learnt to be just in the moment as to do a full day is simply too difficult! 
It is only recently I have actually reached out to my family and friends and my GP and said out loud I am not coping, I can certainly put my ‘ face on ‘ but deep inside I needed support . This has been truly helpful for me as now I feel I don’t have to put an act on to make others feel better quite so much. 
I know I will be back properly with my husband one day and I truly feel I can’t wait, the despair in grief is all consuming but please if I can give one bit of advice is just do one step at a time and reach out when you can to those who will help, love and support you xx 

Hi Happy 5 

I am sorry I am new to the site and only learning how to ‘ the post ‘ 

I have tried to reply to your comment but I think it has gone right to the bottom of page ? 
please know you are not alone and every step you are taking is amazing xx 

Dear Smiley1234, I understand every word that you are saying. I send you all my love and support. Thank you for sharing your real feelings about your loss.  I do hope that you find some relief from the  despair and the giref.This is what we all need, to greater or lesser degrees. Sharing here with others such as you really helps me, Thank you, so much. Love,Happy5.

Smiley1234 Hi. 
I have just read your post. And everything you say so sounds like me. My wife passed just over two years ago. And from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep, all I can think about is her. If she was here now , what would she be doing, what would we be planning to do at the weekend, everything we did together. 

we had 43 years of marriage, fun , sorry, arguments , but so much joy. The joy in life is gone , like you I get through each day the best I can , but life seems pointless now. I still hate going where we used to go as a couple , not interested in holidays anymore. And yes every day is Groundhog Day. The pain that we carry around in our chest never seems to leave. I know she is around all the time , and talk to her at night and during the day. As you said , I am looking forward to be reunited with my darling wife one day. 

one step at a time is all we can do. 
Take care 
Mike. 

Hi Mike

I know exactly what you mean about the pain in our chest , it feels so intense at times it is as if it is coming straight through our back doesn’t it . 
This is like no other pain but to be honest I try my best to see it as it hurts this much only because we loved and still love so deeply ! 
I have had well meaning family and friends saying ‘ come on it is time you did this or do that but to be truthful with the greatest of respect they just don’t understand the intensity of the overwhelming ache for my husband to be here home again.

I speak about my husband and to my husband every day, although he is physically not here I truly believe in every other way he is, he has always been my other half as one whole us together, I know he always will be. If I get asked if I am married I say yes because I am and always will be - I was once informed well you aren’t really now ! This absolutely floored me as I honestly am married and always will be to my amazing husband! My family have expressed their worry and concern as I still refer to my husband in the ‘ present ‘ not the past in most situations and I still sign family birthday cards from us both as we are still ‘ us’ I feel truly that others don’t seem to understand this but for me it is right and it is the only way I can be . I feel strongly why should I be made to feel I have to change my feelings and actions simply because others can’t seem to understand? I will always wholeheartedly love my husband and it will always be us - not I 
Hope you manage to be the best you can be in each step you take, as always one step at a time, take care 

Hello everyone. Your comments have really resonated with me this last week or so. On Tuesday we celebrated our wedding anniversary - I say we because as far as I’m concerned it will always be our anniversary. He will always be my husband and even  the years before us were just us waiting for each  other. Sometimes I cope and get through the days and find myself smiling or  even laughing out loud, other days I yell and scream. Most days I’m just calm and quiet. The main thing is I miss him yet I truly believe he is by my side. I suppose what works for one doesn’t have to work for another.

Take care everyone and thank you all for being there.

June x

Hi June

I totally understand when you say you miss your husband and yet you truly know he is by your side! 
I feel so lucky and blessed that we have had and still have our love and each other as one 

Hope you managed a smile for you both on your Wedding anniversary, sending love and kindness take care 

I feel the same as all of you. It is such a support. I say'our daughters' , not 'my', it is still 'us'.I was chopping some vegetables in the kitchen yesterday, and I asked myself, 'when is  he  going to come and help me?', only to realise that...well, you all know...I can't bear to write or say some expressions...and yes, he is here with me. I love him so much.   Thank you for what you are all writing.  A big hug  to you all.

My heart goes out to you.  I only lost my husband to liver cancer back in April.  I have just been away on my own and cried everyday because he wasn’t with me.  Had my own cancer battle too - life is brutal !  It’s the little things that will trigger your pain and grief - you just have to run with it.  It is alright to feel how you are feeling.  I have surrounded myself with pictures of my husband and have a cushion with his face on to cuddle which I find soothing.  Sending you a virtual hug Xx