My husband passed away 2 weeks ago unable to cope

Hi Gentlewaves

Like you, my husband only passed away recently  and I still can’t believe what has happened. We were promised a year but only had 7 weeks and the end came so swiftly that even the medical staff were surprised.

I can’t imagine a future without him and today all I could think about was what he would never do again. Simple things like walking along a beach or having a coffee sat by our favourite river.

I feel numb most of the time and just get through each day as best I can. Tears come out of the blue and yet other times, I can smile and laugh. I now have Covid,  caught from my nephew at the funeral, and I just think something else to deal with as nothing comes close  to my sense of loss.

I’m sorry to read that the final few weeks were so difficult but you did all you could and he would have known that. 

Take care of yourself and cry if you want to.

Hi Tricieone

thankyou for your reply. Sorry for your loss. I have tears come from no where especially when telling someone for the first time and when someone shows kindness. When I look at photos and come across a belonging. I can’t remember happy times at the moment as it is all so sad, and I can only remember the times he had symptoms and at the end when he was suffering. It is still like a dream, nightmare just makes me feel so so sad and very lonely even when with other people but is worse when I am alone and especially in the evening night and weekends.

how are you feeling now? 

Jenny 

Hi Gentlewaves,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

It sounds like COVID had a huge impact on your husband's treatment as he was not given Chemotherapy when, in fact, under normal circumstances, they would have given Chemo and radiation together.

I am really sorry as well that your husband's final hours were so difficult and probably painful because there was no pain medication available. That's very sad and I can understand how this makes you cry.

Do you have support from family and friends around you, people who you can talk to about all of this?

I am so glad you have found this forum here as here we all understand and we can be absolutely open when talking about our thoughts and feelings around our loved one's death. Many of us find this most helpful. So please keep posting here and know that we are all here for you.

Lots of love

Mel

Hello Mel, 

Thanks for your reply I am seeing friends and family although it helps a lot I am still struggling and feel very lonely. The local hospice have a walk every month for bereaved and I’m wondering if it would be a good idea. Have you had experience of this or opinion .

jenny 

The feeling you describe are so horribly familiar to us I’m sorry you lost your husband. The feeling of guilt is a nasty side of grief please try not to dwell on it. The love you had for your husband is clear to me a forum strangers in what you have written. He would have felt that love. I hope you begin to find comfort so you can work through your grief. X 

Hi Jenny

It was a month ago that I posted here and I wish I could say things are better but sadly, they are not. I am on my own now as my son and family are back in Spain and my daughter in London.

Tears come more frequently and an overwhelming sense of grief just washes over me. Ian passed away just over 8 weeks ago and I feel his loss more and more each day. I just can’t accept that I will never see him again and that his future was so cruelly and quickly taken away from him.

I met a friend for coffee yesterday and all was fine until I decided to stop on the way home and do some food shopping. This just brought home that I was on my own and the loneliness that brings.

Like  you, I can’t remember the happy times. All I can remember is Ian crying and saying he didn’t want to die when he was given a terminal diagnosis and then watching him die just 7 weeks later as we were  about to take him home from the hospital by ambulance.

I'm thinking of grief counselling but don’t think I could talk about my feelings without dissolving into tears. I’m doing just that whilst writing this but at least nobody can hear or see them.

Take care, x Julie

I 

Hello Julie,

I just wanted to say that grief counselling is very helpful. Of course you will dissolve in tears and that is nothing to be concerned about, and it most certainly shouldn't keep you from seeking that help. Trying to cope with this on your own can be so hard and the fact that you are thinking about counselling indicates that you know in your heart that it would be a good thing to do. Talking about it with someone who can help you cope is the most important self-care you can give yourself now. I have gone back to grief counselling at least three times since my husband died almost three years ago. It helps. It doesn't "cure" it and it doesn't mean you still won't feel the raw pain, but it's nice to have someone say you are doing okay and that everything you feel is perfectly normal. What isn't normal is having to live without the love of your life.

Please be kind to yourself and do all you can to make things easier. As I said, the pain and grief won't go away. I'm coming to the conclusion that grief is a constant companion after bereavement. But there are ways to help yourself get through the saddest days. And I promise the days will come when you will find yourself laughing and smiling at a memory that makes you feel happy rather than sad. 

Much love,

Martha

x

Hi Julie, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I feel exactly the same as you I have tears come from no where when I think of my husband and he is on my mind constantly from when I wake up until I eventually go to sleep. I feel extremely lonely and even when I am with friends I feel very sad and miss him desperately. I went with some friends to a pub that we use to go to before we got married. It was so so hard I almost burst out crying many times and felt sad the whole time. I have had a counsellor from the hospice whilst Mike was ill and had two sessions since he passed away, not had any for four weeks due to the counsellor being away but will continue next week. Difficult to know if it has helped as grief so overwhelming. However, I do feel it is helpful speaking to someone who is not family/friend and do get very tearful during the sessions. I would like to find a bereavement group or speak to people in the same position as myself. I have joined a fb group where some members have managed to meet up and say it has helped tremendously, unfortunately I can’t find anyone who lives near to me. 
I would say it is always good to talk so if you can get a bereavement counsellor you should try a session, hopefully it will help. Take care thinking of you grief is a terrible thing and the immense sadness for the person whose life ended xx 

Hi Julie,

I am sorry you have been feeling even worse than in the beginning on this journey with bereavement. I don't think it's surprising though. The first few days and weeks it couldn't really sink in, it was just a huge shock. Bu as time passes, you understand more and more the reality of what has happened - not only your head understands but also your heart and your whole being - and that makes you feel the grief a lot more. It was the same for me, and I dare say it is the same for many on here.

I understand from your post that you are not sure about counselling. I understand that. Some people find it helpful, but I know many, myself included, who didn't really find it helpful because, while it was nice to talk about it all for an hour and have somebody listening to me with love and compassion, I didn't learn anything new, she didn't give me strategies to cope better or something like that, I basically spoke to her about what I was feeling and thinking anyway if that makes sense. But maybe that was a good thing, who knows. You could give it a go and see what happens.

What are you doing at the moment to fill your days?

Lots of love

Mel

Hi Mel

Thank you for replying to my post. I am struggling as this week has been the first time I’ve been on my own since Ian passed away 9 weeks ago. 
I have met two friends for coffee but I spend a lot of my time, as I am now, sat by our favourite river with a take away coffee.  My friends live over an hour’s drive away and this was the first time I’ve been with anyone who wasn’t family.

Ian and I were so close that we spent our days wandering across Dartmoor or on day trips to the coast. Ian was more involved in the local community than I was and I know he would have coped better if our roles had been reversed as I wish they were.I woke up today hoping everything was just a nightmare and that my life would return to normal….

I don’t really like being in the house during the day and so just get in the car and drive, usually ending up where I am now.

I do have a supportive family but my son lives in Spain, my daughter in London and my sister over a two hours drive away.I may have to move but it will be so hard to leave all the memories as Ian put in so much hard work renovating  our bungalow over the last five years since we moved here.

Counselling might help but I know why I cry everyday, that I should take each day as it comes and the fact nothing can change what has happened.  As you can can appreciate it’s not easy  and I just feel so tired all the time.

Take care and thank you for listening,

Julie x