Bad day

Hi Tivvy & all 

As all the lovely people on here have said, it’s ok to have as many bad days as you need! 

I’m saying this to myself as much as to you because I’ve had a particularly bad day today (sadly all are bad then some more than others) and I know it’s with not sleeping well despite taking my pills last night. I did have only one tiny glass of wine though so thinking it’s not just my pills helping me sleep just now...

I somehow, in my head, beat myself up for feeling this low and it’s only six weeks since I lost my husband!!! Why am I doing that?? I say over and over to others it’s ok yet in my own head I’m secretly punishing myself for being so sad ALL THE TIME. I can’t remember what my face looks like without having cried all the time. 

I like to be positive. I suffer with mild depression but I control that and despite the contradiction this sounds, I’m a positive person! Plus David made me laugh!! He was such a joker and he could make me smile even when I didn’t really want too. His sense of humour was a big part of why I fell in love with him. I miss him so so much. 

It really is like the sun has gone out of my life and I can’t see a way of ever feeling that beautiful sun ever again. I want too. I really do. But so far that seems impossible. 

I love the thought of your husbands smiley face picture helping you. I have a lot of those of David I just hope I can look at them again soon as I can’t even face that yet. 

Hoping for that peace for us all xx 

Oh I am so sorry that you feel so rough. Xxxx

The photos are the hard bit, aren’t that? There are so many I just cannot look at. The imposed pandemic isolation is the final nail in the coffin for me. I am spending all day alone and the lack of any social interaction is just leaving me alone with my thoughts far too much.

Oh MyPineapple, so sorry you’ve had a bad day today. It’s such early days for you- be kind to yourself and don’t worry, or try not to, about the days that are rubbish. It’s 25 weeks for me today and I’m still struggling each evening and going to bed alone. Don’t think I’ll ever get used to having to lock up and switch all the lights off- it was always Chris who did that! 
I hope you can get to the point of looking at your photos of your precious David soon- I’m sure they will bring comfort eventually and remind you of all the happy memories. I suspect there will still be tears- but some of them will be happy tears.

Sending virtual hugs

Jane

xx

Xxx

Hi, it's 16 weeks for me now and I have lots of bad days and cry most days. But I'm trying to learn that it doesn't matter, it's going to be like this.

I think I expected too much too soon from myself, but how could I think I would be OK in a matter of weeks??

It really is a rollercoaster. I went back to work today, it went OK. But when I came home I felt awful because John wasn't there like he used to be. I didn't expect that curveball!

I can't look at photos yet or listen to most music. In time I hope I can have all the lovely photos of John all around the house.

Love and strength to Al xx

Hello Sarah21

I’m really struggling with music too and as someone who would have either the radio or CDs playing constantly, it’s very strange. When I’ve tried listening to the radio, I spend more time switching it off than managing to listen. 
Sending hugs

Jane

xx

 x

Hi MyPineapple, Tivvy and all,

It’s only eight weeks for me, and I am also good at telling everyone else to be kind to themselves but then I forget to do it for myself. This really is the toughest thing that we’re likely to go through in our lives and we really do have to be kind to ourselves and don’t expect too much too quickly. I don’t think we can ever get over losing our soulmates I just think we have to learn to live with the loss. 

Sometimes I go out with my dog where theres no one else around and I put on the saddest music I can think of (like her funeral songs or songs I’d put on when she was passing away) and I just sob my heart out until I can’t cry any longer. I even looked at her photos on my phone tonight for the first time since her passing and that turned out to be a double whammy and I had a massive crying fit, and I had to stop looking at the photographs straight away. I do feel these outbreaks (for the want of a better word) do help me a little bit.

I’m just trying to let you know that I also feel sad all of the time and I also can’t ever imagine being happy again without her in my life, but all I know is; we have to try to carve out a new life somehow and not just for ourselves but also as a mark of respect to the memory of our loved ones and for our families who are also suffering.

So I’m going to say it again........”Please be kind to yourself” as we all need to be. So thats you, me and all of these lovely people who read and write these heartfelt posts.

I do hope we all find peace one day, Ian x

Sending hugs, to you Ian and everyone else here

Jane

xx

Morning Ian 

As always, thank you for sharing. 

I wholeheartedly agree about the immense pain yet the want inside to carve out a new life somehow. Holding our loved ones forever close in our hearts, feeling their love & strength guiding us on. We can but keep trying. 

Peace & strength to all xx