Monday blues

Thank you,

I was a cruse volunteer until Rob got his diagnoses last July. I would like to think I helped many people, but hard to tell yourself when become in that situation. 

Donna

Hello Donna

What a beautiful garden. It sounds as if we’re in a similar position- my lovely garden is lovely because of the hours Chris spent out there, especially last year in lockdown. It’s now up to me to ensure it stays beautiful because I owe it to him to show that I can! He always doubted it and would tease me about my lack of skill/knowledge. Have to confess that I’ve decided to get someone in to do the hard stuff and the son of a friend is going to come and cut the grass for me. Hopefully I can manage the rest. The first big project- replacing the hedge with a fence- is one we talked about together, before his diagnosis, so that was a relatively easy move to make. But it is hard and I’ve had those ‘Why bother?’ moments too- and I cope (in the loosest sense of the word) by thinking that it’s something I can do for the person who meant so much to me for such a large part of my life. 
Take care and perhaps take small steps

Sending hugs

Jane

xx

Couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said MyPineapple. On here it’s the one place I feel I don’t have to be brave or strong or appear to be coping because everyone here knows the pain we’re going through, even if we deal with it in different ways. 
Sending hugs 

Jane

xx

Ooh what a beautiful garden! He’ll be proud of you for keeping it looking good. I know it’s not easy, as I say I really can’t be bothered to finish the porch & front garden but knowing Dave would want me too gives me the push. Xx

I get that Donna. Advice is easier to give than take. Have you had any help/counselling yourself? 

This is the message/reply I wrote last week, which disappeared.

No i haven't had counselling as such, I have rang Macmillan support a few  times and they have rang me a couple of times. Then a "well being" lady rings once a month from the doctor's.

I will have counselling if I think I need it, but believe at present what I am feeling ect is normal, that I don't want to feel any other way and happy (not good word) to feel this way. Why not, it's trauma, changes whole life, and had no control over the outcome 

I am still waiting for the outcome of the PALS enquiry re Robs care and the DNR, should hear by end of the month. Also still lots to do with the WILL and solititors yet, so will see how I feel then.

Take care 

Donna

Hi Donna

Yes what you (all of us) are feeling is normal that is for sure. 

I am not seeking counselling myself to feel ...happier or 'get over' Dave's passing. I think that is a natural process but what I do want help with is the 'trauma'. The last week of Dave's life, well the eleven days in hospital were really hard too but then when he came home it was 8 days later he passed and that week was horrendous. What happened, what I witnessed, what was said, what wasn't said ALL of it haunts me. I feel it's stopping me moving into the grieving properly because I can't get that 'trauma' out of my head. 

As David was diagnosed with secondary cancer on January 6th and died February 28th it was all so quick and a complete living nightmare. 

I heard today I start my counselling on Thursday and have six session. Goodness knows what happens after six... guess I'm supposed to have worked through the trauma by then?? we shall see. I can then look to pay for counselling if I want to do more. These charities that do free bereavement counselling can only do so much and there is so much need. Sadly. 

These sessions may do nothing for me whatsoever but I have to try. 

xx

Hi MyPineapple and all on this thread,

I am sorry the last week was so traumatic for you. And I am glad to hear you can start your counselling on Thursday. My own experience is that the counselling didn't really help me with processing the trauma because, at the end of the day, it was still me having to go through it all in my own head and come to terms or try to come to terms or if you will get used to the memories, and what I found a lot more helpful than counselling was to talk to family and especially very close friends about it because somehow my experience was that each time I spoke about it it got a little easier and I realised a little more that many people have gone through what I have gone through in the final days of Paul's life and that what made this so extremely traumatic for me was that I was so afraid of how I would feel and what would happen if I told anyone.

Love and hug

Mel

Hi Mel, and all on this thread

I have now been told I start my counselling tomorrow!! I have no idea if talking to a counsellor will help or not. It won't be a quick fix that's for sure. I did talk of that final week -at first- with my sister, she was there to witness some of it first hand. It's just odd things that happened and were said that were just so sad and make me totally heartbroken to relive that I just feel I want to talk that through with a counsellor and/or with a friend fully and then try not to 'go back there'. 

My grief will continue, the total heart break of David not being around anymore, the emptiness and years ahead without him and all we had planned to do. All of that isn't going anywhere, I can talk forever about that and it will still be what it is!! I just hope that bit easier to live with as time passes. I can only hope.

The trauma though, watching someone you love dying in front of your eyes like that, that I feel I need to somehow 'work on'. He went from being totally fine on January 6th when we got the news, he wasn't feeling ill then at all to dying a shell of himself by 28th February!!!

Might not do a thing for me to get counselling, I really don't know. I can only see how it plays out. 

Lots of love and strength always to us all.

xx