My Husband died 15 weeks ago

Xxxx

Memories, can’t live with them, wouldn’t want to be without them.

Songs on the radio or in the supermarket are still what trips me up the most. Sometimes they make me smile, like Claire’s sending me a gentle nudge or a hug, but other times they just hit me hard. It’s like the world is suddenly full of potholes and you just never know when you’re going to fall in one. It happens less as time goes on, to be sure, but more often than I would have thought.

All in all, I’m glad to have the moments of remembering, even if it brings a few tears, rather than stuffing everything down just to get through a ‘dry’ day out in the world. Totally worth it . 

Hello MyPineapple 

I know what you mean about fighting going back to the last horrendous week. I have really struggled to move past the ghastly memories of the last days, especially as Chris was in hospital and I was unable to be with him. But I’m tortured by the what ifs and if only I’d done this of his final hours. But I am starting to sometimes think of better times and remember them- so maybe my tears will start to be happy tears for what we shared.

Take care

Jane

xx

Hello Erniescot, I struggle with songs too. When collecting my new glasses recently, one of the songs from Chris’ funeral came on the radio. I held it together, just, until I left the shop but wandered back to the car with tears streaming down my face! Definitely a pothole that I fell in!

Jane

xx

 Eloquently put sir x

Oh lordy, you did well to keep your composure that long! Funeral songs definitely fall like a tonne of bricks - luckily the one I hear most often from Claire’s funeral is one that brings a smile (Bob Marley, ‘Three Little Birds’) but I know it’s not like that with all of them.

For me, I like to think these moments are signs - a wee hello, maybe even a reminder or a nudge in the right direction. Maybe Chris was letting you know he liked your new glasses? 

Thank goodness for waterproof mascara! Couldn’t live without mine now.

Big hug to you Jane, Eryn xx

Although I, just now at this stage have to play ping pong with thoughts of Dave in my head so the final week doesn’t rear itself, sadly doesn’t mean I get dry days out in the world. I have been crying everyday so far. Each day I think maybe today I won’t cry... not happened yet.  

Hi Jane 

Yes it’s hard but we have to try. I don’t at least torture myself about ifs because my wonderful sister (who sadly went through losing her husband too 17 years ago) told me that was just too too much and I’ve (we’ve) enough heartache without adding to it! So I hope you can stop that Jane, your husband knew without a shadow of a doubt that you loved him and he’d hate for you to add to your grieving with those thoughts. 
We’re told our loved ones wouldn’t want us sad, well yes I agree they wouldn’t but they knew us and know we will be heartbroken BUT they definitely wouldn’t want us torturing ourselves over what ifs!!
That’s how I cope to not ‘go there’ just need something to not go there at all about that final week!!  I’ll keep getting up each day and trying.

Strength to all. 
xx 

Oh I think you did amazing waiting till you got out! Xx

Thank you MyPineapple. What you say does make sense and I think I’ll keep coming back to these wise words of yours! (And I don’t think I’ve had a dry day yet- and it’s over 23 weeks. On a good day, I hold it together until those awful moments at the end of the day) 

Thank you again for your understanding and you kind words

Jane

xx