week 6 and 3 days after losing my Lesley

Mark,

I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m also so sorry for all the other ladies and gentlemen that have lost their loved ones on this site. I have read over the past few nights story’s just like yours and to be honest like mine too, and just like you, I feel totally lost and I cry all the time as I simply miss her so much that my stomach is constantly feeling churned up and my heart has broken. I’ve lost loved ones before like my mam and dad but losing my soulmate has just flattened me completely and for the first time in my life I feel depressed and just like you I’m also struggling to cope.

On the 14th February I lost my wife, best friend and soulmate Marie whom I loved for 40 years we’d been together before we were 18 years old and I was expecting to grow old together but alas that will never happen and I will keep on loving her until we meet up again, but in the meantime what will I do without her and thats the scary part. I feel just like you and your story and feelings resonate with me and I’m sure with so many others on the site. We all have one thing in common, which is we’re all at a loss and are struggling to cope with the loss of our loved ones. I personally have never felt anything like the pain I feel and I hope I don’t have to feel anything like it again, as it is unbearable at times. 

I just want to see her beautiful face again but then I realise I’ll never be able to and then I panic at the prospect of spending the rest of my life without her and it hurts even more. I take each day minute by minute as it scares me to think any further into the future than this time period. I know I have to start to live again as I know thats what our loved ones would want us to do, but at the moment that seems a long way off. Luckily I have a lovely dog and wonderful kids and that gives me a purpose to get out of bed but without them I think I’d be quite happy to stay there.

I do hope we all start to live again one day as I know thats what our loved ones would want us to do. For now I hope you all find peace, Kind regards Ian x 

Ian I truly appreciate the kind words and thoughts   I’m sorry for your loss it’s bloody awful this feeling.   I hope that you’re having more good days than I     

I have a added complication of it was Lesley who owned the house and I have to leave it because we wasn’t married and she had made a new will wanting it to go to our children. Now so that I wouldn’t bring another woman into it.   Sad but I’m struggling with that also at 53 I’m shiting myself. My two daughters knew she had changed her will which I felt betrayed by.  One of which I’m being forced out. I could contest it but I’m not in a financial position.   So not only do I have the grief I also have the worry to find somewhere to live.  It’s a mess I don’t want to change my home of 28 years but have to because of the stupid law.  I have no rights apparently.  Anyway before I start on that.  Thanks again for listening. Regards Mark. 

Mark, that truly is a awful position for you to be in, and I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’d like to think that the girls would give you some time to get your life together before you have to leave the property as I’m sure thats what Les would have wanted for you. I wish I had some wise words for you but you must feel absolutely gutted and my heart goes out to you. 

Kind regards Ian

Hi everyone in this thread,

Oh how my heart goes out to you all this evening as I am reading all your posts.I am so sorry for your losses. It is so good you have found this group where you can come and share and ask for support.

I don't know how I would have survived The first couple of months without this group.

I am sending a virtual hug to you all!

Love, Mel

Thanks Mel, and a virtual hug to you and everyone else who’s struggling and especially Mark

Hi Plymouth,

I wanted to respond to your post. Your post so echoes how I felt when I lost my wife 4 months ago. One of the responses says that the only way is 'through'. . .keep telling yourself that, as things do change and you will 'get through' each day. Hold on during these dreadful days, this is 'going through'. This agony, this crippling grief is to be expected but crucially, your feelings for your wife never change but the way you respond really does slowly change. It's so soon for you that the agony comes flooding out your message. My wife was the centre of our family, the laughter, the relaxation, the support, my life. The What ifs, the house and home, I still find it hard to get up in a morning, all these things I recognise and acknowledge, the desperation, confusion and loss of purpose. 

How do we manage without that letter, without that support from our other half, without that direction from them. It terrified me too. My wife was so capable, so essential, so vital and so much of me, I too felt bewildered, adrift and so isolated. I didn't get a letter. I didn't get to talk through issues with my wife - I expected her to live, not die and we never got to sort out what to do.  Doesn't matter what I say, your wife and your relationship was so special and so individual it's hard to accept others' assurances at the moment. I found the confusion, at first, didn't allow me to let these things through. 

There's lots of wonderful advice from others here, lots of support and direction for you to respond to and do try to accept the suggestions for extra support. I've had a bereavement counsellor and that has been a massive help.

But hold onto this whilst you go through the torment - every day tiny things will change. One day you will do something which right now feels impossible or unlikely. When that tiny task gets done it will add to the change and feelings you're going through and slowly, very slowly, you'll find that 'going through' isn't the totally impossible future you face. Believe me, I embrace your feelings now and I couldn't believe things could change. Not the feelings for and about my amazing wife, be assured they do stay the same but my response and feelings about the days ahead, I was able to, eventually, tell myself, from time to time, that I could handle parts of this catastrophic change (and the times when I am impossibly sad; I get through them).

It's so soon for you, Plymouth. My heart goes out to you and your wife. Keep reaching out for support, accept the awful inevitability of your grief but hold on to the message from others that they can make sense of how you are feeling, recognise your agony but want to reassure you that 'going through' happens and makes a difference. Hold on tight, you will see. . .

But it's hard.

Mark (Plymouth)

I've only just seen the post about your circumstances. That's a dreadful situation for you whilst you're going through your grief. I hope that some agreement between you and your daughters can provide an answer to all your needs. 

I do understand what you are saying Frank T , I lost my Nick 14 weeks ago I have ok days not good but ok is positive. I still am unable to look at photos and block memories although I am finding myself glimpsing at them now so I look at that as my train is pulling out of the station. Oh Mark our grief is hard enough without added worries I really hope the girls find compassion and work with you. What an amazing supportive group of people , when I first posted back in October I said what a bright shining light it was to find this amazing group at a very dark time, little did I see how darker it got, but the light of these supportive posts has got me through, hugs to all of you xx

Thank you for sharing Frank. 
I’ve just woke (finally got a decent sleep...I think) reading your words this morning gives me hope for the “getting through” 

Allison xx