week 6 and 3 days after losing my Lesley

Hello Plymouth10

My heart goes out to you! The fact you’ve reached out on here is good. Do you have other numbers for MacMillan and Samaritans etc? You need to reach out when you feel this low. 

I lost my husband on 28th February and his funeral is tomorrow. I am completely devastated and not ready to have the funeral as it all went so quick and feels unfinished! 
I’m getting help from my GP and a place called Beechwood because I too don’t want to live without Dave like you without Lesley but I’d never put my family & friends who love me through that but us saying that we don’t want to be here is the depth of the hurt and sadness we feel so it’s normal to voice this! 

You are not alone, this site, sad as it is to say, is full of people feeling like you and we are all here trying to help. 
We all know nothing can take the pain away, it’s not something we get around either, the only way is through!!! 
I’m saying all this to you right now to say it to myself because I really do feel that same intense pain & sadness. I’m just trying right now to make it through each day!

Keep talking, reaching out! X

Hi Pllyouth10

It is hard, i am fifteen months down the line,  i have to say it is still hard at times things hit you from no where, the sadness starts to disappear, though can still  hit you as well.

I do have a little giggle to my self mainly when i look at Tom's photos and talk to him, it helps me to get threw i tell him everything that has happened that day good or bad.

You have some lovely photos there they will help you get threw remember the happy times, a lot of people never have happy memories we do.

Use the site as great group of people here though different time scales, but we have or are going threw how you fill at this moment in time.

Take Care Ellie x

Not sure I have any words that will help.

But wanted to say, I wanted a letter, still do, my Rob didn't say his feelings but I felt them very much. The day he died we were having a conversation about a bed coming for downstairs where we were going to put it, he calapsed and died during a 10 minute period out of my sight. I found him dead. That sight will never leave me.

Some days are really crap, believe me. Some days I feel I can't do this, but I know I can and have to.

Rightly or wrongly i have done things and it only 7 weeks 3 days since he died. ( Sorry if it offends people when I use the word "died" I work with bereaved children so use died as other words are miss leading especially for young children) so I have moved furniture, (often move it back) making the house mine, I have to live here. Brought new coffee table, painted the hallway, attending to his beloved garden and dog with passion. These are things that were put on hold when Rob was diagnosed. I believe he would approve of the little things I have done. Shows I coping when underneath I really aren't.

Not sure all that makes sense

Take care

Donna

Hello all

Oh how my heart goes out to you all. This is such an awful place to be and I don’t have words to make it any better. It’s 143 days since I lost Chris and there isn’t a day goes by where my heart doesn’t feel as if it’s in a million pieces. I would have loved a last conversation- one more chance to tell him how special he is and how much I love him. I did tell him often but I wanted to keep telling him because he always felt he’d not been romantic enough, that he could have done more. He couldn’t but he worried about that. (I blame his father but that’s another story) 
I talk to him all time but then get upset that I can only imagine his responses. This week I’ve got round to swapping the car- something that had been on out ‘to do’ list for two years- but I had knee surgery in 2019, lockdown hit last year and then our lives were turned upside down in July through to October. But I’ve bought the car we talked about getting so I hope he’s smiling down on me. 
But it’s all so very hard- and I totally recognise that ‘looking as if I’m coping when underneath I’m not.’ It’s exhausting 

Take care and hugs to you all

xx

Dear MyPineapple

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Someone told me to think of the funeral as one last thing to do for the person who had been the centre of your world. I have to say, I tried but I wasn’t as strong as I hoped to be and did sob silently through most of the service. I hope the day goes as well as it can and take plenty of tissues.

Hugs

xx

Hi Donna 

It does make sense. 
I think part of what you are saying is that all of us, or indeed most of us, feel the unfinished business feeling. There are some who suffer differently by being able to speak to their partner openly about what it means that they are dying, what they want for their funeral, how they want those of us left to go on etc. I’m sure that’s very painful too. 

I guess those of us who don’t get that hurt in another way...like it’s not really over! 

I’ve struggled even more than normal today but I think it’s because the funeral is tomorrow and I’m looking at that as final, like I will have to say goodbye and I’m not ready! 
I’ve been trying (digging real deep for this) to think of what Dave would say if he could just pop in front of me now for five minutes and address the fact he’s died! 
He would not want me suffering to the level I am. He couldn’t take it. My first thought is, well what can I do, this IS the level of pain I feel I can’t make it go away!! But my next thought is Dave hurting and that I can’t take! I need to find strength for him!! He knew fully well, told my sister “this will crush her” told my GP to look after me!!! That was him, always thinking about me and his son we simply were his world!! 
It’s about finding ways to cope like you say even though we don’t want to we have too...

Thank you. I will xxx

Your last paragraph rings so true for me. Chris wouldn’t want me to feel like this but as you say, this is how much I’m hurting. And I know that he told Kathy, his Macmillan nurse and our younger son that he was worried about me. Like you, he always worried about me and our boys more than himself! Guess that’s what made him so special and so loved

xx

Thanks 

My Rob had arranged his funeral, choose coffin, music ect and done lots of things to help me like sell his car, books and CD's. But did we actually talk about him dying NO, or tell each other how much we loved each other NO, or How I was going to manage without him NO. But i do remember things he did and said which meant he did and hold on to them now 

I believe we thought we had a little longer.

Love

Donna

Hi Plymouth 10 

I am in tears reading your post neil always said he wanted to go before me as he knew he wouldn't of been able to cope on his own i have been lucky that I was able to go back to work after 3 weeks so being able to get out of the house and and being busy is the only way I have got through the last 16 weeks the one thing I am grateful for is I found some old letters he wrote me years ago also i noticed an recorded message on his mobile that he had recorded by accident 2 weeks before he passed away when I need to feel close read his notes they where always daft but always ended with love you and listen to him talking I still use his deodorant like air freshener before I go to sleep and his body was as bubble bath 

I hope the pain will ease a little over time and be able to look at the picture's and remember the things you managed to enjoy while you were together 

Thinking of you kate