New to community for spouses and partners

Hi, so sorry for your loss, I know it is truly devastating.

I lost my husband on 23 December last year, from kidney cancer too.  He had no specific symptoms, just a bit tired and lost his appetite. He was diagnosed 3 months ago today...and was dead in 2 weeks.

He too went into a hospice and died there a few hours later. I think he was where he wanted to be after an awful time in hospital, and I managed to see him at the hospice. I like to believe he was at peace with everything and felt he could go.

It has been the most horrible time since he's been gone, 10 weeks now. But I am in a better place than I was, the pain isn't as raw, but it is still very  hard to live without him.

The advice of one day at a time is the only way I can get through,  and the support from this group has given me the strength to carry on when I've really felt I couldn't.

We are all here for you xx

Hello all, I. So sorry for all your losses, for all the pain. I lost my husband last October, today should have been his 68th birthday so it’s been hard. I honestly think it’s been the hardest first to get through even though our eldest son was with me and I spoke to son 2 who lives in America. The person whose day it is wasn’t here and we missed him. 

Like some of you have said, I still find myself thinking that I’ll wake up from this awful nightmare, that it can’t really have happened to him, to us- we still had so much to do.

I’m still taking each day as it comes- sometimes I’m fairly productive but others getting showered, dressed and eating three meals is all I can face. (I hate eating alone!) Life without him is so very very hard and I honestly believe he had no idea how much he would be missed and not just for his gardening and decorating. 
I can only add what others have said- this group has been really important to me. The empathy and understanding from people who do understand what it is like to be in this horrendous position is so valuable. 

Take care, stay safe and thank you for being there xx

I hear you Donna (as will all on here) no words can change your pain. 
I just hope you keep on here, checking in because tonight I’ve broke down with my sister (to the point of scaring her that I’ll do something to myself; I won’t) but it’s how utterly devastated I feel. 
Though joining this today I know will help me if only a little. We all have such pain to bare. 
Much love

xx

This group is important you are right. I have cried so much these past two months and today I really felt I was losing it so I called MacMillan helpline. The lady I spoke with (funnily enough same name as me, first and last!) told me about the community groups. I’m not good at these things, following each message but I’m trying because I know this will help me and I hope ALL of us in some way. 

My love to you all xx

Thank you Sarah, so much xx

I still cry myself to sleep most nights- even after almost twenty weeks. But I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter, if I need to cry then cry I will xx

Was just going to say call the Macmillan help line. I rang them about 3 weeks ago, I know I must have needed it, they just listened to me, was great to get it all out. I felt so much better and decided to contact PALS with lots of unanswered questions.then iI felt so much better even though I know it won't change anything.

I am keeping busy with lots of jobs that had been put in hold for the 7 months,, I think Rob would approve. I work on his beautiful garden each day I cry and laugh wondering what he would make of it.

Some days are better than others .

Take care

Donna xx

My Pineapple 

I am so sorry to read your post and to have to welcome another new member to our group. New members mean yet another life taken by the cruel disease, another family mourning the loss of their loved one. 

It may seem inappropriate to say to you congratulations on your recent wedding ♡... but I  can imagine how much it meant (and still means) to you to know you were able to have your precious moment together to declare your love. It is just so very sad that your time together was so short. 

Sadly, there is no fast track to take the pain of grief away. The rawness will lessen, or maybe we become adept at hiding it but it continues to bubble under the surface. I still expect my husband to walk in, to come home to me, give his little smile, wink,  a kiss and tell me about his day.  The phone rings... "It'll be  him.." but it's not ! And reality hits again.  The official form that asks marital status and you try not to breakdown as you stumble over the answer. 

Taking one day at a time isn't  simply a cliched answer...it seems to be the only answer. We have no choice but to face each day, each hour, each challenge as they arise. There is no right or wrong way to cope with grief. Remember to try to take time to look after yourself and take steps forward when you feel ready. 

Everyone on here can sadly understand how you are feeling...

Sending you a big {{hug}}

Mym

It is a good thing that we are all reaching out to one another, particularly when the grief becomes too overwhelming to bear. I think we have had all those moments when we feel we literally cannot go on with life without our partners, and to voice those thoughts out loud do tend to worry others. But for me I think it’s important to be open and honest about those feelings. I think if we don’t then the worry is that they will build up to the point that we are more at risk of doing something we shouldn’t. 

I have moments in time when I wish I wasn’t here and had gone with Clive, but as I have no faith or particular belief in anything after death I dint believe that I would be back with him anyway. So as hard as it can be I just keep going. It is just over 12 weeks for me since losing my lovely hubby to stomach cancer at just 52 (I’m 47) and my life right now is not good. It’s miserable to be honest. I don’t enjoy my life anymore and don’t feel any excitement at my future alone. But at the same time I know how much Clive desperately wanted to live, he never accepted he would die and only focused on his treatment. So as he no longer gets to enjoy life and spend time with the people he loves, doing simple things he loves, I have to find a way to do that for both of us. And I am hopeful that one day way into the future I will be able to take pleasure in some aspects of life again, albeit with a ache in my heart that I shall carry with me for the resting my life. 

xxxx

Dear Bamblejoo & Pooka

Thank you so much for your messages.

My husband was only 52 as well and 17 years ago my brother-in-law was taken at 46 with pancreatic cancer leaving behind a wife and two children age 5 & 2! I love my sister dearly and I went through that with her and never thought I could feel pain and sadness like it again!! 
When my David was diagnosed (only symptom that took him in for checks was blood in his urine) with cancer in his kidney I couldn’t believe it and all I could think about was what we’d all been through before. However I made myself, we both did, think positive and Dave’s journey at that time was very different... diagnosed, kidney removed, told low grade and all clear with yearly checks to keep eye on him. I honestly started to forget (forced myself too) that it had even happened and when his following yearly CT scan was clear even more so. 

When covid hit and a few friends asked after Dave I was confused at first, really I didn’t know why they were asking (that’s how much I pushed the whole experience out of my head) of course they were wondering if he was more in danger due to having had cancer! 

Dave was a picture of health on the photos at my sisters on Christmas Eve. Then 6th Jan we got the news cancer was back, 13th Jan positive covid results (for us both) and Dave got sick with both but ultimately with the aggressive cancer in his liver and died a week ago today. Those two months were a living nightmare and my head is still spinning. 

I hear the words of you all on here and it’s like a mirror. The pain we feel is unbearable. 
I have no idea how I’ll go on. Dave moved in with me in my little terrace cottage that I love (or did) but have never been able to afford to do anything with but we had started to do things. I have a half completed new front porch and we had plans to extend out the back. Now it’s just me again (even more so as before I had my beloved cat but lost her to cancer too in Oct 2019). 
I will be 50 in November and I feel right now my life is over. I loved David with everything I am., a love I never thought I’d find and found late in life. Every day we said how lucky we were to find each other. 

I have always been a very independent woman by choice but after a relationship that wasn’t good for me finally ended I decided I wanted to meet someone and I took myself out of my comfort zone and went online and met Dave. 
i couldn’t believe it. A wonderful caring and extremely funny man who adored me. 
I’m getting all these messages from his work colleagues (he stated there at 16!!) and it’s all about his antics, Dave was a cheeky Liverpudlian who brought joy to all those he met! These letters are wonderful but they break my heart more expressing how much the light and fun has gone out of my life. 

I really do not know how to be right now and the advice of one day, or even one hour at a time is definitely all I can do. 

I am so grateful for this community. I know I can reach out -even if only to read and not necessarily always post- so that I don’t feel so alone but as we all know, the unbelievably heavy heart and sadness none of us escapes from. 
Right now I really do not want to be here I just want to go with him. I can’t see my future and I don’t want to because if I try it looks very bleak. 

My love to all of you. Xx