Don't want to let go of my wife

Thank you Sausagedog, there is so much in your post that I identify with and I feel just the same. I love the way you describe your other half. . . I too hope this forum will help.

Thank you for your response. 

Thank you for letting me know how you feel Kenickies, My wife and I had plans that were disrupted by Covid and her Cancer. Like you I'm not certain that I will have the courage to visit the places on my own that we wanted to see, in fact I don't feel I want to visit on my own, it just wont be the same. At the moment I haven't been able to visit many places due to Covid. I'm wondering how I'll be when visiting is easier and restrictions are lifted?

I turned to this group today to help me manage a bad day too - your response has been a help - thank you.

Hello Sausagedog

What you say rings so true for me. I’ve had one of those days where the last three months feel like a dream, more of a nightmare really, but I’ve really felt as if I’m going to wake up and he’ll walk back into the room with a cup of coffee for me. 
Its not been a good day, but this group helps because I know I’m not going completely mad. 
Take care x

We’ll all get through it together. 
Tomorrow will mark just 6 weeks since I lost my amazing husband. Before then we’d only been apart for 3 days at the most. This feels like a lifetime! 
I will love him always.

The TED talk was something I wasn’t ready to look at to start with. I was so emotionally confused and needed to wait until I was ready. I watched it just a few days ago and everything she said made sense to me. It’s like after a set period of time people expect you to be ‘over it’ and to ‘move on’ but she talks about reeducating people to see grief and loss in a different way and that is the continued love we have for those we have lost help us to continue. We don’t forget them but carry them with us. 
That’s what I hope to do. And as for places we went with our partners, I am desperate to go to Cornwall when I’m allowed. We managed to go there in October and it was the last time I saw him truly smile and look happy, even though he was already quite sick by then. So I’m going to try going there and see how I cope alone x

Thank you Bramblejoo. You share some wise words. You’ll be in my thoughts tomorrow.

Take care

x

Hi FrankT,

It's still very early days yet. Clearly the ending is still very much with you and I can relate to that as my husband's passing was awful and I was not prepared for that. It's not like you read it should be at all. 

The loss of a partner is like losing part of yourself, my husband and I were so close and as you say all of those things you knew about each other and experiences shared can never be taken away and nor should they be. I can't even think about sorting out his things as it feels as though I'd be getting rid of him. I try as much as possible to remember how much he wanted to live and how incredibly brave he was, this helps me to be grateful I'm still here. However there are days when I don't want to be here without him and have to force myself to carry on. Taking one day at a time is the key. Every one of us is different but on here we share and support each other. Don't expect too much of yourself. 

Thank you for your response Jojoe,

Your opening paragraph I totally agree with. I too was not prepared for the last 3 months of my wife's cancer journey. There must be a reason this is not spoken about often but it would have helped me to have been more ready. It's something which I will never be at ease over and will never forget and something I would want to share with others that faced the same with their partner. It's an awful thing to talk about though - how could you do this on a public forum like this? When Covid is over and support groups open up again, perhaps I'll be able to talk this through with others, we shall see.

We were a team too and as we were 'second time arounders' and had set up another life, as it were, I feel quite isolated and alone now without her here, with me, living the life we created over 26 years. I'm also so sad over her loss of time (she wasn't yet 60) -  she was such a support and tremendous part of everyone's life in our complicated family that she is a massive loss and I know she had so much she wanted to do. 

It is a shock not to have that person who knows you so well and has shared a life and all it's twists and turns no longer with you. Who do you turn to now? Who knows you as intimately, your positives and negatives, who can you be so open with? It was a shock when the realisation of that loss hit home. I also miss being able to share and love that other person - a massive and destabilising loss. Simply having that person alive and here made life so much more worthwhile and fulfilling. All I wanted to do was make her happy, content and supported. In the end, this was impossible and that's a hard thing to accept. She saved my life 14 years ago (a heart condition needed CPR and she kept me alive until I was revived through 7 uses of a difibrilator - truly an angel to have kept me alive and without brain damage) Sadly, despite doing all I could and supporting her to the bitter end, I couldn't do the same for her. I know that's illogical but it adds to the sadness and grief.

As you say - I'll continue to take one day at a time. Thank you again for your response.

It has been 17 months for me memory's will always be with me as vivid now as when we did them you will always remember them I still have meltdowns it's a safety valve I think the pain is not as bad but we learn to live with it not get over it hope this helps 

Dear Frank,

I lost my wife of 50yrs 18months ago but thats not my point. My good friend you will carry your sweetheart within you I suspect for the rest of your life as I know I will along with my Anne. Its an inner vacuum that is constantly there which was once filled with all that was shared, along with all the memories of love, and can never be refilled. I just hope my post doesn't seem at all negative in any way. What I'm trying to express with the ' blunt tools of words.'  is that you will live another life. You will survive. And there will be those times when you can laugh again. Its just that you will be a different man. 

Thanks Newb, Learning to live with it seems to be the message I am getting. Memories always being with me is a relief and I feel so much better now I understand it's the grief that changes not the relationship with your partner.

Thank you for your response.