Don't want to let go of my wife

Thank you Geoff999,

Your post is far from negative and a great help. Surviving is one thing, the idea of living another life is quite another. It is difficult to accept but I understand I will be a different man; I couldn't possibly feel so bereft and as you say, carrying this 'inner vacuum' without being changed - I feel that already.

I just needed the reassurance that I need not leave my wife 'behind' as I move through the grief and challenges ahead. I think these posts, other peoples' profiles and some clearer thinking have shown me this.

Thank you for your response - very much appreciated.

Hi Frank 

So sorry for your loss 

I too lost my lovely husband to cancer just 9 weeks ago at the age of 49 so at 46 I find my self a widow lost and with no idea how I'm meant to go on 

I have had family say a few times about sorting through his things and get quite angry as I have no intention of doing any of that yet 

I love him dearly and miss him terribly 

I don't think it's letting go more a case of moving forward don't get me wrong I have days I think I should just end it and go and be with him but then I remember the people I would leave feeling the way I do now 

No one says we have to move on or remove things that have memories I for one am leaving my husband's things right where they are until the day I feel it's right 

People say all the time think of the good times, but like you I was there at the end and for the three weeks in hospital before when things were really bad those days I can't get out of my head 

One day I'm hoping there will only be the good memories as I know he wouldn't want me to hold onto those final days 

I hope you find peace but like all major life changes it will take time 

A friend of mine who lost her husband 3 years ago told me it doesn't get easier but we learn how to cope better and by moving forward it doesn't mean they're forgotten. 

X

It’s exactly 14 weeks for me and I have moved very little of my husband’s things. From where I’m sitting now, I can see his colouring books, that I bought him to try and help him relax, his watch is still by  his side of the bed and his clothes are still in the wardrobe and his sunglasses are still in the car. There’s no way I’m anywhere near ready to move these things- I’m sure I will be one day, but not yet. I am starting to remember happier times, in snippets. I’ve been looking through photo albums, which helped more than I thought, but I did have a box of tissues to hand. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that in the last ten days, I spent only hours with him because of Covid and I wasn’t there at the end. That has shattered my heart. 
Like everyone on here, I’ve lost the love of my life, I feel totally lost without him and there are moments where I wonder how I’ll manage to go on, but go on I must, for him and for our wonderful sons.

Take care, be kind to yourselves.

xx

Hi kenickiesmum ,

Its 5 months for me since my lovely husband died, we were 47 years together,  i feel as broken now as ithe day i lost him, like you i can't imagine moving any of his things,  everything is the same as it was on he's last day, his  shelf in the bathroom has his shaving stuff and aftershave,  in his wardrobe are the shirts and jumpers hanging up , his glasses are on the chest of drawers where he last left them. And like you i cant even think of if and when that time will come., i also keep going for our  lovely family  our daughter and sons and amazing grandchildren who my husband loved  and spent a lot of time with as they stayed with us often. Its just a day at a time that all i can do . Take care, xx

Hello Bluebell53 

Thank you for your kind words. We had 46 years together, I was 19 when we became a couple. Our first grandchild is due in May- something for me to look forward to, but he would have been a super grandad, so there is an element of sadness. I’m going to have a memory bear made with one of his jumpers for the baby. Thank you again

xx

Hi kenickiesmum, 

Your first grandchild,  that will be lovely for you, and what a  lovely idea having a memory bear made with a jumper of your husbands,  yes it will be bittersweet,  but your grandchild will be a part of your husband as well. 

Like you i was 19 when i met my husband,  he was nearly 30 and from the moment we met we just new we would always be together, , its horrible what we're going through,  its early days for us isn't it.

 Thank you for your reply,  take care. Xx

Sending hugs x

Hi Frank,

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. 

I think it is very early days for you - only three months. 

I lost my husband in May of 2018. I used to hate it, and still do, when people talk to me about "moving on". For me there is no "moving on" ever. But there is "moving forward". And that is something we must all do in order to make our life worth living. But it takes time until we feel ready to do that, and some of us probably never will, but the pain of loss becomes more bearable over time. 

I used to feel I was letting my husband down when I did something that felt like "moving forward". But I don't feel that anymore because I know that he would want me to live my life, he would want me to "move forward" - having him in my heart and thoughts always but also doing things for myself and with my own life again - and today I feel that it is really necessary for me to do this. 

What would your wife want for you do you think? Would she be happy to see you "moving forward"?

She will always be your soul mate no matter what you do and no matter where you go. 

Lots of love

Mel.

Hi Bella2020 and all,

I don't like "letting go" either but think "moving forward" is much better. 

As for sorting through our partner's things, I think there is absolutely no rush and only we can know when the time to do that is right. For example, I still have my husband's shirts and jumpers where they have always been and I don't intend to change that because I love to have his things around me and I don't need the space for anything else. I threw out some of his things in the bathroom though and that felt okay. The bookshelf with all his books is still where it has always been and I have often been asked by my mum whether I didn't feel that it was time to get rid off them especially because I myself cannot read them because I am totally blind. But I don't want to get rid off them. They belong there, why should I get rid off them? I tried to force myself to get rid off some of Paul's stuff about a month after his death because I had listened to encouragements to do so and I really regreted it afterwards. We have to do what is right for us.

Love, Mel.

Hi FrankT

I am 10 years down the line from losing my partner, with all the pain and suffering that goes with cancer. It is very hard in the first days weeks and months to really get a handle on losing somebody that was more than just a spouse, there are moments even now that I see things and think I must tell him...

I will say that time will help you gain perspective but the talk about 'letting them go' is wrong it would be like saying blank out all those memories. What will help in time is to be able to recall all the good times with your partner and how much she enriched your life. I think expecting to be 'okay' after only three months is too soon.

One thing you should share with your counsellor is the horror of her pain and suffering because people that haven't seen it have a fanciful idea that all cancer sufferers 'die peacefully' or 'slipped away' when quite often the truth is much more gruesome. You  need to talk out how that affected you.