Why do people just presume you are ok

exhausted17 - yes the dogs are great - I belong to the animals are family group - they are a great comfort. -reliable, stupid, dependable, dont talk......stare nicely and feet smell of biscuits.   

3 years is tough and you have a Sept trigger which is a big season change and hope you are able to mark it in a way that feels right. 

Hi I tried to "Like" this reply but couldnt work it out so am writing "thank you"x

Hello Exhausted17,

I am coming up to 2 years this December. For some reason, what would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary eatlier this year hit me like a ton of bricks. I think this is because I never got to celebrate my 1st anniversary as my husband died 5 months after we married in 2018. I mentioned this to a colleague and she did put it nicely,  that would I know her wedding anniversary? She had a point and I did not take it to heart. I did call a friend and told her how I was feeling. She said she knew it was that time of year but lost track. Luckily she had a day off so we met up for a chat etc. I am so glad I opened up that day rather than left to  deal with it in isolation.  Although there are times I want to be alone too. 

I have also been on the other end. When I met my partner who I later married, he had previously lost his fiance to cancer. In the early years I could not understand when, at certain times of the year he would distance himself from me. It did cause some arguments in the early years. I did became more mindful of these times. However, being totally frank, I did sometimes get annoyed/lost patience with him for grieving for so many years. I now fully understand where he was coming from as I am there now! To the very end he was worried about me, saying to the doctor I don't want her to be on her own when I go. 

Its been a big learning curve for me and until you have been there, no one trully understands. They can only feel empathy/sympathy at best. 

Sending you a big virtual hug.

With lots of love, 

Dutsie x

Hi everyone.   Just touching on when people do remember your loved one and say something really galling thinking there making you feel better.  A relative recently said to me ‘aren’t you glad Lynn died in February before Covid arrived’.   I said to myself I’m jumping with joy with delight aren’t I a lucky guy!  Even well meaning people sometimes try to help, but end up rubbing you up the wrong way.  

Oh no Peter. Thats just so wrong on many levels.

I had someone ask me whether my husband's death was peaceful or not! Really??

Hi Dutsie thank you for your support. You are right only people who have been through this can understand. This site has helped me through being a carer (hence the name exhausted) to a bereaved partner. I used to be somewhat addicted to it for a long time but as time went on I felt stronger. But it is a place to come when times get really tough again. A sanctuary really. Hugs to you x

Hi Jebel I remember when I was newly bereaved and on this site someone started a thread about the crass remarks some people had made to them about their loss. Some of the remarks were quite outrageous to the point of making you laugh out loud!  It is true people often dont know what to say but personally I found it worse when people said nothing or avoided me. X

Hi all,

Insensitivity seems to be a theme which runs throughout all of our lives when we find ourselves here in "this place".

True friends will be there for you whatever and whenever, they are the ones with whom you can pick up where you left off however long it has been.

Sadly there's a lot of people out there who are just surface and those are the ones who drift away - let them go, they're not worth the worry or the time of day.

You may not be feeling it now, but you will come out of this stronger and a much better person than anyone who doesn't make the effort to understand what you need from them or simply avoid you.

Lizzy

I found that exhausted it is worse if people said nothing!!! I did have a woman at the job centre who said to me omg! You have lost two husbands. I wouldn't marry you!!! You aren't too lucky!!! I laugh now but did she upset me!! 

I had a friend yesterday who asked if she could ask awkward questions, turned out she wanted to know the lung cancer process as her dad may have it. She was worried I would be upset. Tbh, I was glad to help and make it slightly easier.

Love and hugs Alison xxx