Advice

Hi Nathan although my situation is slightly different I do understand that the past and things our partners have done can haunt us after they have died .In my case Bill had an affair and we were separate for 5 years.We got back together and for the most part we  were happy although there wasnt the intimacy anymore but a great deal of love and affection .Since he died I have been replaying our breakup and all the hurt and upset it caused .I feel we never really addressed what happened although we did talk about it .I am trying to move past it really Bill and I were meant for each other he made a mistake and paid dearly for it .He was with me at the end and I did love him despite everything .The reason I know it is because of the way it hurts me now .I dont know how I will get through it but I feel I have earned the right to be happy and so have you. Our partners weren't saints but we loved them and they did us We cant ask them what happened in the past but one day we will be at Peace with it. Take care and be kind to yourself .

Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with me, I appreciated that, Must have been hard for you to do. Yes over the years we have both hurt each other in different ways as all long term relationships have there ups and downs. I believe we were meant for each other too and we were going to grow old together. 
I wasn’t prepared to not be able to talk to her about these sorts of things now and now I can’t, I’m just so down. I don’t want to really be here now, but have to sort myself out so I can be there for our daughter, it’s just a struggle now to do that, when I can’t talk to her about what’s bothering me 

Hi Nathan

I stupidly read Ric's phone messages after he died. I just wanted to feel close to him but I shouldn't have. I would not have read them when he was alive! We lived a part because of his PTSD and he would binge drink. 

I discovered that a woman in his block of flats had really fallen for him. I don't think he was unfaithful and I had talked about it before but he denied anything was happening. She behaved oddly afr he died and wanted to view him. I put a stop to it. I told her straight I had seen everything and she had better stay away from me! To be honest if she wasn't older she would have had a bloody sla I am still angry about it but I can never have a go at Ric now. I did send him an angry message!!! Lol. I will never really 100 percent know but I also found things he had written about how I was his world and how much he loved me. I decided it was no use torturing myself. I was married to him, not her and I arranged his funeral etc. 

Try not to let it mar your feelings. There is nothing you can do now. Write her a letter at least it will be off your chest. 

Take care xxx

Thank you Akela, 

I do appreciate your response I’m struggling quite a lot and I appreciate your openness, we had an issue in our marriage 6 or 7 years ago, maybe longer and I thought it had been dealt with, but I’ve since discovered contact had been made and I don’t know what to believe now, I did talk to her but with communication so poor it wasn’t really fair or really possible, but she denied anything had happened and said she loved just me and she’d been an idiot, but I have doubts. Trying to arrange a funeral and I’m just angry at her and just not wanting to care at the moment, I’m trying to snap out of that but I’m failing. I want to give her the send if she deserves, I love her but it’s so hard with these messed up emotions. Thank you. 

Hi Nathan,

I am so very sorry to hear about this and I really feel for you as I have gone through a similar situation. When my husband had gone for three weeks, I went to the bank to cancel his credit card. And I found out that he had had a bank account that he had never told me about before. I was devastated, cried and cried for days, and felt so betrayed and questioned everything that had happened between us and whether I had been right in trusting him in the first place. But over time I realised one thing: what has happened has happened and it is in the past and that he had his personal reasons, which I can no longer ask him about, so the best thing to do is to forgive, even though I don't really know what it all was about. I have found this really an interesting lesson to learn that sometimes I don't have to understand people that simply accept that they did what they did for good reasons of their own and that that has to be enough. I hope this helps. Best wishes, Melanie

Hi Nathan

Try and put it out of your mind for now and plan that funeral. I found out at about the same time before the funeral. I didn't want her to come, she did!! But she was a little OTT but my son and dad and Ric's son were on it in seconds and told her to get lost! She did have the sense to go. Have you got someone who can do a similar thing for you.

At the end of the day,t it was you she was with and you that gave her a peaceful end and cared and loved her. Don't let it spoil all your good memories.

Always here if I can help.

Take care

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Nathan 

I never knew much about my wife’s past but I have been told every thing now by her parents 

but it’s her past and she did not want to tell me to protect me  we all have a past  but you have your memories together are important not her past 

take care 

Martin 

Hi Nathan.

Things happen in marriages good and bad, history gets set aside when a person becomes sick and then subsequently dies. 

However, in my own situation there were many issues that were set aside during my partner's palliative stages. Those issues remain as history and we cannot pretend our dead spouses and partners were the very epitomy of perfection.

I can assume what the issue was but I would urge you to look ahead rather than back as we cannot change the past at all. This I assume is  hugely harder to do than it sounds, however holding onto anger within a period of grief is very counter productive to finding closure.

All I can offer is for you to accept the past has happened and accept that we are human and all.of us have flaws and faults.. 

Thank you Melanie, I think you and others have shown me that if it wasn’t this, there’d be something else that would get to me and if I dwell it makes it worse, I need to forgive and move on as soon as I can. Thank you for sharing your situation and I’m pleased you’ve been able to move on from it. 
Take care 

Nathan

Thank you Alison, appreciate that. I spoke with my mum today and feel better for it at the moment, but ever changing emotions, I’ll have to see what the morning brings, thank you for your advice, it’s appreciated. Nathan